Just stalling again. Last week I said I had to present on my progress, but I was mistaken. It’s this week. And I’m in a worse position than when I was last week. Funny how that works itself out. I’m starting to feel more sick when I’m around the other lab assistants. It used to be that I got sick just by being in the lab, but when I’m there by myself I feel fine. My inferiority complex is doing a number on my body. I think I stared at one of them too long. They seemed disturbed by that. It was the girl. The one I always said I felt most comfortable around. But now I feel even her judgment. It’s probably all in my head, but I really hate being around people. It makes me sick.
I had therapy today. Told him about all the problems and the crisis line etc. Honestly, I never feel like I make any progress with him. He always asks me “why did you do that” or “why did this happen”. If I knew the fucking answer, why would I be here. I told him about this thing I saw yesterday. These sticky notes left on the main door of the lab building. “It’s ok to have bad days.”. “Be proud if you tried your best.” “Trying your best is enough.” Something to that effect. They pissed me off so fucking badly. I know it was probably some young undergrad trying to spread positivity and cheer and blah blah blah. They knew nothing about me or my situation or that I would find those notes. But they might as well given me the finger and told me to go blow my brains out. Everything about it pissed me off to no end. Reminded me of that crisis warning sign at the top of the parking garage. Way back when, and I even did a post about it back then, I had a late night delivery job. It was my first job and I was a college freshman, so those memories stick out to me a bit. But since it was late night, the only parking spots available were the ones on the top floor. So after every shift I’d have to park on the top floor and take the stairs to get down. By the stairwell there was those crisis warning signs saying “It’s not too late call xxx-xxxx”. It was meant as a last defense against anyone going to dry dive. That stupid fucking sign always pissed me off. I felt like it was mocking me. That it was daring me to fucking jump. I feel like when there are messages or sayings or little signs that try to “lift my spirits”, it makes me want to put them over my knee and break them. As if some sort of cheerful mantra is going to make me say “Maybe I don’t want a bullet to the brain actually. Maybe I do enjoy this hellish nightmare that I wake up to every day.” IDK, maybe I’m being overly dramatic.
There’s a box cutter in the lab toolbox. I said my kitchen knives were way too dull. Just something I noticed. No videos or music or noise seems appealing to me lately. My comfort show and movie is FLCL and Summer Wars, but I don’t even think that will cheer me up. I’ve made some sort of pseudo peace with not hitting the deadline. Now I just need to brace myself from the judgement that awaits.