I should stop adding salt to my wounds

Or actually, I should probably rephrase that since that doesn’t show the amount of responsibility present in that case. I’m more so the one who causes said “wounds” (in a metaphorical sense, no self harm, yet) to myself, and then other people are able to add salt to them as a result of that. Yeah, if I could reasonably list out how many of my problems would be self-inflicted, that would make more sense than it already does.

Of course, such a thing can only be most directly applicable to my case, but regardless, I’ve encountered some problems throughout the last 2 to 3 years. Some (if not most) have been brewing in the background, and of course a bunch of those came about very unexpectedly. My housing situation is the most uncertain due to the people I live with, I should not be their psychoanalyst but I apparently am with how much of their faults I’m noticing in terms of managing finances and making any safe or rational decisions, as well as failing to see where they stand in this point in time and then wondering why exactly shit is so bad when as far as I’m aware, not only did they do nothing to brace for the storms that consist of their lives, but they cause it from start to finish, sitting there in the raft like everything is fine meanwhile the waters slowly sweep up and onboard, then all of a sudden when lightning, thunder or whatever the heck kind of naturally made electricity strikes down on them they tend to look up all surprised, somehow not noticing that the water is already at their knees. Yeah. I have a family history of high blood pressure, both sides of my family do, unfortunate being born under these people really (I’d have to say it), and yet in terms of that both my parental figures neglect such things until it’s too late even though both of their parents are at least hospitalized or bedridden due to such traits.

Hey, and speaking of which I have myself a 12 oz cup of matcha with two teaspoons (if that’s the measuring unit) of sugar nearby me right now (I can taste that I put too much today). I’d ought to be quite the idiot even if I’m three decades younger than them both.

Either way, it’s like they expect me to take care of their hospital and funeral arrangements when the time comes, I’d argue maybe they should try to be in a position where they can do that themselves. That’s what I’d try to do, since I don’t trust myself with being even a foster parent first of all and I secondly don’t see why I should all of a sudden become the responsibility to bear of those around me. I’d ought to be as unlikely as them to do that though with my level of dysfunction, because my sleeping schedule and hours clocked in have not been consistent in the slightest since April, nor has my medication taking (which includes a small dosage of SSRIs, so that’s potentially dangerous, and of course it is, only goes to prove the point unfortunately) (of course, such missing of the medication is “on purpose” such as not caring at whatever time I do this or that, but not “on purpose” in the sense that I’m trying to throw myself off a cliff, I’ve morally messed up enough with this behavior to rather warrant doing what I’m supposed to rather) and food eating and hygiene related things, I literally haven’t had it stable for half a year at this point. Could say I’ve “done things” but not in the ways that I should have, with the momentum I should exhibit, and this leads to especially poor choices in the present.

What happens as a result of those poor decisions, I’m not certain about. I can only really say that they are obviously due to the conduct of someone who not only fails to act in their own interests, but more importantly according to what they even deem as “important” to begin with. This kind of crap, ultimately, is why I went through that depression sort of diagnostic by my general doctor, and also as a result disqualified myself from military service once I went down that psychiatry route, but of course being in the Navy or Air Force shouldn’t be a requirement for getting your shit together. I myself know that I’d be failing everyone I know and meet in the future from this kind of behavior alone, this apathy has been considered normal in terms of my circumstances since the 6th grade. Hell, certainly since middle school, I’ve been given the chances only to mess them up, that time I can pinpoint as the start of it for reasons I won’t mention this time around.

Due to all of this my college essay which was looked over closely in the drafting process by an english teacher, you get the gist, was not recommended to be sent even though at the time we both agreed it was solid, primarily because “it would be important not to paint yourself in a negative light”, but why not be honest? Especially considering how I pale in comparison to the international transfer students for no good reason, I’d ought to state my mistakes right then and there, recognizing what made me who I am today and the role I played in shaping myself, which was, fortunately or unfortunately, massive.