It’s been a long time since I’ve been in here but I honestly didn’t know where else to go to get these thoughts out of my head. I’ve been doing better, been in therapy for nearly a year now, been on meds ( I really don’t think they do much but it helps others believe I’m better), we just got a cat last week and honestly that cat is the only thing keeping me going right now. I have a loving boyfriend I’ve had for nearly 6 years who told me he is going to propose within the next year. But tonight my brain just got bad and I fell back into that pit. And I fell hard. The only thing that helped but also made it worse was thinking that if we got in a car crash like my brain was hoping to, that no one would be there to care for him. He’s so fucking sweet. I came home and just hugged him. He’s sitting right next to me making sure I’m okay. Idk what I did to deserve having this little guy walk into my house but right now he’s the only reason I’m clawing my way out of this hole. People never truly understand why I hate Christmas. It’s my favorite and least favorite holiday. Now I just need to calm myself down before my boyfriends gets out of the bathroom so I can pretend everything is okay. Just a couple more days and this holiday is done.
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To start, I hope things improve for you in general.
If you’ve been with someone that long, to the point of talking marriage, are you going to tell him about how you really feel inside? I’d like to think he’d stick around and genuinely try helping you, if the love is strong enough, seeing that that is something that can affect the relationship overall.
“The only thing that helped but also made it worse was thinking that if we got in a car crash like my brain was hoping to, that no one would be there to care for him.” Do you love your bf? You should let him know at least about the conflicting thoughts you have, or talk to a professional about it, if you truly feel you can’t tell him.