Ok so change of plans. Not going to try to kill myself after all. I’ve been prepping these last few weeks. Isolating myself from my friends and those around me. Not eating for a few days. Telling my family that I’ll flunk and committing to flunking to further destabilize. Pushing myself in the lab. Constantly reminding myself of my 25 year time limit. Really drive home how hopeless my situation is intentionally and even on a subconscious level. I was trying to drive myself into a corner to manually override my will to live so I can finally give myself that push. It was starting to work when I almost stood in the street (even though it wouldn’t have even worked cause it was a car idling at a red light). However a factor that I did not see coming came up and supersedes all of that. I can not die now. No matter what. So I will ask for an extra semester. Find the money somehow. Beg my advisor to let me continue on. Point out that it would be a waste for him cause of all the resources I have used up so far and him still not getting a paper out of it. I’m getting my Masters come hell or high water. After that I don’t know. I don’t want to get too crazy, but maybe I’ll apply to a PhD after all. If I have to live, I’m going to do what I want. That’s what I want. Even though I don’t think I’m qualified at all. Even if all I’m doing is continuing the pain of feeling useless around a bunch of competent academics. Even if there is no way in hell I could ever write a dissertation seeing as I can’t even write a thesis. Even if everything about it is a million times harder than the stuff I do now. Of course I can apply, but there’s no guarantee that I’ll get in. I can’t imagine my advisor is all that impressed by my time here, so allowing me to stay for something that could take 4 to 5 years is not something he’d be super down for. Applying to another school would be even harder. Can’t say I have any glowing references and the thesis I’m going to be writing (or capstone if it gets downgraded) probably won’t light the world on fire. But I’ll try. If not, to industry I go. As much as I find it not that great and still have all the issues I list above. But I got to eat so ya know. Because I have to live. No matter what.
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6 comments
A masters in what? Engineering?
And why would you want a PhD when you’re already struggling with a masters? Plus that’s more years of $$$$$$$.
Because it’s what I want. Having dreams is stupid isn’t it? Also PhD is more like a job. You get paid somewhat through grants and other awards. You need to apply for them, but that’s how it is. Also I think you get some money from the lab. I’ll never get rich working on a PhD, but I’m not really interested in money.
I never said having dreams is stupid. I just said it was expensive bc they usually are. But if you can get the grants, then ok.
I was being facetious. I didn’t take it negativitly.
It’s really hard to push yourself into that corner, isn’t it? I’ve tried a few times myself and it turned out much the same. Not sure if that’s the nature of the challenge or just coincidence.
I wonder though if your reason is the same as mine ends up being; path of lowest effort. It’s lower effort to just do what other people want, rather than slashing out through the weakest wall. There’s something they’ll agree to that I can tolerate, in theory.
It isn’t the end of the road for suicidality in any event, just a change in the tide of battle. I wonder how you intend to keep that tide changed? My hand is still on the exit…. but it’s been there since 25 as it so happens. My indifference towards life and desire towards death is an open secret with most people.
I’m thinking similar thoughts to you right now, double down on what works. For me it’s going back to school, do a masters, do my PhD, post grad, and so on. Academia seems so much better at creating meaningful work. Not to mention the higher pay if I get just one or two ranks higher in education. People already assume I have both, in regular life, probably because of the way I talk.
Academia is a lovely retreat from the real world, if you can make it work.
Nothing has changed about me mentally. I still see myself as a worthless nobody that will never amount to anything. I still fear people and things out of my control. The factor that’s changed however is external. Something I can’t reason against. It may change in the future. I hope it changes, but not for my sake. Changes in a good way. Until then, I have to keep going. Not because it’s forcing me to but because I want to. So I’ll stick it out, no matter what.