The problem with sleep, I find, is that it requires you to let go. To accept the circumstances of your reality, at least enough to feel comfortable being unconscious for 8 hours at a time. To feel that things are in some sense ok, or at least they will be at some point in the future. That things are, more or less, under control.
And I haven’t had that feeling, for so long. Nearly 15 years now. And it’s been getting worse and worse as I age. As whatever irrational youthful optimism I once had drains away.
I need something to tell myself, to convince myself that in some sense, at some point, things will be ok. I have nothing. No partner. No real friends. No hope of finding any kind of intimacy, or meaningful relationship. No prospect of a meaningful career or work that isn’t insecure. No hope of ever being free of physical pain and discomfort.
What can I whisper to myself, in the darkest hours before the dawn, too tired to distract myself but unable to fall asleep?
“Some day, this will all be over. You will die, and that’ll probably be the end. Your brain will cease to function, and there will be no more thoughts. No more desires, regrets, longing, fear, loneliness, pain. Just decomposition, and then transformation into different forms of life, with other concerns. What need would the buzzing, wriggling, writhing mass have for fixation on what could’ve been? In place of this pointless misery will be the rawness of blind life, unencumbered by thought, consuming and churning on in its endless struggle to multiply and spread.”
That’s about the best I can hope for. To end my existence, and be replaced by organisms too simple for neuroses. And for the space I fill in society to be occupied be someone more well-adjusted, and able to make the most of the resources I consume.
And the prospect doesn’t do much for me. It’s insufficient to cling to. There’s no warm & fuzzy feeling. Not even really a resigned peace at the thought. Who knows how long I’ll have to wait for such an end? Another 5,000 nights? 10,000? And how much worse will it get before the end?