In the lab. Been in the lab these past 3 weeks (I’ve lost track) except for a handful of break days (Christmas and all that). Just staring at the thing. I’ve dissembled and re-assembled at least maybe a half dozen times? I’ve lost count. I count any sort of disassembly of the inner modules and threading cables through the origami as disassembled. I’ve thought about it, but it would have probably saved more time to take it apart piece by piece and slowly and carefully put it back together. It would save me from having to reopen it again and again. I said I was going to get test results by the end of the month. Got 4 days left. Not enough time. Maybe this is what I get for talking big. As if any of my efforts mattered. Just a sad man banging his head against a cement wall, thinking it will do anything. I will say it isn’t as bad as a few months ago. Those weeks went by in a blur, but I remember them being just as hard and awful. This was the stress that I was going to use to kill myself. This go around it is hard, but it’s not as bad. Still scared and still disheartened, but I’m still able to pick myself back up and go. It’s crazy what a friend can do for you. I know I’m going to have to turn it on and try to move it. I have to. There’s no way around it. But I’m just staring at it. Can’t do this forever. Eventually I need to go. I think the disappointment is the hardest. When it fails, I’m afraid of the lead up. But once it fails, I just try to find the problem and keep going. As fast and as hard as I can. Maybe that’s my issue. Going to fast. IDK. Can’t say I have the brains for any of this.
There’s something that’s been really bothering me for the past few months or so. I swear I see things move at the corner of my eye or hear sounds. It’s always just my hair or just some building vent A/C stuff. But it still unnerves me. You always think things are going to be really bad because you haven’t experienced them. I was distressed when I found out I had bipolar. But after finding the right meds and a good psych, it isn’t a problem at all. I say this knowing that people don’t have the luxury of good meds and docs. They really go through it. Anyways, I’m always a little worried that I’ve been misdiagnosed. That it’s something like schizophrenia. But that’s not really possible. My case had a clear and distinct manic episode. Schizophrenics don’t typically have those. They do have psychosis, but that’s something entirely different. So it can’t be schizophrenia. But on the off chance it is, would I feel the same way about it like I did when I thought I was bipolar? Would good meds and docs make me feel secure like they do now, or would I feel more afraid. I still do have some fear of a manic episode. I have talked about how any good mood might alarm me to a certain degree. Thinking in the back of my head that I might need to brace myself. But I’m still me. The prospect of potentially seeing things or hearing things that aren’t there does scary me. But it’s always my hair or something else. Can’t be hallucinations. Things haven’t gotten that bad I think.