I gave myself 25 years. Turning 26 on the 18th. That was one of the bigger motivators when I was actually going to go through with it. That, flunking, failing my internship and just general mental and physical stress were the perfect combo. Don’t ever think things will line up that well again. I’m sure that’s not true. Suffering is a cycle. Then something came up and I had to pivot. Probably going to be sticking around MA for the winter. That really blows. I’ve talked to my parents more recently. I assured them I’m not just avoiding my family. They seemed to recognize my better mood and seem more willing to call. Guess they were just leaving me alone. They might come up for a few days. They might not. 3 round trip tickets is expensive as a mother fucker. Plus my brother is having allergies again. Somehow. He had it real bad as a kid. Hives all over him. Hurt to move. Fragrances, animal dander, and pollen I think were the major triggers. Since he started high school that hasn’t really been an issue. Sucks a lot. So I might be on my own this Christmas. Looks like I’m a true blue adult now.
Campus seems vacant. Seems like most people took off early and are attending meetings through zoom. Good for them. Before school lets out, I have to present my progress to the lab. Of course. Hopefully most people will skip cause of the break coming up. Fingers crossed. Will still have to show my lackluster progress to my advisor. He seemed worried the last time I saw him. Can’t say I blame him.
Going to be by myself. Hope I’m able to get testing done. Or else this would be really pointless. Experience says this will be pointless. But got to try all the same. I’m not actually feeling all that bad. I like being alone anyways. Get to be as loud and weird as I want in the lab. It’s fun. Plus my general mood has been pretty good. I guess having someone to talk to regularly does that. I really didn’t think I’d live to 26. Been saying the same thing since I was like 17. Now I am and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Don’t know if that’s good or bad yet.
Song from a band I love. Kind of appropriate for the post.
2 comments
Twenty five brings back a lot of memories. Almost 12 years ago now for me. Gosh I was still a young buck, the mental hospital I made all my best memories at was just getting ready to close. I was a nurse tech there. The building still stands abandoned.
I’m turning 37 in a few months. Suffering has cycles. Honestly I’m paid up, maybe you are too. There’s a sense once you’ve paid your suffering, there’s no need for any more. The scars, the pain will be carried of course, but nothing need be added. Prematurely old, prematurely tired.
Last time I took mine and wandered around outside for a year, then had a nervious breakdown, then I finished my degree…. then WHAM covid. and I’ve been kind of dazed since. but I’m paid up again. It feels nice to be paid up, at Christmas.
I found out this story about Johnny Cash and a song, The Chicken in Black. Johnny Cash’s carreer wasn’t going well in 1984. He was losing popularity, Columbia Records didn’t want to promote him. Meanwhile he felt like he still had stuff to do. So he wrote a song he felt was intentionally bad, expressing how he felt replaceable, called Chicken in Black. It’s the silliest song he ever wrote about switching brains with a bank robber and a chicken.
Sure enough it did get Columbia to drop him. He thought his career was over. He had been successful enough at this point, he was ready to be done. But someone found him and gave him another shot, and he performed again, that dumb song saved his career.
I don’t know, I think you and I are more like Johnny Cash at this point than we admit. We’ve shown ourselves to be useless to those who wanted us previously. However, maybe there is someone around the corner who still wants us, maybe not.
I’ve applied for a few jobs trimming trees of all things, but I think that might do it. The city I live in gave me an interview to do that, I don’t know if anything will come of it. It really doesn’t matter, as I said I’m paid up. I’d like to find use again, wander about again and have utility to others.
Yeah suffering is a cycle. I guess I still think I got some in me considering my pivot. Who knows when I’ll say it’s enough.
I’ll check out that song. Loved Johnny Cash as a kid. Listened to him in the car with my mom. My favorite was always Folsom Prison Blues. I think I might identify with that song more than ever now. Listened to him for a little bit a while ago. I’ll take that Johnny Cash comparison as a compliment. Guy was pretty cool.