well, it could be worse

by which I mean I could definitely need stronger drugs or be rendered unemployable again really easily. It’s weird, getting it shoved in my face this directly. FYI, there’s only ONE approved drug stronger than what I’m on, and I’ve been on it. This whole journey to health started a year ago when I started getting off of it. I wasn’t employable on it. It was lithium. I don’t mean to be mysterious, this is how I talk.

I’m back, BTW, so if you’ve been replying to me and I haven’t been replying, it’s because I’ve been holed up in a hotel room in a strange city for the past six days, that or in a “training facility”…. see, prior me would try to make that seem less sinister…. but there’s no wifi, and you can’t smoke or vape or have any nicotine at all within three minutes of the facility…. and you get ten minute breaks…..  yeah. At least the hotel has a smoke hole, two of them actually, the hotel hates us less than the trainers.

people keep quitting right after training, and they’re mystified by that… how bizarre. HA.

anyway, now focused, me focused. I couldn’t live in the city I’ve been in for the last six days. It’s a shithole. Like where I live isn’t too nice either, but getting back home it’s like…. oh? look at all this. It’s so much less hostile. So much less dense. The roads make sense. The people…… seem calmer. Maybe it’s just perception.

My house though, is SO MUCH BETTER than that damn room. One room, and a bathroom…… mind you a nice room, nice bathroom…… but facts of human psychology, humans need seperation for their activities. Somewhere to eat, somwhere to relax, somewhere to sleep, those are the three basics. In a hotel those are all three the fucking bed. You have to fight with the hotel wifi, the hotel TV doesn’t want you to use your devices, it wants you to watch the six channels they’ll let you watch. All night people pound on the ceiling above and the hallway outside my door.

The cars in the parking lot got broken into, not mine, but it happened while I was there and it was an anxiety point the whole damn time. No stove, no freezer……..

and it just reminded me of apartment living, and how I hated it. I think I would get really suicidal if faced with it again. People live like that, most of humanity actually. HOW?! Like hearing your neighbors doing stuff, doesn’t it make you want to die? It does me. I feel cramped having only 20 feet between my house and my neighbors. THAT is too close, I’d like about half a mile. Far enough that my neighbors wouldn’t know if I was dead, how about that? Frickin mystery. What happened? Who knows? No one, not until my animals start making a lot of noise, weeks on. Heck, I could automate that stuff, it could be months or years. Get deliveries automated, set up a trust, it could be decades, and if you never order new animals, no one would ever know…..

now that’s the dream, just to fade away, someone wandering through the woods coming across whatever is left wondering what happened here. I’d leave some kind of notice, because I have respect for the science and whatnot.