get away with

well, seems like the shame is all on my side…. makes sense.

I ended up taking monday off….. that’s such a nice way to say I almost quit but took a sick day instead. My boss is has chronic allergies, so there are no sick notes. Maybe the employer is kinder, could be, but I think my initial take is the right one. I know where I’m being shielded.

Anyway, so I wasn’t pushing as hard today. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing does.

I’m near the bottom of my burnout, I don’t know how I’m working right now. I guess because nothing matters, not even if I’m burnt out. I keep showing up, they keep paying me.

So I’m back with the therapist tomorrow. I think people are worried about me, which is sweet. It’s just what I said last week; they reap what they sew. They aimed me at this ditch. I knew well enough to try and aim away, but I guess I didn’t have the assertiveness to speak up. I pretty much resigned myself to it; you put me in a ditch, you get to pick up the pieces, it won’t be fun for almost anyone.

There’s only that residual self hatred, I wish I could assert myself better, not get aimed at the ditch. Heh. Someday I guess. A more financially secure version of me, or self confident, somehow.

This is me, taking my lumps. Sure feels stupid.

Upshot; the boots I’ve been waiting to get a shot at ordering just got announced, four days out. Weird capitalism I get into, limited runs, there will only ever be 500 pair, I’ll get one. It’s stupid, right? trudging on for boots. My last limited edition came and darn it, they’re really  nice, they make me feel nicer than I expected.

I keep singing that one bit of Tom Cruise Crazy by Jonathan Coulton; “You’d flash your big white shiny smile, you’d buy expensive shoes, but you’d be the only man on earth who couldn’t enjoy Tom Cruise”

It’s true. I don’t enjoy Tom Cruise, and I do like expensive shoes. I don’t have a shiny smile though, and I’m not a scientologist.