I remember a time that I hung myself and woke up on the floor with a dog leash around my neck.
There was a specific point, in trying to end myself, that I knew I could still save myself. Choosing not to pull myself up and release myself took a lot of courage that I haven’t had since.
Since then, I tried putting a handgun to my head but couldn’t find the strength to pull the trigger. It was found in my nightstand while I was away from home, by someone who cares about me. What a joke.
I need to have that courage again one day soon. I would be killing myself right now, if I wasn’t such a coward.
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2 comments
That fear is inate in us. Down to a cellular level. Biological things survive. They don’t know how not to. Every living thing besides humans continue to live without thinking why. They just do things not to die. So not killing yourself doesn’t make you a coward. You’re just doing what everyone else is doing. I hope things get better for you. It’s good that someone who cares about you did something imo.
I agree with J doe; you’re fighting the essential survival instinct, and you got further than I’ve gotten. That survival instinct is strong, and the harder you push, the stronger it pushes back
someone caring is the only tether most of us have. Or that we care about someone.
I wrote a reply earlier but it was in a worse place, it wasn’t the part of myself that is productive to share with anyone really. The only part of it I do want to share is that the handgun part made me think of a song, that the pistol is the devil’s right hand. I was briefly thinking about getting one, and now I don’t think I will.
Handguns just kind of suck for almost everything outside of self harm, do people realize that? Because short range you’d do better to take cover or disarm…. and long range you’d want a rifle.
*sigh* Americans and their love affair with pistols.
I know it’s the same thing with pickup trucks, but I like my pickup truck okay?!