It took me three hours to get to words, it was that bad of a day. I almost quit. I may yet. Wow am I in a bad mood deep down. The discontent, it ferments deep.
Start, the fire alarm went off the third time. The third time, and I’m still trying to get the same client checked in that I was trying to get checked in the FIRST TIME. The SECOND time another client commented that this was an inhumane working environment, I agreed.
Clients are leaving, food isn’t worth this to them, imagine how bad that has to be. They’ll be back tomorrow, so I have to endure this and it means more work for me later….
and my boss checks on me, and I say if that fire alarm rings again I’m done. There are construction workers on site, and they set off the alarm, three times in less than 15 minutes. I considered calling local news, because this is human cruelty, might be a slow news day, human interest kind of thing.
Instead my boss says ; “Break” and I say “Okay”, and I go call the crisis line.
Where my mouth stays ahead of me enough that I didn’t realize I felt that way. I mean I did, obviously. It was stuff I was avoiding. Nearing complete post modernity, hope being gone, nearly totally pissed at the ordinary people of the world. I mean, it still feels pretty damn remote, and because of that, specifically that, I’m dissociating hard…..
and I don’t know if I can recharge my batteries enough, but I’m going to have to try.
Because then I went back inside to face the music, because that’s the kind of guy I am. Whatever we need to do, we need to do. I’m a fixer, I know my failings, and I want to make right. and I opened up to my boss, hard as THAT is.
She surprised me and I surprised me. She offered me annual leave to go home, and I took it.
So then when I get home, turns out our plans for dinner fell through so we need to go to the store. On that trip to the store, my wife talks about some things that give me a small amount of hope….. which is like, but what about the whole thing earlier? Hope? in this economy?
So I’m getting really conflicting signals. I don’t even know which outcome I want. Post modernity has advantages, so does hope of course. It’s unpleasant being between though.