A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think it’s at a place where if I fix just one thing I can get back to testing. I was not in a good state of mind yesterday. Luckily I had a really good friend to talk to that I think it calmed me down. Hope things go well with her new venture and spending time with her friend.
My bitter rage from yesterday was silently evident. People were working around me in the lab and I really just could not stand it. Slipped a little with my tone that tipped off my jackass labmate who can’t answer his slack messages to save MY life. I simply told him I was really tired. Then the girl came. I slacked her before going to bed at 6 AM telling her I pulled an all-nighter and I might not be at the meeting cause of sleep. There was no meeting anyways because of the “Mental Health Day”. I always love the irony. Eventually when she showed up to the lab and I was working the next day she asked if I was ok. I simply said I was fine. She said I stayed up very late last night. I said Yup and go back to looking at my robot and computer, not bothering to look at her. She stayed there silent for possibly 10 seconds before leaving. What was going through her head? “Should I reach out? Should I leave him be? Wow what a jackass! Should I be concerned? Maybe he’s just tired.” Whatever it was, she eventually left. A great(er) bitterness came over me. I didn’t need anyone. Why would I want anything from any of them? So they could look down on me? So I could breakdown and admit I’m not an engineer like them? Fuck that. Then I calmed down when I talked to my friend and actually ate a meal. My diet this past week is horrible. Maybe 1 meal a day maybe. No groceries. Too busy.
I had my fourth session with my psych. Told him the situation and he just really listened. Gave some advice, but still not fully convinced. He found the entries I gave him to be insightful. He came up with a few theories. I thought they were reasonable and sort of obvious. One caught me completely by surprise. The through-line through everything is my desire for control. This is fairly obvious. I say as much going all the way back to when I was 17. This desire to die reflects this. I get to to choose how I end. Fair but not completely on the mark. He didn’t pick up the other through-line. Freedom. Freedom from everything. All the emotions I can’t control, the desires I felt for her before she vanished, the worries and the fears. If I have control, I have freedom. Then he surprised me with something. All of this, everything I’ve felt since I was a teen can stem from that first fear. I’ve mentioned before, but when I was an elementary kid and first realized what death meant and how there’s not stopping or controlling it, I had a break. I needed therapy and did strange rituals that I’m embarrassed to talk about so that me and the people I love didn’t die. Constantly worrying when it will happen. Then the switch flipped. I started to desire it. Why? He thinks I rubber-banded myself. He didn’t use that term, but that’s what I’m calling it. I was so afraid of this concept that eventually I snapped myself into the completely opposite direction. He explained this can happen sometimes. I think the example he gave was confusing, but apparently it exists. I feared the lack of control that death represented that now instead I see it as a way to take control. Death is freedom and freedom is control. This made sense. I think it’s a good starting point. But I still feel there are pieces missing. I also explained the checkers analogy and he did mention that seemed like a small breakthrough. Although I would say the loudmouth is kicking the quieter one’s ass right now considering the robot.
I started listening to this again. Loved it when I was manic.