I love you. Yet you make me want to throw up. You’re mad at the world, so it makes you mad at me cuz I still have my job. Even the small things you don’t even realize. Yet I sit here feeling numb taking it because I believe i deserve it. I’ve always wanted someone to abuse me. I always wanted it because I thought I deserved it. Now I’m not so sure.
If one mistake I made before we were even a thing was all it fucking took why am I even here. Why did I even try? Why did I let you be the reason I lived? I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance. Before you slithered in and “saved” me.
You took away my one source of pain relief and took away my back up. I can barely come up with ideas around it so you don’t fucking know. I can’t cut because you’ll see it. I can’t drink because then I can’t drive to see you. I sat in the shower trying to boil myself alive and it barely worked. I am falling apart inside and I can’t do anything to distract myself from the internal pain. My only hope is this goddamn lighter but that pain doesn’t leave much of a scar. And the visual reminder helps me too. You left me but here we still fucking are. We talk everyday and we can’t let go. And I need us to let go or work through it because I really can’t do this much longer.
It’s so hard for me to sleep without you. I am exhausted but I just can’t do it. I keep thinking about us. And how we should’ve failed months ago. And I just feel like something is wrong. But I can’t put my finger on it. I just want to know the truth. I can’t sleep without you. You’re my best friend and it’s so hard. I wish I could just read your mind.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t have friends to talk to about this shit cuz of course my friends are friends with my boyfriend but I feel like our relationship is coming to an end and I’m wishing so much it isn’t but I know it is and when it’s finally over I’m gonna fall apart. I honestly just want something to happen to make it end easier but I know it’s not and it’s going to be painful but literally we can’t spend more than half a day with each other without one of us getting annoyed at the other and I don’t think that’s how relationships are suppose to work. And when he gets annoyed with me I feel worthless like why am I even alive. I hate that when I get upset the first fucking thought is that I should kill myself. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. I keep cutting myself and trying to hide it. At least I hurt myself less because of him because I’m terrified he’s going to find out I hurt myself and the last time that happened he broke down but it’s just so easy and helps me feel so much better afterwords. I hate that it makes me feel better. To see the blood and be like “hey I actually bleed, I’m real, this is real” instead of just feeling like an empty shell who used to be a person. Guess we’ll see what happens. Just gotta make it through the holidays. January something will happen. I know it.
Apparently I’m just designating all the blame on myself and I am just regretting all my decisions in my life right now. I can’t do this. I can barely breath. Everything just ends up being my fault and I’m so tired of being here. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m falling down so hard this week. I just keep spiraling. Every day starts out good then something just makes it bad. Running late to work, my hair not turning out, my boyfriend saying no when I wanted to make him cookies. Each one of those stupid silly things has made me crumble and fall so easily. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The smallest things have me falling and breaking. I’ve wanted to cut so bad this week but I just can’t. I want to let the pain out so bad but I know if I do and my boyfriend sees it he just won’t understand. He’s starting to be part of the problem. I’m breaking more and more and I’m trying so hard to keep it to myself cuz I hate putting this on others. But when I reach out, when I tell him what’s wrong he just tells me not to worry, that it’s a stupid problem and it’s not a big deal. But here I am laying in bed, not being able to do anything. I have laundry that’s been sitting wet in the washer for hours. I can’t even finish a show or play a game I like. It’s just too much and I’m stressed and I just want to sink into my bed and stop existing. I just want everything to end. I have no future. I can’t even sign up for college classes. I want to quit my job that I actually enjoy because it’s hard to get out of my bed just to go. I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. I feel completely alone in a house full of people.
I know it won’t last. I know you are too good for me. You don’t understand what is happening in my brain and I don’t even understand it. You brush it off and I’m stuck here, a mess, just trying to make it through. I had to leave work early so I didn’t break down in the middle of my job today. It’s too much sometimes. Just way too fucking much and I need you and you aren’t giving me the response I need to push through it. Why do I love you so much?
This week, the past couple years, have been completely different than this year. Two years ago I made a mistake with a friend. Last year I was so incredibly happy for a weekend with that same friend. This year I think about that friend how much I didn’t realize they were shit and now I’m in a position where I’m really happy. But I can’t stop thinking about that friend and all that happened with them. I’m just not sure if I should be sad or not. I was forced to block and remove that friends contact info from my phone which was probably for the better. But my life is just a mashed up puzzle that I don’t know how to deal with things. And I don’t want to deal with things. I want to lay in bed and never get up. I tried reaching out to a counselor and maybe getting help but they haven’t responded and it’s probably because I’m slowly passing the point of being able to get back up. I act okay for the most part. I come off as fine. No one notices anything still. Yet here I am just constantly wishing I was gone that I could run away that I could sink into the ground and suffocate and not be here anymore that people would stop caring about me because I don’t fucking care about them. I want to be treated like shit because it’s what I deserve. I want to be pushed away and to be left with nothing. I want to die in a car crash every fucking time I get in a car. It’s so hard for me to not imagine slamming my car into a wall or someone else hitting me and killing me. It’s so hard to pretend to be okay but somehow I do it. Somehow I am still fucking here, dead on the inside pretending to be okay. I want to go back to last year. Where I was happy in San Diego. Where I was smiling with my friend. How I didn’t feel sad at all for two whole days straight. I miss him and talking to him even though he was shit at points I need him in my life to remind me that there was good in the bad. Not this whole fucking things where I have something good and I know I don’t deserve it and I know it’s all just gonna be a ruse and it’s going to end and I will not be able to get back up. Cuz if this ends, I won’t be able to pick myself back up. The second this ends I’m down and I won’t survive it at all. There is no possible way for me to live through this and I just don’t know what to do.
I have trouble letting myself be happy. I have everything going good for me right now. So what do I do? I try to ruin everything because I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m allowed to be happy and have good things. I’d rather wallow in pain than be happy
It’s stupid shit too. I get hurt over all the stupid shit. I can’t do this anymore. I want it to be next week already so I can leave you.
My brain turned sour tonight when I got jealous. And it wouldn’t go away. I learned I just don’t like the taste of moscato anymore. I also hide my razors in obvious places to myself even though I forget where I put them. But I broke a bit and used them and I forget how much they help me clear my brain oh my god. And then I was texting the one person in the world who I trust the most and just decided to be honest but vague and they were confused which I didn’t want them to know I cut myself and then the alcohol told me to be honest and now my friend wants to make me throw the razors away but I don’t think I can they help me so much. So so much. My coping methods are honestly shit and I have to give them up soon so can’t i just hold on to them for a little while longer?? I don’t think I’m gonna give my friend all my razors. I’ll give him like two and tell him that’s all of them. That’ll work. They just help me so goddamn much
Never in my life have I’ve fallen in love with someone. And for some goddamn reason it finally happened. Two months from when I’m leaving for a better life. I finally achieved falling in love, I haven’t even told the person, and I’m leaving in 2 months for something that’ll make my life so much completely better than it is now. And I have to give up that love. I can’t do the long distance. I can’t let them hold onto me like that. No one deserves that from me. I’m trash, I don’t deserve to be in love. But I can’t give it up. But I have to I have no other choice. And I’m already in pain from it. I hope he’ll still be my friend when I leave.
It’d honestly be so much easier to just have someone hit me with their car right now. For something in this world to give me an excuse to die. I know I finally am getting myself out of this rabbit hole I keep falling into, but still I’d rather die than deal with this. I’d rather that dark cloud come over my head and leave me numb than deal with this. After 21 years and finally someone actually makes me feel seen and like a real person with feelings and will hold me when’s I cry. And I have to give it up. The world just likes to hurt me.
They don’t understand that everytime I get into a car I wish someone would hit me so it could be an accident. I walk alone to my car in hopes that someone will rob me at gunpoint and actually shoot me. I wish for every scenario that ends in my death. I know I can’t kill myself, I would hurt too many with that. But if it wasn’t my fault, it would hurt them less because an accident is easier for them to understand that it being purposeful.
I dont usually double post, heck, i barely post on here or it comes in spirts. But ive just had a shitty ass day. Like i thought it was going to be okay but it isnt. I have one friend somewhere dying of cancer and i wont even know when he dies because we are just internet friends and i dont have contact with him outside snapchat. Im slowly losing the person who used to be my best friend and today is their birthday and they wouldnt even respond to me telling them happy birthday. My one stupid and toxic constant that is just there and is familiar wont fucking respond to me even though i know theyre shit to be in my life i just sometimes need him to be familiar. The one friend who has been in and out a bit and is being really good right now introduced me to these new online friend group and its been fun, it made my shitty day today so much better until this one guy saw what i looked like and turned into a huge fucking creep and sent me dick picts which i originally thought were part of a joke and then he sent me a couple messages after everyone was offline and now im scared to go back into that group because i dont want him to creep on me again. Another friend betrayed my trust in a stupid way to which my supposed best friend was like “thats not really trust betrayal” but when i send you pictures in fucking confidence and you ask for more while you are out in public with other people and still fucking view them that betrays my trust. I dont care if you are like “oh but no one else saw them” i dont onow that for sure, i thought you were home alone, i dont want anyone to even accidentally see those if they were not intended to. Last week when it was the night before j had to move back with my parents i had a breakdown, and it was more of a physical one than a mental one bevause i just started crying but my brain didnt have its normal numbing sad feeling like it does now and i tried to express my concerns to my old best friend and he just fucking blew me off, my current best friend just said something rude bevause i was sad about my dying friend and that hasnt made me want to tell her anything about my feeling since and she never apologized. And that same night during my breakdown, im always very good about not breakkng down in front of other people but i went to my fwb house bevause i needed to be fucking distracted and i fucking broke down in front of him and i never realized how nice it fucking is to have someone hold you while youre crying. But right now, that friend is going out of town for a few days so i dont even have him making sure im okay and being my escape from my parents house. Im tempted to fucking just leave right now and drive somewhere far away from all my problems and start new. Just take all myshit right now throw it in my car and at least get the fuck away for a few days but the only person who i can think of would take me in for a few days is the one who betrayed part of my trust and i just cant do that right now and i dont think i can even leave my bed right now my chest is so broken and i just cant stop crying and moving home was the worst idea and ive been here a week and i cant tell if its just me siking myself out about relapsing which is why i am relapsing or if its actually the fact that this fucking house has a curse on me to constantly make me depressed. I came home from work wanting tk cut myself, stopped myself by talking to a friend and putting myself into a better mood and now im back to square one with all the shit that has happened. Sorry for double postinf and then just not being able to spell at all but im just so broken right now i dont know what to do. I dont know who the fuck i can even trust in my life right now.
Finally had one of the people who had my full trust betrayed part of that trust. Like im really fucking pissed off right now. You do not have the fucking right to be so fucking naive about me to be that much of an idiot when i trust you with certain shit. And then when i tell you what you did wrong because you didnt even know what you did wrong you dont respond you dont own up you dont fucking apologize. Im so mad. Why the fuck would you do that to me
I was perfectly fine. I was doing okay. And. Then i just. I had to move back with my parents. And ive been here, one day. And here i am. I had a breakdown before i came back. And now im having another one because. I cant be here. This place, just fucks me up. It fucks me up so badly. And so quickly. I cant do this . This place is just so bad for me. But im stuck. For at least a few months. Theres no way for me not to be here anymore. I fucking stuck here and im just. Its going to get so bad. Why why why why why why whyw y why whyw why why why why why why why why i cant do this i cant
It’s so easy to doubt yourself when you’ve been ina good place for a while. It’s so easy to have the simplest thing change something and to take it as “you’re doing a shitty job” and just fall back down. My manager switched around my shifts at work and for some reason it’s making regret literally everything I’ve ever said at work and make me think that I’m doing an incredibly shitty job at work and I don’t deserve to work there. Like I just want everything to stay the same. If I initiate change I can handle it. But the smallest change initiated by someone else that is not explained fucks me up so bad.
You were there, in my life, and it hurt with you there, but then it didn’t, and I was happy. but then you dropped out of my life. and it was okay, it was for the best. And I was fine. Perfectly fine with you not being here. But I see things and people. Things and people who look like you, remind me of you. How you felt, how you tasted, how you made me feel. And I get sad. My heart is still hurting because of you. But I never realized it hurt until now. Why were you here. Why were you in my life. It only brought me pain. Why did I ever meet you. You changed my world so much. You were my first for a lot. We barely talked, I didn’t know you, but you had a huge effect on how my life turned out to be now. And here I am. Crying over the fact that I haven’t seen you in 2 months. That I won’t see you again. It’s not likely we will run into each other. I fucked everything up. I could’ve had you right now. But I made multiple mistakes. I was such and idiot. I’m young and stupid and didn’t know what to say. So I pushed, pushed too far. And after I pushed I tried to pull you back. And it worked. For a little bit. And then you realized I couldn’t make up my mind. So you left. You left without telling me. Stopped responding, refused to acknowledge me. And god do I miss you. You weren’t mine and I was just stupid, I still am. I shouldn’t miss you. You were bad for me. Everyone told me so. But god do I miss you. I just want you back. But it won’t work. I just need to forget. I hate you and all you did. I hate you so much it hurts and only you can make me better.
In 2017 I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life that I’ll probably never forget. And I’m just sitting here like, I could ruin a persons happiness so easily right now. I helped my friend cheat on his girlfriend of 2 years at the time, now almost 3 years. And I was on Facebook and I saw a picture of them together, happy. And the first thing that came into my head when I saw that was “I could ruin this relationship. I could make that girl in the picture hate my guts and probably cause them issues that may make them break up” but I won’t do that. None of it was her fault, she doesn’t deserve the hurt that me and my ex friend could cause her if we told her. It never meant to happen, but it just did. One day this lie I’m living will break me. One day I’ll probably have the courage to tell her, but she doesn’t need that pain. Not while their happy. I’ll let them be happy.