Is anyone else completely alone like me? No friends, no family, no SO. Hell, not even a pet.
I had a few friends but they’ve all gone over the years. The last one last year. And I don’t mean “friends” the way American culture defines friends so loosely (like FB friend or hangout friend or anyone you talk to is a “friend” according to Americans)- I have a much more stringent definition of friend- like someone who is actually there for you.
Anyhow, I don’t even have a damn pet (allergies so I cannot). I have ZERO attachment to anyone and anything. Hell, I barely have an attachment to myself.
I feel like pretty much everyone else has SOMEONE. You guys here and everyone else- all have SOMEONE. Everyone has at least ONE CLOSE person, if not 3-4. I have none.
And no, I am done trying to make friends. Hasn’t worked out the last decade so fuck that.
It seems like everyone just wants to have fun and talk happy positive things- NO ONE wants talk about depression, hear about your depression, not even OTHER depressed ppl.
How does one deal with life being all alone and feeling all alone?
How does one NOT become depressed and stay depressed?
How does one stay sane?
How does one not lose all hope? Or perhaps it’s too late for me and I’m too far gone…
10 comments
You’re right that no one wants to talk about depression. I think in order to function the human mind has to filter out large parts of reality. If you allow yourself to really consider the hopelessness of someone else’s situation, then it can impact how you see life as a whole. So there’s a sense in which despair is potentially contagious, and people instinctually distance themselves from those espousing it the way you would if someone around you started coughing up blood.
I get the desire to really talk about it to someone that cares. I just don’t think anyone’s strong enough for that. No one has the mental resources to fully consider another person’s despair without it bringing them down. Even if they really care about that person. Especially if they really care about that person.
Some good therapists, possibly, if they’re really skilled at keeping an emotional distance and not getting too drawn in. But I know I’ve had at least one therapist who couldn’t stand the despair that leaked out of me and had to stop sessions.
You might find a group session where people will talk about it. But even there, the focus will inevitably bend towards coping strategies. No one wants to dwell on the misery.
So yeah, when it comes to depression, you are effectively alone. That’s kind of the point. People who care might try and be supportive or cheer you up, but no one wants to hear how terrible things are.
There are lots of others in a similar state, to a greater or lesser extent. But we can’t save each other. Not really. We’re all sinking in the quicksand too, some slower, some faster. We all have our unique issues that’ve led us here. There doesn’t seem to be a cure-all. Maybe at some point someone’ll come along with a rope, but I wouldn’t bet on it. When it comes to finding hope, it really is just within your own mind, as to what you consider reason for hope.
“No one has the mental resources to fully consider another person’s despair without it bringing them down.”
–That’s the thing- I would think there WOULD be ppl bc I, myself, am not brought down by listening to other ppl’s problems or depression. Hell, listening to other ppl’s problems or despair doesn’t bring me down but does the opposite- it distracts me from my own shit so I feel less down momentarily. I guess the rest of the world doesn’t think like I do, which then brings me back to the problem of no one understanding me- either they can’t or don’t want to listen/understand. I thus do not connect with anyone. And that brings me back to being all alone.
OH- and I used to listen/help other ppl/friends when they were down but was that EVER reciprocated? No. Every once in a while they would listen to a little bit but generally no. It pisses me off that they expected ME to listen to them every time they needed me but they wouldn’t listen to me when I was down and needed someone.
“I get the desire to really talk about it to someone that cares. I just don’t think anyone’s strong enough for that…Even if they really care about that person.”
–idk, I think very few ppl actually cared about me. If they did, they would at least listen to me and be understanding rather than just cut off all communications and contact…they only want to talk to me if I want to do fun activities or talk fun useless stuff (like celebrity crap or whatever). But to me, talking useless crap to someone is meaningless, like what’s the point. You can talk to a stranger at the bus stop about these same things. A friend you should be able to talk more meaningful things with (not necessarily depression stuff but more meaningful things). And idk, maybe it’s an American thing. But no one wants to ponder philosophy, morality, ethics, economics, politics, or just life in general.
Not even depression things, just thinking more deeply about life, questioning the things we do rather than be a robot and accept everything we are told to believe by MSM and not thinking about why we are doing the things we do. Apparently that’s a no-no as well.
I get that most Americans are not deep thinkers but jesus. I just need a few ppl to talk meaningful things with. Again, not even stuff relating to depression.
I’ve always been a deep thinker. I get that most Americans aren’t. But I cannot understand how 95% of ppl just want to talk about the latest episode of friends or the office, or whatever. It’s all useless banter/nonsense to me. Especially as a female, this is the female world- useless banter on useless things. Like talking hours on end about “shade gardens” or “duvet covers.” Yes, these are the things women talk about, and I can’t fucking stand it. I mean, I get talking about them for like a few minutes, but HOURS? And many many many conversations about it.
I’ve always been more of a “guy” (tomboy) when it comes to doing things or thinking about things. Hell, many guys have told me that I’m more of a “guy” than they were lol. So part of the problem is that I am just not the stereotypical girl, wanting to talk about shoes/purses/makeup/boys, etc. That’s literally what ALL women talk about and I can’t stand it.
I used to have a lot of guy friends but as you get older and they get gfs/married, you can’t be friends with them anymore. Or rather they choose not to have female friends bc I guess guys are only “friends” with girls to try to get with them. Or so I’ve been told by some guy friends.
SO basically, women want to talk about useless shit like makeup/purses/duvet covers/etc. And men like to fix things- so neither want to just listen and understand. Most of the time I just need to rant and just have someone listen/care. Men get frustrated bc they want to give solutions- solve problems- but depression isn’t really “solveable” like a broken down car.
I can’t really do online forums/groups/etc bc it doesn’t work to talk to strangers who don’t really care. Yes, I get that I’m on SP with a bunch of strangers, and does anyone here really “care” about other posters? But at least here ppl kinda know my story as there’s few regular posters and ppl here tend to stay for at least a few months at a time. In other groups, you post and nobody remembers you from Jack or Johnny. It’s just another post by another stranger on the internet. And many come and go daily so at any given day you post, you’ll get new ppl reading/posting.
I’ve done smaller groups, like the one you mentioned, where everyone goes around sharing for like 5-10min each. But depression talk requires more than 5min of talking and 5min of “feedback” and then on to the next person!
That’s never worked for me.
And forget therapists/counselors. They cost shit tons and are useless- they all read from a script/playbook/manual like good little boys and girls being told that this is what they should say. Generic cut and paste. “Think about all the positive things in your life” “Congratulate yourself for getting up today and showering” etc. Like the same ol’ stuff being told to me over and over again. It just doesn’t work.
And ofc I’ve read all the self-help books and articles and all that CBT crap advice that doesn’t work.
So I am stuck on what to do. I’m depressed with no one to talk to, no one that cares about me. And being alone and not understood, not cared, makes my depression worse.
And yes, for decades- my whole life- I’ve kept the depression talk contained to a few ppl or to depression groups- and talk “normal” stuff to normies but that just doesn’t cut it either. Like I mentioned earlier, I can’t stand talking useless shit like makeup and purses to ppl. I don’t really feel like making surface-y “friends” is worthwhile.
“But we can’t save each other.”
-Isn’t that the biggest fucking tragedy? I mean, the ONLY ppl who really understand, are ppl like us. But we can’t even really help each other. Hell, most depressed ppl/groups don’t even offer comfort either- like you said- they focus on coping strategies and optimistic talk so they can delude themselves into “thinking happy” which doesn’t work.
So I can’t even find comfort in other depression groups. It’s always “think happy,” and “good things will happen, you’ll see,” blah blah blah. Really funny, bc after 40+ years, things haven’t, so when will these “good things” happen? When I’m 70? Am I supposed to wait that long?
And yet I’m told I must “think happy thoughts.” And I get blamed for my depression bc it’s MY fault that I think negatively and not optimistically. If ONLY I thought optimistically, my life would be great. If it’s not, it’s bc you think negatively.
Like blaming a bird who has no wings that it cannot fly.
“but no one wants to hear how terrible things are.”
-But I do! I want to listen to real, raw honest thoughts, not all the “positivity” bullshit ppl spout 24/7.
-I want to hear these things so that I know I am not alone in these thoughts and there’s others who think the exact same things as me, that other ppl think like me too. I feel like an alien in this world, like i don’t belong. i get i’m not a “normie” but like i’m outcast in the depression groups too bc i refuse to pretend to be optimistic and all “happy-happy.” Pretending just doesn’t work- and these ppl want to pretend so bad- even tho they know it doesn’t work bc it hasn’t. And they will cut out anyone who would break their illusion bubble.
Sorry, first comment got blocked because I said “p*rtner”.
Yeah, I get what you mean, that when you’re down yourself, listening to other people talk about their problems can help distract you from your own. I’ve definitely experienced that in the past. So there are probably others out there who want that. But it may be quite a small segment of depressed people, with particular personality types. And the people who want to listen to others’ issues may be very different from those who want to talk about their own. But anyway, I get that feeling unable to connect and the resulting loneliness is the core issue.
Yes, most people are only comfortable with fairly superficial small talk. Which is understandable, because discussing religion, politics etc can quickly become divisive and confrontational (especially in our current polarised times.) And as someone who tends to ask a lot of questions, I can see how it can get annoying for people. Questioning things people take for granted can be deeply uncomfortable or even destabilising. But I get the desire for friends you can really ponder such stuff with.
I agree that’s probably easier if you’re male, though even then, you’re generally selecting for weirdos and oddballs. I suppose the male equivalent of “useless banter” is talking about cars/football, though I’d still take that over discussing duvets. I’m not sure if guys are “only” friends with girls to try to get with them, but it’s definitely a factor. I guess it can also be awkward to have close friends of the opposite sex if you’re in a relationship because of jealousy/fear of cheating.
Men do indeed want to fix things. Though I think that’s partially a defence mechanism against admitting we may be powerless in some instances. If you focus on giving possible solutions, then you don’t have to acknowledge that some issues may be unsolvable. Definitely guilty of that one.
I do think some therapists are better than others. If you’re lucky enough to find someone genuinely wise, it can be different. But they’re probably quite rare. I think relying on a script is kind of another way to shield yourself from getting sucked into the client’s hopelessness.
But yeah, that’s understandable, to seek out others who share your thoughts/worldview so you feel less alone, less alien. There’s certainly routes you can follow, like pessimistic literature, antinatalism etc. I spend a lot of my time listening to depressing genres of music for similar reasons. Not sure how healthy any of that is or whether it helps in the long term, but I guess whatever helps you cope.
I do think looking for someone who thinks the “exact” same things as you is kind of a high bar, in terms of connection. Personally, though there are certain qualities I look for that allow me to relate to someone, I also appreciate the differences. I think it’s possible, even necessary, to understand someone without being in the same headspace yourself. No one is ever going to experience exactly what you are. That doesn’t mean they can’t understand you and accept you.
“I do think looking for someone who thinks the “exact” same things as you is kind of a high bar, in terms of connection.”
-oh hell naw, i don’t want someone who thinks the “exact” same as me. maybe even 50-60% is enough. it’s not even about having the same views- it’s about someone open to thought and discussion. someone who is also a deep thinker. it’s crazy to me that most people, especially americans, are so superficial. even when they’re alone, they think superficial things.
i’m a nerd. all my previous ex’s were nerds as well. and no, they weren’t losers. and neither was i back then. it’s so strange to me that americans view intelligence as a handicap vs a strength to be celebrated. nerds are made fun of here.
i have joined some antinatalist groups but these ppl are such posers. very few are genuine antinatalists. and these groups mostly just share memes which i think is pretty pointless if that’s ALL they do.
The last person I tried getting close to emotionally blackmailed me with suicide threats. Unless a still incredibly abusive and manipulative family or completely random people on youtube count, then yeah, I have no one and haven’t had any for years.
I don’t know. I’ve dived head first into a stupid hobby or two, and I’ve started writing stories that are a mix of my life story and also a little bit of what I wish it could be instead. It’s not exactly keeping me sane, but maybe someday someone will hear about my life through them. Maybe that’ll make me just a little bit of a someone to somebody someday. Or maybe I’m just deluding myself to last a little longer.
One thing is for sure, around a decade ago I was close to being kind of normal and was working hard to get my ptsd and other stuff under control. Now I’m just a fearful anxious and sickly wreck after a decade of more crap. It sucks that I was so close then a stupid couple of seemingly innocuous decisions led to this. Can’t converse normally anymore with people without risking going straight into a panic, even through text like this. I’m going to hit send, and flip a coin.
i feel the exact same way. no one stays. no one wants to talk about depression because they think it’s just “feeling sad” hell no, why won’t anyone understand? If depression is just “being sad” then how did it develop further into more disorders. i feel completely alone. i would gladly be your friend if you let me.