This post is mainly written for the purpose of self-clarification (like all my posts really). Every day is Groundhog Day, and through denial I continually forget what I am and what I’m doing here.
Being caught between the conclusion that my life is worthless, and the aversion to following through with what that conclusion implies. That’s the space I exist in. Despair, depression. “Everything is pointless, so why do anything?” And “I shouldn’t exist anymore.” But also “death is terrifying, so don’t take the necessary measures to kill yourself.”
My life is “worthless” in my own, subjective terms. I don’t believe myself to be capable of being in a relationship. At least, not one I would value. One not built on extreme dysfunction and desperation. Hell, I don’t think I’m even capable of meaningful friendship. Therefore, I am alone. I will be alone. I’ll never start a family. I am a dead end. That’s pretty much all I care about, all I see as valuable. Blinkered, possibly. But I can’t feign interest in hobbies, or a career, or altruism. I have tried. I don’t care. If I’m going to be alone, I don’t care. About anything.
So, in my own subjective terms, my life is worthless, right? So I should end it, right? That seems like the obvious conclusion. And that’s where the resistance kicks in. The denial. The copium. “There must be some way to fix things, right?” “Think of what it would do to your family!” “Who knows what waits for you on the other side of death?” And at the core, the stark, unreasoning terror at the idea of death. “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! YOU MUST SURVIVE! NO MATTER WHAT!”
So, I do nothing. Year after year, decade after decade. I do the bare minimum required to survive. I don’t really try to fix my life, because I’m mostly convinced it’s unfixable. And I don’t take the necessary steps towards ending it, because I’m terrified.
Which leaves me in this strange mental state, where things seem both terrible and unfixable, and nothing is worth doing, including killing yourself. There is pain, without the impetus to heal it, or even try to escape from it. It becomes kind of numb. A constant background ache. “Things are terrible, but there’s nothing you can do, so try and ignore it.”
I’m tired, all the time. Regardless of how much or little I sleep. My mind is tired of wrestling with things that can’t be resolved.
17 comments
I have to disagree with you. From what Im reading and of course Im an objective reader here you would be capable of a relationship. I don’t detect any idolizing or pedestalizing of women in your writing, if I did my reply would be different. I would be of the opinion you have got stuck in a rut and have now concluded incorrectly that a healthy relationship (whatever that is) is not possible.
Ah, but there’s a lot of shameful shit I don’t mention here. So I can’t really give people the full picture. It’s not so much a rut as a deep pit I’ve been digging for myself.
Not sure about idolizing or putting women on a pedestal. I think I’m certainly sometimes prone to having an unrealistically positive view of someone based on how attractive I find them. But I’m probably too old at this point to get too carried away by that. Not that it matters. I think other issues would get in the way long before that. Even at a basic level, I think I lack the charisma, resources, or other personal qualities to make up for my lack of physical attractiveness. Even at my best, I’m just not that fun to be around.
Leaving aside shameful shit in reality you have the ability to get a woman
Charisama is a skill any guy can learn
Typo charisma.
Could I find “a woman”? Possibly. Someone sufficiently desperate or with extremely low standards. Could I find someone I actually like, or feel anything for? Seems unlikely. Could I sustain anything resembling a fulfilling or functional relationship? Seems vanishingly unlikely.
I believe you that charisma is something you can learn. I assume though there are limits – if you start off from a low base, you’re unlikely to become Casanova later in life.
See, you caught me in policy brain, I’ve been going over the policies involved in the state administration of so called “useless” people, and it would appear the plan outlay for that department is that you slowly grow old, possibly into obscurity and pass of natural causes, preferably at a ripe old age.
That’s pretty much the official line. If you can’t work anymore, then you go through the legal steps to create a case for disability. It’s slow, and frustrating. Again I’m all for that this policy sucks. Not a defender of the official line at all, quite the opposite.
However to me knowing there’s an official line also means someone else made the decision already. Asked with “let this one die?” they said “nah! Harmless enough to let be, lets feed him instead.” No expectations on the back of that, I’m allowed to be horrible to them if I wanted, it just isn’t in me.
The policy is that I finish checking out, my last bit of ability to do this work, then disability. It’s a relatively smooth life after if I’m correct about myself and it.
That’s what retirement is; waiting to die. Some people jazz it up, but it’s that. I’m trying to learn to tolerate it. But your status in the economic system is “surplused off, might be useless.”
So consider yourself that, the masses of other useless people that we keep around, because the official line is food and medicine, and maybe a bit of help with shelter. You keep what you kill, what you already got they let be.
This situation happens when we take obligation of things we don’t really believe in. We take them because we are taught to take them as per identity stick on us. But the truth is we are none of those identities and there is no obligation on us. Our soul knows that, that’s why it suffers when actions based on falsities are expected from it.
@ husk believe me when I say any woman over 30 is ‘desperate’ by virtue of the fact women have a very short shelf -life. ” A 9, I’d settle for a 6″ I had one say to me recently when I suggested she should go for a 9.Key word there being ” Settle”. There you have it from the horse’s mouth. I don’t like to see any guy who I regard as a decent bloke single, strange thoughts get into the head of a single guy with possibly a tragic outcome in the long run. As I and others have consistently pointed out on this site your writing is highly relatable.
Thanks man, I appreciate the sentiment. If all that was needed for romance was writing ability, I think I’d have less issues.
I agree that women over 30 tend to have a greater sense of urgency when it comes to dating. But there’s a difference between them lowering their standards and having no standards at all. Even for someone with adjusted standards, I raise way too many red flags. Just on a basic economic level, I’m not close to being able to support a family. So no one who’s thinking about that is going to look twice.
how sad that this is what people believe:
“believe me when I say any woman over 30 is ‘desperate’ by virtue of the fact women have a very short shelf -life. ”
I am not singling you out @rainwatch- that is what a lot of men believe. There’s a reason why there’s a loneliness epidemic worldwide, and part of it is that men want a beautiful woman 30 have no worth?
Men don’t want to settle? Well there’s more and more women who won’t settle either. Yes there’s a portion of women who’ll “settle” for someone so they won’t be alone, but more and more single “older” females choose to be alone too, to not deal with that kind of crap mentality from men. And you wonder why there are SO many single people out there?
dangit- several sentences got erased before i hit send.
There’s a reason why there’s a loneliness epidemic worldwide, and part of it is that men want a beautiful woman 30 are seen as “undesirable”, “desperate” and have little worth.
(there’s more but too lazy to retype everything i wrote).
But bottom line is this- no woman wants to be seen as “less than.” And more and more woman are choosing to be single. Worldwide, we are seeing more single people than ever before, compared to any time period.
dangit, why those sentences before and after the “30” keep getting deleted? there should be 2 sentences that keep getting squished into 1 sentence as the middle texts somehow keep getting deleted.
also, i should go clean my keyboard O_o
I get where @husk is coming from. He wants someone he genuinely loves, and for a person of quality to love him back. But that person has to accept him for the person he is, who he isn’t, and most of all, know and accept what he has done in the past. We don’t know what he did. He said that act is universally shunned, and there’s no reason to doubt him.
Meeting a “soul mate” or whoever you really jive with is hard enough. But it’s even harder given his specific clause- that the girl is a normal quality girl who accepts him and loves him despite knowing the truth.
Yes, ofc he can hide the truth- no one would ever know if he doesn’t say a peep. But that isn’t what he wants. If you have to deceive someone (and not disclosing the truth is deceitful), then that person doesn’t know the real you and doesn’t love the real you. If that person doesn’t know the real you and love the real you, what’s the point of being with that person? I totally get what he is saying.
It’s not impossible for him to find the right person he wants to be with and who wants to be with him after knowing the truth about it, but it is indeed difficult. Hence, depression and feeling like what’s the point.
I feel the same way. Yes sure, I have health issues, but I am not going to “settle” for someone just because I’m “over 30” and “desperate.” That kind of mentality leads MANY woman to abusive relationships.
Yes, many woman and men settle for someone just so they won’t be alone, but how happy are they, knowing they settled and that person isn’t the person they really want?
I know so many people who are like that, and have settled for a “plain gf” or a “6” husband. But are they actually happy? Many are not. When the other person knows/feels their part.ner “settled” for them, it creates resentment. On both sides. Bc the one who settled will always go “what if i waited or met the right person”?
With all that said, most men and women prefer to “settle” than to be alone. But that is not what @husk wants.
Thank you, that’s a good summary. It’s not everything, but it’s a big part of what holds me back/depresses me. It’s nice to know someone understands.
I think there is probably a difference between “settling” for someone who fulfils the main things you want from a relationship (but isn’t everything you could ever dream of), and settling for anyone who’ll take you, even if you don’t feel much for them, just to avoid being alone.
If I could be honest with someone about my issues and feel accepted, I think I’d be happy with anyone who I found somewhat attractive, enjoyed spending time with, and felt a connection with. I wouldn’t consider that “settling”. I’d think I was extremely fortunate.
On the other hand, I’ve known women who’ve never had any interest from men, with learning disabilities, no level of physical appeal, or just deeply obnoxious personalities. I’m sure I could’ve conned one into believing I loved them. I wouldn’t have felt anything for them, or enjoyed being with them, but I could’ve done it in order to technically avoid being alone. But yeah, what would be the point.
“I think I’d be happy with anyone who I found somewhat attractive, enjoyed spending time with, and felt a connection with.”
lol you’d be surprised at how hard it is just to find someone we feel a connection with. even before my accident, back when i was healthy and attractive, it was still difficult finding someone that i connected with. maybe it’s a me thing but i just didn’t “connect” with many people- same for close friends, let alone a SO.
and now it’s obviously a million times more difficult. so… sigh…
even if you conned a normal beautiful woman into being with you, you’d probably still not be happy long term with the girl, if conning is what you have to do to get her. you want someone to want you knowing the real you. otherwise, it doesn’t really count does it?
Yeah, I think it’s definitely harder for some personality types to find someone they feel a connection with. And I’m not sure everyone feels the need for that deep of a connection to begin with. A lot of people seem pretty content with keeping things fairly superficial for their entire lives.
The more superficial parts of me can imagine being content with conning a beautiful woman into being with me. Assuming I was that good of a liar, and was free enough from guilt and fear of discovery to actually enjoy it.
But yes, there is a crucial part of me that longs to be understood and accepted for who I really am. To no longer be alone, psychologically. And I don’t think that’s possible. Because core parts of me are fundamentally unacceptable. Even to myself. And yet despite being able to see that, logically, the part of me that longs for it won’t shut up.