I tried to pretend to be fine in my last post but I really just think I’m at the edge of the cliff. I’m trying therapy, but honestly I can’t think about anything besides killing myself. I’m giving it till the new year. I’ll give it till then, see if anything helps. But my boyfriend is at the end of his rope with my mental problems even if I put up with his anger shit. I’ll let everyone have one good last Christmas then I’m out. I sincerely have no goals, no motivation, I cannot do this anymore. I can’t pretend to be okay anymore. I can’t pretend to be happy anymore. I can’t pretend that every time I get in my damn car that I don’t want to drive it straight into the wall. I’ll try to see if therapy can do anything, if I change my mind but I sincerely just can’t handle my brain anymore. It’s trying to kill me and it’s succeeding.
Do you ever just try to repeatedly tell yourself that you’re fine when you’re not? When you’re hurt by something that isn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be a big deal and you’re just telling yourself you’re fine because being upset over it isn’t really a valid thing? That’s where I am. Trying not to cry at work while telling myself I’m fine over and over again.
I hate that I can be out somewhere having fun, having a nice time, and trying to get drunk to forget my problems and always in the front of my mind I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t even feel tipsy even though I’ve drunken so much. We went to a golfing place and we were on the third floor and I just kept thinking if it would kill me jumping of the ledge from that third floor. I was surrounded by old coworkers and my boyfriend and still in my mind I thought I would be better off if I just sprinted off that ledge. I don’t know how much longer I’ll survive. I think I need like something covering my wrists to help me not thing about any of that. Out of sight and out of mind right? I’m suppose to start some therapy tomorrow so maybe that’ll help? Fuck idk I really don’t know how long I can last. I’ve lasted almost 10 years with this bullshit mental illness at least.
The other day, my boyfriend was being really nice to me after I had a bad mental day and I said thank you. And he responded with saying that I deserved to be treated that way. Ive never had anyone say that before and it made me happy because I’ve never really thought that I deserved to have people be nice to me. I just thought I’d post a happy thought on here because all I post is the bad stuff and looking back on a lot of my old posts, I want something happy in there.
Everyone reading this post too deserves to be treated nicely. I know it’s hard to think that. But you don’t have to. Because I’m telling you that you deserve it whether you believe it or not.
One day I’ll have the strength to get out
On Friday I reported a coworker who was borderline harassing me and making me feel uncomfortable. And I keep going back and forth on if I should’ve reported them or not. And honestly it’s making me more and more anxious and depressed because now I wish I just didn’t exist so this problem wouldn’t exist and I know the easiest way out of this, but I can’t take that exit because itd make others very sad. And I’m just at the point where it takes very little to have me have those thoughts. It’s not even just wanting to cut myself to calm down it’s just instantly wanting to kill myself and end it all. Any situation anything that makes me slightly question myself just makes me fall into my hole unable to get myself out of anything and losing all hope and motivation I have. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this
Honestly, is there a point to living. I feel like there is no overall goal and we are just living in hell and I just want to get out and stop at this point.
I laid here for an hour wishing you would notice. I was over here digging my nails into my arm. When I grabbed your hand you just asked me “why?” There is no why behind it. It just happens. I can’t stop it. It just goes. You try to make me feel better. But I know you don’t care. You gave yourself to me to make me feel better but then left immediately once it was done. Now I’m just laying here trying not to cry. I feel so alone. The one person I trust, I can’t even open up to you. It’s nearly impossible for me to try. Because every time I explain, you don’t understand, you are confused, and don’t even try to hide it. You just look at me like I’m some sort of pariah in your life who just gets sad for no reason and doesn’t know how to be happy for a while. I try. I really do. I just need you to hold my hand for me. That’s all I need.
I love you. Yet you make me want to throw up. You’re mad at the world, so it makes you mad at me cuz I still have my job. Even the small things you don’t even realize. Yet I sit here feeling numb taking it because I believe i deserve it. I’ve always wanted someone to abuse me. I always wanted it because I thought I deserved it. Now I’m not so sure.
If one mistake I made before we were even a thing was all it fucking took why am I even here. Why did I even try? Why did I let you be the reason I lived? I should’ve killed myself when I had the chance. Before you slithered in and “saved” me.
You took away my one source of pain relief and took away my back up. I can barely come up with ideas around it so you don’t fucking know. I can’t cut because you’ll see it. I can’t drink because then I can’t drive to see you. I sat in the shower trying to boil myself alive and it barely worked. I am falling apart inside and I can’t do anything to distract myself from the internal pain. My only hope is this goddamn lighter but that pain doesn’t leave much of a scar. And the visual reminder helps me too. You left me but here we still fucking are. We talk everyday and we can’t let go. And I need us to let go or work through it because I really can’t do this much longer.
It’s so hard for me to sleep without you. I am exhausted but I just can’t do it. I keep thinking about us. And how we should’ve failed months ago. And I just feel like something is wrong. But I can’t put my finger on it. I just want to know the truth. I can’t sleep without you. You’re my best friend and it’s so hard. I wish I could just read your mind.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t have friends to talk to about this shit cuz of course my friends are friends with my boyfriend but I feel like our relationship is coming to an end and I’m wishing so much it isn’t but I know it is and when it’s finally over I’m gonna fall apart. I honestly just want something to happen to make it end easier but I know it’s not and it’s going to be painful but literally we can’t spend more than half a day with each other without one of us getting annoyed at the other and I don’t think that’s how relationships are suppose to work. And when he gets annoyed with me I feel worthless like why am I even alive. I hate that when I get upset the first fucking thought is that I should kill myself. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. I keep cutting myself and trying to hide it. At least I hurt myself less because of him because I’m terrified he’s going to find out I hurt myself and the last time that happened he broke down but it’s just so easy and helps me feel so much better afterwords. I hate that it makes me feel better. To see the blood and be like “hey I actually bleed, I’m real, this is real” instead of just feeling like an empty shell who used to be a person. Guess we’ll see what happens. Just gotta make it through the holidays. January something will happen. I know it.
Apparently I’m just designating all the blame on myself and I am just regretting all my decisions in my life right now. I can’t do this. I can barely breath. Everything just ends up being my fault and I’m so tired of being here. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m falling down so hard this week. I just keep spiraling. Every day starts out good then something just makes it bad. Running late to work, my hair not turning out, my boyfriend saying no when I wanted to make him cookies. Each one of those stupid silly things has made me crumble and fall so easily. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The smallest things have me falling and breaking. I’ve wanted to cut so bad this week but I just can’t. I want to let the pain out so bad but I know if I do and my boyfriend sees it he just won’t understand. He’s starting to be part of the problem. I’m breaking more and more and I’m trying so hard to keep it to myself cuz I hate putting this on others. But when I reach out, when I tell him what’s wrong he just tells me not to worry, that it’s a stupid problem and it’s not a big deal. But here I am laying in bed, not being able to do anything. I have laundry that’s been sitting wet in the washer for hours. I can’t even finish a show or play a game I like. It’s just too much and I’m stressed and I just want to sink into my bed and stop existing. I just want everything to end. I have no future. I can’t even sign up for college classes. I want to quit my job that I actually enjoy because it’s hard to get out of my bed just to go. I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. I feel completely alone in a house full of people.
I know it won’t last. I know you are too good for me. You don’t understand what is happening in my brain and I don’t even understand it. You brush it off and I’m stuck here, a mess, just trying to make it through. I had to leave work early so I didn’t break down in the middle of my job today. It’s too much sometimes. Just way too fucking much and I need you and you aren’t giving me the response I need to push through it. Why do I love you so much?
This week, the past couple years, have been completely different than this year. Two years ago I made a mistake with a friend. Last year I was so incredibly happy for a weekend with that same friend. This year I think about that friend how much I didn’t realize they were shit and now I’m in a position where I’m really happy. But I can’t stop thinking about that friend and all that happened with them. I’m just not sure if I should be sad or not. I was forced to block and remove that friends contact info from my phone which was probably for the better. But my life is just a mashed up puzzle that I don’t know how to deal with things. And I don’t want to deal with things. I want to lay in bed and never get up. I tried reaching out to a counselor and maybe getting help but they haven’t responded and it’s probably because I’m slowly passing the point of being able to get back up. I act okay for the most part. I come off as fine. No one notices anything still. Yet here I am just constantly wishing I was gone that I could run away that I could sink into the ground and suffocate and not be here anymore that people would stop caring about me because I don’t fucking care about them. I want to be treated like shit because it’s what I deserve. I want to be pushed away and to be left with nothing. I want to die in a car crash every fucking time I get in a car. It’s so hard for me to not imagine slamming my car into a wall or someone else hitting me and killing me. It’s so hard to pretend to be okay but somehow I do it. Somehow I am still fucking here, dead on the inside pretending to be okay. I want to go back to last year. Where I was happy in San Diego. Where I was smiling with my friend. How I didn’t feel sad at all for two whole days straight. I miss him and talking to him even though he was shit at points I need him in my life to remind me that there was good in the bad. Not this whole fucking things where I have something good and I know I don’t deserve it and I know it’s all just gonna be a ruse and it’s going to end and I will not be able to get back up. Cuz if this ends, I won’t be able to pick myself back up. The second this ends I’m down and I won’t survive it at all. There is no possible way for me to live through this and I just don’t know what to do.
I have trouble letting myself be happy. I have everything going good for me right now. So what do I do? I try to ruin everything because I can’t bring myself to believe that I’m allowed to be happy and have good things. I’d rather wallow in pain than be happy
It’s stupid shit too. I get hurt over all the stupid shit. I can’t do this anymore. I want it to be next week already so I can leave you.
My brain turned sour tonight when I got jealous. And it wouldn’t go away. I learned I just don’t like the taste of moscato anymore. I also hide my razors in obvious places to myself even though I forget where I put them. But I broke a bit and used them and I forget how much they help me clear my brain oh my god. And then I was texting the one person in the world who I trust the most and just decided to be honest but vague and they were confused which I didn’t want them to know I cut myself and then the alcohol told me to be honest and now my friend wants to make me throw the razors away but I don’t think I can they help me so much. So so much. My coping methods are honestly shit and I have to give them up soon so can’t i just hold on to them for a little while longer?? I don’t think I’m gonna give my friend all my razors. I’ll give him like two and tell him that’s all of them. That’ll work. They just help me so goddamn much