Most days I wake up in this haze of irrational anger and hatred. I literally spend hours where pretty much my only thought is “I want to kill everyone. I want to destroy everything.”
Now obviously, that’s not within my power. I’m not a super-villain. But it’s the sentiment that’s confusing. Because deep down, it’s not really that I want to hurt people. I don’t want to take life from anyone who finds it meaningful, however much I may envy and resent them. I’m not a sadist.
At the core, I think I just desperately want not to exist anymore. To not be this mind that I am, with the thoughts and feelings it produces. I want not to be me anymore. I need a personality reset.
But I’m so terrified of the idea of death that the only way my mind can process the desire for non-existence is through fantasising about destroying the entire world, and every other being in existence. Because then I can stop thinking about it. I can stop comparing myself and my existence to the lives of others. I can stop feeling regret, and longing. There’ll be nothing to long for. Nothing to achieve. I won’t be “less than”, inferior, because there won’t be anyone else to be less than. No one to judge me. No one to compare myself to. No possibilities, alternatives. No past, no future. Just me, floating in the void, not dead, not alive.
It’s not the world I hate, not really. It’s myself. Large parts of me just want to stop. To cease to be. But the fear is too great. So the anger gets directed outwards. It’s the universe’s fault I’m the way I am. Everyone else is the problem. If they all just disappeared, I’d be fine. Surely.
5 comments
If everyone disappeared except you, the world would be a lonely and terrifying place.
I wish we existed more like microorganisms that lived in a pond and food was plenty and nobody ate anyone….a kind of utopian existence.
Being human requires lots of maintenance, lots of basics that must be met which many people take for granted. And if one’s life is not ‘great’ then there’s suffering, misery, sorrow and pointless pain.
I wish we could get rid of the bad people in the world who cause problems for others…either because they’re innately evil or their religion made them that way and I mean nearly all religions make people evil, esp. those that think they’re being good when they’re not.
Ya fear of dying is what keeps many of us around, no matter how bad things get for us…though I have my own redlines I plan to stick with…like homelessness, poverty.
Though tbh I don’t have an exiit plaan yet…just what I wish I could have. Luckily we have maiid in Canada and they can probably help bend the rules to get you out of a bad life.
I don’t really compare myself to others…because that’s their life and either by luck or hard work, if they succeeded, then that’s how they got there.
I should’ve been in a much better place right now and I would’ve probably been thinking about my spouse/future vacations and how my kids were performing in school in a nice big house and a cushy career-like my university friends….but mostly I’ve been getting bad luck in this life, though there were some good times too.
I live a fairly isolated existence, aside from my job and seeing friends/family I don’t get to socialize much/meet new people (and there’s nobody I’m interested in at my workplace).
When I was in my early 20s, my friends and I would be going to clubs almost every weekend…what’s really eating me is being single right now. I think it’d solve a lot of issues for me if I found a girl who met my requirements…young, pretty, fit, smart and into me, like my ex-gf’s.
The trouble is that I don’t have any friends who would be down go to bars/clubs and pick up…except maybe one…but I see him rarely and I’m the type to go alone.
Then the other big thing is where I live and my career….any major change is hard. I’ve considered a job upgrade…since I make a modest income…at the same time, I’m thinking of maybe retrying my luck at running a business again-but that in itself is a lot of work, but not beyond my abilities.
If suiicide booths existed on every street corner….there’s a good probability I would’ve used one already…but I’d at least be relieved to know I can bring that failed life to a close any time I wanted. Still though I’m around for a couple of people I care about…and will stick it out for them as far as I can.
I relate to these feelings. You ever try pot?
No, but I probably should.
Great writing as per usual man what jumped out at me was quote to not to be this mind that i am, and the thoughts and feelings it produces unquote that sums what pushes one over when its a severely depressed mind with depressed tboughts and feelings.
Thanks. I think there’s probably more wrong with my mind than just depression, or rather more fundamental issues with the way my mind works that inevitably lead to depressed thoughts and feelings. But I guess the desire to not be this anymore is the same either way.