I genuinely thought the ‘i want to die’ phase was just a phase and that it was over but guess what not yet. Worst part is that before I could actually tell atleast one person about this but now I can’t even do that. The people I want to talk to have other people to talk to so I’m the one who’s always left and the one who always says that it doesn’t matter it’s fine I’m fine. They don’t even fucking ask atp and yeah I guess cuz I put up the greatest fucking act but for once I wish just once someone could see thru it and tell me what I want to hear which frankly even I don’t know what is but I just want some attention please ffs I’m vloody tired of being ignored and replaced actually even worse is that I’m not fully replaced so I always have that one fucking ray of hope that it’ll go back to normal and again hope is the worst thing.
I just want to die.
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I can relate so much to the hope thing. I’m managing just to distrust it. However I have a series of steps, and at the end of that set of steps is an outcome I’ve wanted my whole life. So it often hurts me, wanting that, allowing that hope in. The jury is still out on whether it was a good idea in the first place.
I guess in the early years I must have thought it was temporary. I really thought I could escape, but that was a long time ago. This current bacchinal of bizarre choices is deeply cynical.
I just want to want to die in a place where the weather doesn’t keep trying to make it happen.