sinner

i dont think im strong enough to continue living. im so, so weak. and tired. i dont want to hurt anyone… but i can barely take it anymore

I think if I could find one of their pieces, I’d shoot myself with it.

I’m fucking tired of everything. Literally nothing I do is right in anyone’s eyes. I’m constantly walking on eggshells around everybody because they get angry at me.

I can’t even do right by my mom, apparently, even though I have given her a little over 2,000 fucking dollars despite being a unemployed loser ass. Recently I’ve had to help make sure she doesn’t kill herself because her mental health isn’t good. She told me she’s tried to off herself multiple times because she “missed us so much” and other things. And she […]

All I am is a fuck up.

The month that started all this shit in 2018. I wrote that fucking note and got sent away with my sisters. I had the problems for years beforehand, but I guess that was the first “scare” where I was genuinely going to try at some point to end it. On the 21st I moved away, telling her goodbye, never seeing her in person since. It fucked so much up. It made me unreliable to everyone, I wasn’t there so I couldn’t help with anything. This happened all right before my mom’s birthday, too, so I fucked that up as well. I’m not stupid enough at […]

Not really a whole lot to say, not much has changed in my head for awhile now. I’m so tired all the time, but I can’t even sleep and it’s kinda fucking me over. I got to go out of the house today with my mom, shopping and to get some food, and I think it was a good thing for me – at least it got me showered and what not. Plus I got to hang with mom for a bit, which I always enjoy doing. It was very dreary today. I’m trying to eat as little as possible. Not 100% sure why, but […]

I can’t keep doing this. The thoughts repeat over and over and over again and they’re so loud I can’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s all pressing against my skull and I’m going to explode. I can’t. Literally can’t. I really just don’t want to, I have nothing to continue […]

I have the feeling of being stuck, being in the middle of some dark and bleak body of water, knowing if I slip just once I’ll sink to my death. Cold and tired, stranded at sea. I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of hurting. Lately my sleep has been terrible, even with sleep medicine. I just can’t, I guess. Everything is so overwhelming, it keeps me up.

Sometimes I’m not sure I can take myself seriously. As in, maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, on here, in my head. That I’m just being dramatic, b.itching over nothing. I see […]

Today marks yet another year I’ve lived. It feels a bit odd, I still feel like an overgrown child. I wish I could say I’ve changed or improved in some crazy way, but I haven’t. I still feel like all I really do is burden people. They’d probably be better off. I still feel as if I’m at fault for a lot of things. I realize at some point I will make an attempt to end it all. I hear horror stories of the future and it makes me paranoid, I don’t want to live through any of it. An off switch. I’m tired of […]

I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am […]

I wish I didn’t stay up so late. No one to talk to. Everything starts suffocating me. I’ve been so low for months, years, unable to seem to take care of myself hygienically for so long. Especially my teeth. My teeth are starting to crumble and crack. I know I must have multiple cavities. My 2 front teeth are coming out in bits in pieces. It’s pretty embarrassing. I just feel like a failure. An embarrassment. I guess I’m going to the dentist soon. More money wasted on me for appointments. As if eyes weren’t enough. Yay. I never really enjoyed the dentist. Scared, even. […]

So empty. Tired. Weak. All alone. Surrounded by dark muck. Empty, numb, more pain. It goes forever on.

I feel like I should apologize to everyone who’s ever loved or cared about me. I feel like all I did was waste their time. My friend’s, family’s, partner’s.

So I’m sorry.

It’s overwhelming… too many thoughts. Future, past, failure, her silence, this deep loneliness… it’s becoming too much.

I want to make that decision right now.

I could use something here, in this place.

I could make it all go away for good… and that’s all I want…

I want to make my stupid selfish self go away…. my rot that does nothing good for the world… I’m too loud and obnoxious anyway… and just an idiot… I’m consumed with worthlessness.

Too much, it’s all too much… in any case, I know I can be easily replaced for a better individual… I’m not needed. It makes me laugh, sometimes, when she […]

I finally moved a few weeks ago. Took long enough I guess. Glad I’m out. Overheard someone tell my dear father that he needed to “push” me to get out, so I went ahead and got it figured out for the poor man. Now I’m my mom and stepdad’s burden for awhile, I wonder how long it’ll be before they’re sick of me.

Shit still hurts.

I don’t see a point in the world, I don’t see a point in myself, I see nothing to go for. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I mean I care about my family, and my friends, but I’ve grown […]

Thoughts are getting bad again… I cant go a few minutes without some sort of noise, or game going on. I play ac for nearly 6-7 hours a day, as soon as I get off I’m freaking out. Watching movies, wasting data for youtube, music. I need to relax. I need to sleep. But I cant really.

I’m so stupidly weak and pathetic. No wonder I keep hurting. I’m a fucking moron, the weakest one I know. I have no grit, I’m no tough guy. I’m a pathetic idiot who whines on an anonymous site, wasting space. ‘Cause I’m a waste of space. All I ever […]

perhaps i should just give up. just let it all consume me until death inevitably comes. stop trying. cut everybody off. stop making the effort to get out of bed. maybe…maybe that’s the route i should go. easier way, i guess. no matter which way i go, i’ll just feel like an awful burden to everyone. that’s what i am, i think. maybe im crazy, or delusional, or plain stupid. i dont know anymore. i cant imagine these feelings ever going away. and if certain people are just going to be absent for this long in my life then i just dont see the point.

to […]

I’m so sick of everyone assuming I’m a liar about anything and everything. My mom called me a liar today because I paused before answering her. I told her it makes me upset when she does that but she grew agitated and just said “alright, whatever.” like always. It’s always been like this. When I was younger and would tell her I loved her, 50% of the time she told me she didn’t believe me or I “didn’t […]

how do i even live with myself? why am i like this…

everything hurts so bad and all i want to do is die, and all i ever do is make life harder for everyone… im disgusted with myself… i feel like im sinking into mud while being stabbed and crushed over and over and over in my mind… it hurts so much i cant keep doing this anymore… i wake up crying… fall asleep crying… quickly breaking apart and dying inside and nobody sees, no one sees… but they shouldn’t see… if anyone ever does i get so deeply ashamed and everything gets worse… everything […]

A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.

I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.

I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion […]

Stupid little dumb dumb

Pathetic little idiot

Better off dead to the world due to your rot

Worthless rot worthless rot worthless rot you are nothing but worthless rot

The unlovable mistake, the annoying little brat, the failure at life, the moron who would be better off dead. The selfish brat who still acts like a child because you are stupid and worthless. The shit daughter, the bitchy oldest sibling. The vile to look at little worm. Nothing but a disgusting little worm. Nothing nothing nothing.

You don’t deserve your friend. You don’t deserve any of your family’s support. You don’t deserve you partner, who all you’ve ever done is […]