Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:
It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will be done, and honestly, if it gets to that point you may not hear from me anymore.
I can’t do this crap. I don’t say anything to my brother or my parents because I’m trying to be an adult and take care of things without getting them involved. I want to fix my shit on my own, and I obviously can’t. They’re basically setting me up on alley oops and I’m missing the layup EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don’t know what to do at all.
I hate that everyone would say I have a brain but I don’t use it. Call me a genius. But because all I have is some book smarts I’m basically a retard who can’t do shit. A burden to everyone I cross paths with. Completely useless. Etc.
What’s the fucking point here?
I have to come up with multiple step, “logical” plans on a whim now to get myself on track tonight, and then basically eat sleep and breathe workouts and job hunting until results happen.
I can’t do shit because I’m so bad with money.
I’m a fat fuck who can’t live a proper life, despite the advantages I’ve had my whole life and how easy I’ve had it compared to peers and other family members.
Don’t they think I’m aware of all of this? I don’t think they know HOW DISAPPOINTED I AM WITH MYSELF.
8 years. I’ve been posting on and off on this site for 8 years, and mostly have stagnated horrendously.
Funnily enough, NOW therapy is being brought up. Been called delusional and a burden and a bunch of other shit FOR YEARS NOW.
I know I am. I am all of those horrible things. I need therapy of some kind because I can’t even tell them what’s going on. I can’t compare to parents who’ve sacrificed so much for me and my brothers to have a proper life as kids growing up, and a younger brother who spent 6 years in the army and went through a lot of messed up shit, who had to figure all his shit out without me or my older brother, including playing second fiddle to me, the child with the brain who went to private school, was given a chance at a proper college education, and other certifications to make something of himself. I’ve been given too much and I’m here, still failing at life in general.
I’m not smart. If I were smart I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in at all. If I had ANY brain power left, I’m not saying I’d be super rich or anything, but I’d be stable enough to not have to worry about monetary crap, I’d be fit, I’d be where I should’ve been. Maybe I was smart in high school, in college. Not anymore. I’m not smart. I’m an idiot. I’m in this situation because I’m stupid. I couldn’t suck it up, I lacked proper perspective. I didn’t push hard enough. I didn’t try hard enough. I’m a lazy bum basically. All I can do is whine and cry on the fucking internet because I can’t even word right to the only people who give a proper shit about me.
Now I have to reap all the consequences.
I don’t know if I’ll be in a better place in 10 years, or even 5 years, if my condition doesn’t just take me out in the middle of the night.
I wouldn’t be alive without modern medicine or my parents fighting for me to survive.
Yet, I’m just disappointing everyone around me, and myself.
What’s even the point of posting here? I’m just screaming into the void anyway?