Got zero idea what I’m doing. Not a clue. I haven’t been able to work on testing because of a stupid supply chain issue. I need it to do pretty much all of my tests except for one. Maybe I could test one side to see how well it does with the “pipes”, but I guess I’m too damn lazy or maybe afraid. I know I can do the bend angle test just fine and I’ll probably so it tonight (maybe). Not looking forward to restringing when I end up snapping a cable. I hope it holds up to make the U shape I swore I saw last time. But some of the cables look worn and I can’t remember which ones were. I just need to pick the best one and I’m sure it’ll hold. Can’t read or write at all. Just too distracted. The past 2 weeks or so have seem a bit breezy, but I know they shouldn’t be. I got a late January deadline for the first conference and that seemed like the one he was most invested in. So I need to test. Even if it means me staying here over winter break. I really don’t want to do that. I feel like it’s 85-15. 85% of the time I have no idea what I’m doing or what anyone is talking about or what’s going on. 15% I do but I don’t even do it all that well. Every single brain cell is screaming that this is a bad idea. It was screaming when I was in the meeting asking for an extension. It is when ever I try to do any reading or even go into the lab. Typical. Always running. Doing it now that I “know” that I have leeway, but I really don’t. Not even close.
I didn’t expect to see 2025. I really didn’t. Everything lined up like I had a straight shot. All my plans and schemes and I end up doing a 180. Not that I’m mad about it or anything. I still chose to do the 180. And I don’t regret that. It’s just now I’m playing catch up with everything and my usual neuroses are screwing me. I just got to suck it up and keep going. That’s really all there is to it. My psych is really something. When I surrendered all this info to him last time, he seemed very exasperated. Today he tried to assure me that I didn’t “rattle” him last time, but the fact that he brought that up a few times says otherwise. Now he seems to be analyzing me a bit closer. Every sentence possibly hiding a hint that I’m up to some bs. Getting to be a little tired to be honest. But he is the guy prescribing the meds so I’ll keep doing it. Forgot to tell him my tremors seem to be getting more noticeable. Maybe it’s more of a psychological reason than a physiological one. He is under the impression that we can keep doing this weekly thing when I have already explained to him that my parents will not shell out the money for this. The fact that I’m using them like this at my age is honestly a little pathetic. Soon to be 26 and still letting them pay for my shit. Hate it. Can’t really avoid it next semester, but hopefully wherever I end up afterwards lets me finally just stop needing them. In any capacity.
I told my mom that I might be stuck her for the winter. Did not sound happy. Sounded calm, but I know when calm is just anger in disguise. Probably will tell me that it’s my own laziness and lack of discipline that will make me miss Christmas and my Brother’s birthday. Whatever. Not my problem. My problem is getting this damn paper finished.
A song I’ve been listening to on repeat. Been watching Arcane (anyone interested in animation really should. Can’t believe it took me so long to do so.) Like songs with weird chanting backing vocals.