Sinner, just in case you might want to skip this one. Up to you.
Don’t feel like bitching about my robot again. Done it too much already. Rather I would like to talk about my therapy session yesterday. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to talk to him fairly normally. Still hold back a little bit, but for the most part he’s aware of most everything. He texted me passages from a medical book he was reading that reminded him of my situation. It’s a bit of an outdated term than how they use it now, but apparently I have schizoid personality disorder or something similar. Basically everything the excerpt said was pretty accurate.
“They crave closeness yet feel the constant threat of engulfment by others; they seek distance to reassure themselves of their safety and separateness yet may complain of alienation and loneliness.” “A. Robbins (1998) summarizes the dynamic as the message, “”Come close for I am alone, but stay away for I fear intrusion””. “Sexually, some schizoid people are remarkably apathetic, often despite being function and orgasmic. The closer the other, the greater the worry that sex means enmeshment”. “Similarly, some schizoid people crave unattainable sexual objects, while feeling vague indifference toward available ones.” “One of the most striking aspects of people with schizoid personalities is their disregard for conventional social expectations. In dramatic contrast to the narcissistic personality style, the schizoid person may be markedly indifferent to the effect he or she has on others and to evaluative responses coming from those in the outside world. Compliance and conformity go against the grain for schizoid people, whether or not they are in touch with a painful subjective loneliness. Even when they see some expediency in fitting in, they tend to feel awkward and even fraudulent making social chitchat or participating in communal forms, regarding them as essentially contrived and artificial. The schizoid self tries to stand at a safe distance from the rest of humanity.” “Where the psychopath pursues evidence of personal power, or the narcissist seeks admiring feedback to nourish self-regard, the schizoid person wants confirmation of his or her genuine originality, sensitivity, and uniqueness. This confirmation must be internally rather than externally bestowed, and because of their high standards for creative endeavors, schizoid people are often rigorously self-critical. They may take the pursuit of authenticity to such extreme lengths that their isolation and demoralization are virtually guaranteed.”
Everything here is true. Feeling lonely but being afraid of people. My obsession with her for 6+ years even though she held no interest in me what so ever. Other examples that I’m rather embarrassed to mention. Not to get into detail, but I can be rather infatuated with certain small time adult performers to a strange degree. I’ve never really gave a shit what other people think. Social norms never made sense to me. An example I’ve been thinking of a lot that really demonstrates this is during High-School once the bell for lunch rang, I would often lie down on my side in the hallway facing the wall and take a nap. While everyone was moving all over the place to meet friends by the lockers or the cafeteria, they would have to move around me as I lie on the ground. I never found that as strange. I was simply tired and thus took a nap. Looking back on it, it was no wonder that people found me creepy or odd. I often find social gatherings for business purposes so incredibly pointless. I have zero interest in anything my lab mates or other fellows or interns or whatever have to say. If I’m interested in a person, I’ll talk to them. If I’m not, then I won’t These social gatherings are full of uninteresting people. Even then I find I lose interest in people rather fast. I have no issue with saying goodbye and never seeing a person again. In fact, I typically hope I never see them again. It was uncomfortable talking to them when they were around and it’ll be uncomfortable if I ever meet them again. My bizarre rigid belief that I am only useful if I can fulfill my chosen purpose is the main driving force behind my suicidality. “Stripped screws belong in the trash.” Of course I only hold myself to this standard. I don’t expect or want other people to feel the same way. The standards I set for myself are completely arbitrary. Right now, if I don’t get my robot working and tested for the paper due Jan 24, then I would consider myself a stripped screw. Even though I have another opportunity in March. I know this, but I refuse to miss this Jan 24 deadline. Hence why I’ve been going to the lab all day for a week straight trying to get things to work. Even on my own birthday. Even though it meant missing my brother’s birthday. And I will continue to do so even if I miss Christmas. I am very stubborn.
Another uncomfortable topic I talked with him was my sexuality and sexual relationship history. Normally I would refuse to give this info up, but I’m at that point where I’m willing to talk about it to a point. I told him I’ve never been with anyone. Being a 26 year old virgin is really starting to sting. I mentioned but did not go into detail how I seem to have a bit of an addiction to online material. How it often leaves me feeling hollow. Just an act I do to feel a brief moment of dopamine. Resigned disappointment is more closely to what I feel. Just more wasted time. I’ve had this fear for a while, but considering how hard it is to feel emotional attachment to a person, my warped perception of sex I now have after consuming years of online material, and my odd desire to attach myself to unattainable people while not bothering to try meeting people in my own city, I don’t know how I will ever find a partner. This stopped bothering me when I was going ahead with killing myself, but now that I really do plan (for now) to see the rest of my life though I am starting to recognize these complications. I have decided, as much as I detest it, that where ever I end up after my master’s I will get onto a dating app. I just have to force myself. I’ve been putting it off saying it wasn’t the right time and that I was busy, but I can’t do that anymore. I still find them superficial and incapable of facilitating any actual emotional connections, I just have to go for it. Dating has always been about advertising one’s self and I’m going to need to start thinking of my ad campaign. Try to figure out how to attract the “shopper” to pick up the “lemonade bottle” that I am and mindlessly put me in their shopping cart. What a joy online dating must be.