And that’s why it really hurts. Radiohead. This is one of those times where I feel like I need to let it out but don’t really know what to say. Still feel like I’m drowning. Still feel like this doesn’t end well. Still can’t stand to look them in the eye when I talk. It’s not going to end well. It really isn’t. The thing is, I do it to myself. Nobody else to blame.
Shouldn’t a person be able to choose their own ending? That thought keeps popping up in my head again and again. My fantasies are growing more and more. All I can think of is blowing my own brains out. I was mid fantasy when I got singled out in the meeting today. They didn’t ask me a question or anything, simply acknowledged my existence. Still threw me off.
I think I finally managed to nail the coffin shut. When she didn’t respond to the birthday text I sent her, I think it finally set reality straight. Don’t think about her much anymore. When I do think about all that time I spent obsessing over her, missing her, and anything to do with those feelings I just feel a little hollow. I associate Like A Friend from Pulp so much with all those feelings around her, so anytime I hear it I feel a little off. But I think I finally nailed that coffin shut. Took pretty much all of my 20s, but I did it.
Here’s a song that was on my mind: