Utilitarian survival

It’s literally just now that I had excess energy, for the first time in days, which has been a mixed bag of a breakdown I can tell you what. Yes, breakdown, once again my week ended with me trying to quit and failing.

The difference between these and other times in my life that I’ve had breakdowns is that I am remarkably better resourced now than I was even 2 years ago. Which allowed me to build a plan… that’s all that is usually required to get through even the nastiest shit. Oh and this definitely qualifies as that.

I can’t harp on it much though,  counterproductive to my desire to rise above and dominate. It’s an impressive beast of a set of bad days and awful situations. I was overthinking it, as though I could reason with the unpleasantness of it all. Sometimes, it’s just not possible. Sometimes it is futile to engage with stuff. Often actually. I’m very pro disengaging these days.

That’s the solution anyway; walls up, work hard on keeping the peace, because it’s a fight otherwise. I have limited allies, no one is fully behind me, either I make it happen or it doesn’t. My therapist asked how that helps with the paranoia and victim complex issues, and I admitted that was a specific flaw with where I’m at, but as yet I can’t seem to solve for it.

Quote a proverb; “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you” and it isn’t specific is what I keep coming back to. It’s a callous and indifferent system. There isn’t room for me, here, possibly anywhere.

So I fight. If only for the right to be, that’s what I hold on to. Yet suicidality stays right outside the doorway if you follow. It’s waiting in the wings to come back if needed. I’ve sufficiently frightened people, and shame me though it does, that satisfies something in me. I have a cruel streak that comes out in times of extreme emotion, and there it is.

I just can’t turn it inward right now. I literally can’t, it doesn’t work right. So, lacking place to outlet, I just became cruel and unyeilding, because it’s better than being nothing.

They don’t know the monster they’re feeding, ha, but what do I care? I’d never hurt a person. Only organizations and assets. If it can think, it needn’t worry about me hurting it directly.

I made a comment today that centered it; I haven’t found a way to hurt them directly, yet. So I admitted to myself that I’m not only looking, I’m pretty sure I’ll find it.

Either I’m going to live well, or I’ll get my revenge, one or the other. I used to think I had more input in which I would do. I guess I put off deciding for a few decades. I lost whatever did it before though. Whatever magic words, or incentive kept me from thinking that revenge sounded like a pretty effective means of correcting the wicked. Well, the wicked as I think of them, it’s a subjective value judgemment, but it seems that quite a few people agree with me about what makes them wicked.

Which still doesn’t justify a thing. Nothing justifies anything.