sinner

I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m never there when you need me as I should be, I’m so unhelpful. You deserve better than this, better than me. I’m sorry for being fucking stupid and writing a note of goodbye soley due to my pain. It’s costed years of time apart that I regret every fucking day. I’m sorry for all this time that I’ve not been there physically to hold you and help you feel safe and loved like you deserve to feel. I’m sorry for being such a difficult person to deal with. I overthink everything and it makes you wonder if you’re doing […]

Realizing how much of a nobody I really am… is an interesting feeling. How worthless I really am. How little I truly deserve. The constant search for outside validation knowing I’ve earned nothing… How I have nothing of significance to offer the world, to the people I love dearly, to myself. Just… a nobody.

I think this is part of why I’m so terrified of becoming an adult. I am nothing. I have no goals. I’m not even sure I want to go to school after this. At least… not immediately. Maybe never. I’ll probably end up like most people with a degree that’s truly meaningless […]

I’m not well. I wish all of it would stop. I know I’m weak. It just hurts. Life is shit. I’m just as bad. I’m too weak and pathetic to do anything about it. I’m useless. My life or death is meaningless. All of it is meaningless. I wish I could stop fucking everything up, I wish I could be more helpful when needed. I wish I was worth the love I’m given. I wish I wasnt so worthless. Wishes are meaningless.

I should stop complaining, I’m too much of a coward do anything anyway. Pathetic little coward. It would be better if people didnt have […]

I feel a bit lonely. And tired. And sad. And gross haha. But anyway.

Sometimes I worry that the people that I care deeply for and who care for me are people I’ve made up in my head, and that really scares me. I dont know what I’d do if I found out the few people who loved me were imaginary and nothing I knew of was real. But I think that way a lot. It scares me.

Today was… meh. Nothing great but not the worst. I didnt get up for a long time, maybe that’s part of it. We (meaning my sister and I) cleaned […]

I waited too long to eat my dinner, and I got really weak and tired, fell asleep. Woke up, had a small bite of a chicken nugget and threw up everything I’ve eaten today. I knew I was getting hungry but I waited anyway, I feel like I deserved to feel that way. It hurts. My brain hurts me more though. I didnt eat a whole lot yesterday either. I dont really deserve to. I’m too privileged, too much of a piece of shit to really deserve anything. I still feel really weak. I need to eat more but I genuinely dont think I can. […]

I’m so tired today. And overwhelmed. I just need a break. Maybe I could play sick? Idk. Seeing as I was always forced to go to school and do things anyway, and would get in trouble on top of that, I’m not sure how well it would work. But maybe it’s worth a shot. I cant stand this shit.

I just want to go home. It’s not been a good day so far. I’ve been forcing myself not to cry for half the day, because I’ve been around elementary kids for one of my classes and that would’ve been embarrassing. Not that high school is much […]

I’m not any better. I don’t know what I am anymore, other than exhausted in every way possible. And a pathetic little child. I need to realize I was probably a burden on my parents from what little I can remember, and that I’m no better now, for anyone. I’ve always been a selfish horrible pathetic little brat, havent I? I just couldn’t listen, I just needed to be talked to even though everyone was going through a hard time. All because I felt alone. I don’t know why I dont just end it now. I’m no better now. I keep my mouth shut for […]

I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to bother with these thoughts anymore. Knowing I’m undeserving of any friends or my partners love/affection. Despite what they say I cant help but wonder if they(partner) would be better off without me around. Like everyone else. But I don’t know. My mind won’t let me think otherwise – I really have nothing to combat those thoughts. I’m just a pathetic little failure.

It’s my bio. dads birthday today. I can’t help but wonder how fucking disappointed he is in me. Not that he’s said anything directly, half the time he barely says anything […]

I’m losing hope for myself and this world. Why is it only constant battles? Constant suffering? What is even the point of me continuing to wake up and live through another day?… I’m really tired of hurting. I’m starting to have a very bitter outlook on people and the world, it doesn’t help anything and I’m just as much scum as anything else…

My mom finally told me some things today, about our family on her side. Her bio. mom has ruined everything with mom’s family out of state, and now all they do is fight and guilt trip and play the blame game. They drag […]

no matter the effort, no matter how hard I try…. it’s all the same. this soul crushing pain and loneliness… and just me existing… it doesnt matter. it would make more sense to just end everything now, instead of wasting years chasing something that probably doesnt exist – peace with oneself, hope of some sort, etc. I’m afraid to look back and see all my failed attempts of living this life than to see all the possible attempts to end it… I keep remembering my mom saying how this didnt matter because I’ve really never tried to kill myself. how bad I supposedly made her […]

Parasite, parasite, parasite

Sucks out your life, must hide from light

Spreads its blight, ends one life and torments their minds

Parasite, parasite, parasite from hell

Spreading its plague from where it once fell

Its mind and soul has become its cell

Parasite, parasite, parasite must die

Tie it to a stake to watch it burn and die

A human parasite must hide from light

Stay away, lest it spreads its blight

Lest it takes your life

Before that happens, it must burn and die

Kill it.

Today was bearable. The cold after a few nice warm days kinda put a dent in my mood, but it’s fine I guess. I really need to shower while I’m like this, before it all goes to shit again and I go weeks without doing so. I’m still able to eat, I actually was able to get something I dont usually get for lunch, and I was able to eat everything for the first time in forever (I tend to get really sick after like 5 bites or something idk why) I ate a little dinner but I was still full from lunch.

Turns out I’m […]

I’m doing my best today… I guess today was fine, just very long. My partner is the best thing to ever happen to me, they’re just so perfect and sweet and idk why they care about me but they do… it helps me keep going at the very least. I’m doing my best, I don’t feel great at all, but I’m trying. I’m sure people I talk (used to talk to) to are sick of that phrase, but it’s true. I guess that’s all one can do other than die.

Why am I still here.

Why did I bother waking up today.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying to better myself, and trying to stay on the upside. It’s not been working too well. I have so many thoughts in my head I cant get out. Theres no point in even trying. The world is going to hell, I’m going to lose everyone I love one way or another and we’re all going to go into the oblivion. I don’t think they love me as I love them. Especially the one. I want the thoughts to stop and the bad dreams to stop..

I’ve not been able to eat right […]

never realized how much that word describes me. i’m remembering bits of my childhood that i don’t even know how i forgot. i had no friends. parents would go days without talking to me. i wanted to run away and get away from it all even when i was young. i don’t belong anywhere. i’m just in the way when i’m with people. especially family.

i guess it’s my own fault, like literally everything else at this point. it’s just difficult to even want to keep going when you’re constantly alone or pushed away or never taken seriously. when you feel like a constant burden of […]

I don’t know what to feel. As soon as I woke up I wish I didn’t. I cried a lot yesterday. Probably just due to my overthinking. I’m being stupid. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything right now. I don’t know why I didnt just kill myself yesterday. Or years beforehand for that matter. I don’t want to be here. I’m tired of life. I have to start my day soon, with school and everything. I’m dreading it. I dread having to live, I’m barely surviving.

Everything hurts. It’s a constant ache. I don’t even see the point of seeing the counselor […]

all I do is make everything worse and I deserve to die. I am a vile and horrible creature who’s toxicity ruins everything. my overthinking/overbearing stupid personality is pathetic and needs to be snuffed out. how dare I be alive when I hurt the one I love with my stupidity? they already go through enough. I’m only making it worse, whether they say I do or not. I’m a pathetic coward who isnt willing enough to die so I can stop ruining everything. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am worthless. I cant keep living like this. I need to die, I know […]

I’m exhausted, physically as well as mentally. I’m trying my best though. I’m glad this week is over, even though it’s only been 3 days (for school). I know theres a lot I could be stressing about that needs to be done in that regard, but I’m ignoring it for now as much as I can. Ignore, distract, overthink, panic, numb, the cycle continues. Oh well. I’ve barely been able to eat because I’ve been so overwhelmed and it makes me sick. I don’t need as much food as I eat anyways, I need better self control. I’d probably look a lot prettier that way.

But […]

I’m so tired of it. I just need it to end. I pray to god – any god – to let it end. It doesn’t. It never does. I’m going to sink in these overwhelming and awful feelings and I’ll never get out. I’ve tried so hard. Just let it stop. All around me is suffering. I’m suffering. I’m tired. Everyone’s tired. Why must it be like this? Maybe I’ll get lucky and none of this was real to begin with. I’ll wake up somewhere safe, peaceful. A place where things are okay, and where I’m okay, and the one I love is okay. But […]