I present my half baked paper tomorrow. Still getting comments that I did things wrong. Typical. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. Even though logically I really shouldn’t be. I decided already that this whole thing was a bust so a good presentation or a bad presentation shouldn’t really make any difference. I just really don’t like talking in front of anyone. The most important thing is that I don’t look too defeated when they pull apart every detail of my paper. Need to know how to take criticism. Regardless of what happens, I’m still going to go home tomorrow and make hot wings and dick around on my phone all evening. To try to calm myself I used to say “Whatever happens today, tomorrow will surely come.” I did for a small while, but I guess the saying never really stuck. Taking 2 pips of Klonopin with me tomorrow. To try to ease the anxiety when I present. Can’t take too much though because I need to drive home. Need to ask my psych about that. Well at the end of it all, I got to say, this really wasn’t worth it. Sort of. Got a sick PC out of it. Well, whatever. Doesn’t really matter any way.
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It mattered to you. I know I’m all over the place, move on then here I am reminding you that it mattered to you. You never know though. Walking away from coding was hard, is still hard. I still find that type of problem interesting.
There’s just more out there. In my case specifically I couldn’t stand the culture, it was a me problem all the way through. I’m just not eager to please enough.
I was watching a civil engineering video today and after fantasizing about my fictional career in it, I thought of you. That’s still engineering after a fashion, you still need all the maths. It just seems to me (a non engineer) that civil engineering is a growth industry.
If I had it to do, I’d go into drainage structures and how they are put together. That seems like it’d be really cool, and save lives. That’s me, always a sucker for saving lives.
Then there’s roadway design, which could use even a few half decent minds around here I can tell you.
Somewhere out there is someone who can appreciate you. When you find it, that will be worth it. The search continues.
I never say this enough, but thanks for your kind words. Honestly it’s a little impressive. From my understanding after reading some of your posts, you have more reasons than most on here to be bitter and jaded. Somehow you still seem optimistic. It’s a little strange.
I believe in people, individuals especially. I’m also not willing to compramise on the progress I made in that department. Once I thought it was everyone, when I was initiatially depressed I had no faith or hope at all for the world. Heck, the world is still screwed in my estimation.
People though might make out all right. Really stupid source of optimism here; years ago I was watching a documentary about the proliferation of atomic weapons. A general came on, they really wanted to make him look insensitive.
He said; “If the bombs drop, people will survive. Yes, it’s going to kill a lot of them, but most people live outside of the blast area.”
That’s been it for me for awhile. I don’t know if I’m going to be one of the survivors, whatever awful thing may happen. I’m cynical, awful things happen as a matter of course.
Someone survives though. That’s my legacy. If those people are strong and healthy, that’s a better chance the species might make it.
Of course I mean to do all I can to be a survivor, and I try to set up others that way too. Historically, humans have faced down worse, and you look at those times and there were people working full tilt to try and get the most people out alive possible. Seems like, I want to be one of them.