What am I doing?

I’ve written note after note over the last several years. Made plan after plan. Usually with the understanding that i won’t actually be able to follow through. Realistically, I know I still won’t. Tonight won’t be any different. So why am I stressed over whether or not to actually leave a note? Really its only for one person. Would my mom want an explanation? An apology? Will she know I want her to take my dog? That she’s the only one I trust to love him as much as I do? Or would all of that just hurt her more? Maybe i should just go quietly. She doesn’t need to know it’s gotten this bad again.. maybe nobody needs to know. As it is, I’m just screaming into the void. Anyone who might actually see this already knows how this feels. Maybe thats why I’ve always found comfort here.. I don’t know, really… whatever