i hate nights now.

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me the way they do. I’m just a broken thing, I always have been. And everyone knows, eventually.

It’s exhausting, always craving what you don’t deserve. Getting a hug. Feeling loved, like you as a person actually matters. Feeling safe. What nerve do I have to even think of such things? It’s my fault to begin with that I’m like this, I don’t get to ask for anything. I shouldn’t want to ask for anything, either. I shouldn’t be like this, so broken, a million little pieces. But I am, brought it on myself. I’m just some worthless parasite that should be long dead. But I guess that’s the thing about parasites, they tend to live for an obnoxious amount of time. I highly doubt many, if any, self destruct. They ought to. I ought to.

I’m a worthless, pathetic, selfish little parasite and I don’t deserve a damn thing.

I just wish I had the words to be able to say how damn sorry I am. For everything, to everything.

Maybe I could put it in a final note/letter, but I doubt even then, I could even get that right.