I wasted my teenage years on fear. Anxiety, avoidance, isolation. Missed all the opportunities to grow and develop as a person. Went to college barely more socially capable than an average 11-year-old. Became even more isolated, even more crippled by anxiety. Dropped out, and gave in to depression, addiction. Wasted my early 20s on that. More fear, more isolation. Only this time without hope of a way out. Lost any sense of who I was. Guilt, shame, despair.
With a lot of help from my family, tried to pull things together a few times in my mid-20s. Finally got a dead-end job, still living with parents. Socially & financially where most people are in their mid-teens, only without the prospects. Without anything ahead of me. Despair grew deeper, as I realized this was the life I’d made for myself. Each day anxiety at work, followed by exhaustion at home. Still addicted, though coping mechanisms having less and less effect. Harder and harder to sleep.
Quit job in my late 20s and moved again (still living with parents.) Even more isolated because no longer working. More isolation and avoidance. Relapse. Therapy. Self-hatred. Despair grows deeper. Relapse. Quit therapy.
Finally moved out to my own place early 30s, still with a lot of support from family. Semi-independent. Finally found work I seem well-suited for, make just enough to support myself. But work from home so still extremely isolated. Hit mid-30s, realize I’m officially over the hill. Feel it. Back pain. Work is painful. Everything is painful. Despair grows deeper. Still addicted, though addictions even less effective at covering over despair. Now socially where most people are in their early 20s. Only without the social skills, or life experiences, or future prospects, or physical health.
There’s certain doors that close, with time, as you age. And though I was vaguely aware of that fact, I existed in a state of denial. Until it was too late. I thought there would be time, until it was obvious the time had passed.
I’ve missed pretty much every significant life experience you’d expect to have between the ages of 15 and 37. Over 20 years where there should be key moments to shape me as a person. Instead I mostly just hid at home, or buried myself in inconsequential tasks that got me nowhere.
And now I’m in the stage of life where if feels like the only meaningful thing left to do is build a family. And I’m utterly incapable of that. I’m not even capable of being in a relationship. I think I’m barely capable of friendship. And in another 5 years, that’ll be another window of my life that I’ve missed out on. More chances to grow and develop as a person that I’ve skipped. And the regret and despair will just grow deeper.
14 comments
comparison is a massive killer, the shame it causes is suffocating and paralyses a person. maybe i’m naive because i’m young, but i don’t think there’s such a thing as wasted time (i go back and forth though), we’re always doing something and our minds are working. there are valid reasons to why you’ve taken this path, societal expectations shouldn’t be so crippling and cruel to people with bad luck. you’re incredibly strong for going so long with the obstacles you’ve faced. despite being in control, no one wants to be miserable. i hope you find your spark for change
Oh, there is most *definitely* such a thing as wasted time. You will find out as you get older.
You’re right that social comparison is suffocating/paralysing. I would say that there’s wasted time though, if there’s things that’re important to you. There’s some experiences you can only really feel while you’re young, and you don’t realise that until the window has closed.
yup, feel you there husk- lots of “windows” have closed, or narrowed as time passes…wish i could re-do life differently, knowing what i know now
i guess you’re right. i can’t realise that yet
You don’t need to build a family- just need to find the right woman- one who doesn’t want kids. Lots of women nowadays don’t want kids, and you shouldn’t “force” yourself to have any just bc that’s what most ppl do.
I don’t need to have children- but I definitely do want a husband- the right guy.
Who knows if we’ll EVER find our soul mates…or even someone “good enough.” -.-
You don’t need to build a family- just need to find the right woman- one who doesn’t want kids. Lots of women nowadays don’t want kids, and you shouldn’t “force” yourself to have any just bc that’s what most ppl do.
I don’t need to have children- but I definitely do want a husband- the right guy.
Who knows if we’ll EVER find our soul mates…or even someone “good enough.” -.-
I know I don’t “need” a family, and I’m the last person who should be having kids. There is the social comparison thing though, where you look around at people who seem to be content/successful/fulfilled. And they all seem to have at least one kid in their early 30s. And then there’s me, who has nothing. And it’s like “what’s my stake in the future? What am I living for?” I don’t know, there’s just this way it involves you in society that I think is very hard to find otherwise. And it feels like it teaches you something crucial about life? To be selfless?
As for the “right” woman, I don’t think she exists. I just don’t think I’m capable of relationships. I’m such a fucking mess. And even if I did find someone who could overlook that, I doubt I could care about them the way they deserved.
have you heard of DINKS? Dual Income No Kids. There are many couples without kids who are super duper happy. People don’t need kids to be happy, and the idea that you HAVE to have kids to feel happy/fulfilled is propaganda bullshit pushed onto the masses.
And I know SO many ppl who have kids who are just unhappy, bc having kids believe it or not, makes relationships with one’s partn.ers *worse* not better. at least until the kid is like 18. when the kid is young- which is <15 typically- it's not easy raising a kid- and it causes couples to fight all the time. also, couples will tell you they are happy when in reality many of them are unhappy being stuck with kids- especially women bc women are the ones who do 75% of the child rearing. Maybe you only know couples who are happy with kids, but the vast majority of couples with kids are having less than ideal lives, and some are downright miserable and unhappy. THe "happiness" with having had kids usually comes when the kid is grown and all the hard work is over, and all the fights are over. But that's 18 years of crap tho. You should go look it up- many couples with kids are unhappy- but it is not cool to talk about it so most couples, especially women- never talk about it, and keep their thoughts hidden from friends/family/etc bc women are SUPPOSED to love kids and all that crap. It's still pretty taboo for a woman to say they don't like kids or want any. Of if they already have kids, that they are unhappy.
Yeah, you’re not wrong. It’s just… as I get older, I feel increasingly alienated from culture & society. Movies, tv shows, popular music… I find them less interesting every year. And part of that is that they’re not made for me. They’re made for young people. Because people in my demographic are supposed to be too busy raising a family to take much of an interest in culture. We’re supposed to have real lives. And I don’t. We’re supposed to be focused on something beyond ourselves. It’s like everyone else has moved on multiple stages in life, and I’m stuck grasping for meaning in the empty things I used to take refuge in. I should be past wasting my time with this shit, but I’ve blocked myself off from anything more meaningful.
But you’re right, if I had a partn*r that I felt genuinely connected to, that would probably be enough. I’m just comparing myself to what seems ideal from the outside in feeling like I should have a family.
Went to college “barely more socially capable than an 11-year-old”? Is that so? I mean, what exactly determines that in a setting where, sort of cliche point I’m making here, the focus is obviously on education and you have no real measurement of your social capabilities or whatever you want to consider it from that? How exactly does that affect you there? Not that it doesn’t get in the way if you’re noticing a deficiency, but I’m guessing you probably dropped out for a different reason altogether than just social skills or whatever people call it.
I mean, think about it, realistically it sounds like you had deeper problems at the time besides that, it’s attributing a surface level symptom as the thing to be treated when it’s obviously something else. Doctors, of course, in practice vary between the approaches, they either treat the symptoms or the root cause of them, but my take there is that the best approach depends on what kind of thing you are inflicted with. Addiction and depression for instance don’t just pass like the common cold, CERTAINLY not, and even then you have preexisting factors that increase your risk of susceptibility to “dealing with your problems” (even though things only kind of get worse) in those kinds of ways, you know?
Now when it comes to the mid 30s part only to hit where people are in their early 20s as you put it, fair, I’d say, to some extent there is such a thing as wasted time. The circumstances needed for stuff to count as wasted time are quite particular and vary on what the person subjectively thinks, but there are some things that are regrettable uses of time and ways of approaching things nonetheless I think, I can say that’s fair of you to think. These mistakes still add value, as all time does, but ultimately not as much as they should have, and you can only take so much value from things that you ultimately still consider to be mistakes.
Truth be told though, if you are this behind as you put it, then there’s hardly any waiting for other factors to come along that are more of a matter of chance than anything else. I’m not big on relationship stuff, but at the very least outside of the chance of finding someone who you can actually work with, you still thankfully have the ability to make yourself easier to work with, the capability part most likely coming from doing certain things right and not doing certain things wrong within this current time period of our society and the standards it adheres to in terms of relationship stuff, child raising, all that. It’s kind of a well oiled process I would figure after so many years of people doing this stuff, but then again it always has the potential to go badly, somehow you still see that nowadays. Nonetheless, what helps the most in such a case is focusing on the tangible stuff, because you at least start from somewhere with all that. If it seems like it’s not worth it given any circumstances on your side you may know of, it’s not worth it, but I’d say improvements can be made that most people would agree are, in fact, improvements.
11 is probably an exaggeration. I was just trying to drive home how far behind I fell in social development as a teenager. 14 or 15 is probably more accurate.
It affected me by being unable to cope with parties or make friends. As a result I barely interacted with my housemates. The social anxiety got so bad that it was a struggle to leave my room, even to make food.
Sure, improvements can be made. It’s just it rarely feels worth it.
Ah, I see, I do get the sentiment then in terms of that when it comes to the social development. In terms of those more accurate measures, I mean, yeah, at that rate I know other grown up people for better or worse who fit them, a bunch in different categories but some obviously in the same. “Acting a certain age” can prove much more detrimental in other areas, such as financially or time management with scheduled appointments and meetings, etc. For the latter of course, as long as you don’t mess up what is obvious (showing up where and when you said you’ll be), people will be pretty appreciative of you to start out with, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are still issues with being “underdeveloped” socially, you have a point there.
When it comes more in particular to how it affected you though, that is quite harsh to hear. I’m certainly less well oiled in person in comparison to how I would be typing up composed and slightly more thought out messages otherwise, but to the extent of actively avoiding exiting your room, it interferes pretty heavily with daily activities. I would say that it’s also hard to simply break out of if you basically don’t have much of anybody you know that well, since a big part of the anxiety is (maybe?) not knowing how they’d react in the first place, and probably not wanting to know or see that either. Quite understandable since people in general can be scary especially if you have reasons from the past that cause distrust to anyone new or unfamiliar as a result, but I’m not sure if that was necessarily part of your conflict there. It seemed more like what they would think of you rather than the harm they would have been capable of, if that sounds right, but then again stuff like can be hard to pin down, that’s why you can kind of have it going on for so long.
I will certainly tell you that from what you’ve written on the previous pessimism titled post, you are better than a bunch of people to interact with, at least in the moment, in this context and format. Same kind of goes for others in that one would assume that it does depend on the context in which you interact with them, but usually in my case I take similar approaches as a person to a lot of things regardless of the topic matter. Your thoughts are well ordered, and well ordered thoughts are nice to see.
Either way, it’s up to you in terms of the improvement stuff, life will not have the same focuses for everyone so the improvements are quite subjective and more so about gaining a greater understanding of what you want in that case. If you find out that something labeled as an “improvement” actually isn’t so, you can feel free to leave that behind and focus on other things. Areas you feel you lack in are a bunch of the time directions for where you actually want to be going and spending your time doing, but they can also be quite external reasoning wise in terms of why you’d want to build upon them, yadda yadda, you get the idea…
I think part of the anxiety is (was) an extreme fear of judgement, or being perceived negatively. And that’s linked to a fear of violence, caused by bullying I experienced as a child. But that persists even now, where in most circumstances I’m at very low risk of facing violence. I’m afraid of how people who pose no physical threat to me perceive me – because of the lingering possibility that their negative perception of me will lead them to encourage others to attack me, as it did in school. I fear that overall social perception of me will result in attitudes where people feel it’s acceptable to mistreat me. Even though that’s far less likely among adults, and I’m far more capable of defending myself now than I was then.
I appreciate you saying that. I find it much easier to interact slowly in writing, where I can take time to think about what I’m saying. In person I’m far more quiet and awkward, and I think it makes people uncomfortable. People are forever commenting on how quiet I am, and trying to “draw me out of my shell.”