Trying To Think

I’m looking at this first section and I’d say it depends on what the waste of time consists of. Was that entirely spent trying (not that it should have obviously)? And if not, then you already have a bunch of time unrelated to what’s actually important which is sleeping, so that then takes into consideration how much time the breaks gave you, and however it went about, I’m guessing the main part of discontent is that you didn’t go either all in or all out. Either using the break as a break of whatever kind or the opposite of that, Makes sense since the inbetween point (even if you lean heavily towards the latter) can make you feel even more stuck than doing completely unrelated things for a week straight. Not that unrelated things should be done, but that the “stuckness” is a part of the process for example, not really if you are doing everything how it should be but for whatever reason we work our way up to actually working. Even if it takes years just to be able to stick with something that needs a specific amount of time to be finished and leaving at least a minimal amount until it is, in which, thinking about it such a thing sounds especially basic which concerns me, but then other basics such as actually getting what one is eating right nutritionally and getting a decent amount of physical activity each day are also worked up to in the same fashion, after having arguably decades of being able to get to them.

That being said I assume at that case it’s that some things which are, obviously, conceptually simple, don’t stick on their own for one reason or another. Still making it an intentional effort and all, even though it’s a net positive, and obviously our brains are supposed to want what’s beneficial for us or at least survival, but the basics are still not basic. And yeah, in your case there may be reasons, you may potentially have a bunch more to think about and inspect besides just the work that may be holding you up from getting to it in the first place, even if there’s obviously at least some intention that’s been shown to get it done for all of these months. The biggest part is that you haven’t forgotten about it, a sign of the good kind, but (in a literal sense) it’s hard to say how long you’ll actually take to get to it, consistently that is. There may or may not be some things that need to happen before then. Maybe it just needs to be the work itself, but it’s certainly not guaranteed to be that simple.

Just take into consideration that, physically, yeah, from the outside looking in people can basically do the right things day after day, clocking in and out and only needing 8 hours of sleep at most, part of the right things including fighting for the right to get that proper sleep in the first place (unfortunately we do adapt to our environments), and besides that always only thinking on what’s next. And then doing what’s next, you get the point. It can all hypothetically be made really simple, and if you have arms with hands and legs with feet (even without them really), it’s just possible from the get go. Physically at least, the right things can move at the right places at the right times at the right schedule. And that wouldn’t be considered too abnormal, since our world also has those kinds of situations outside of ourselves, at whatever scale that may be. It’s of course that, with the addition of the mind, comes the addition of the “why?”, since all of a sudden whatever process is being done or engaged in must have *some reason* to occur besides mere chance, primarily because, at that point, the process is a choice.

And obviously, while it’s nice to be able to choose the process and all, a lot of the time you’d realistically feel better off without it. It’s also good to say though that due to said intention you probably have more of a chance at doing said things than just pure chance. It’s just that it’s still a chance in this case.

Your honesty with the second part is, well, quite understandable, certainly. Yes, at the end of the day, I mean, many people seem to be drawn to other people, attending events and institutions at least in part for the sake of meeting others but I just, really, don’t get the point when you are specifically trying to solve your concerns above all else and, in your case, a bunch of the people outside you are a hindrance to that end. And that’s kind of the same for everybody is what I would assume, but many people somehow don’t seem to admit they need the time to themselves to think and actually get their things in order instead of going out with “pals” who can only really be of help when things are in smooth sailing from the get go? At least that was it for me, and after that I just started detaching from everyone I regularly talked to at the time, both out of necessity and realizing that said communication should have been on more of a “need to know” basis than anything given my circumstances. Little did I know that fixing things up (specifically within your life, in my case since I go backwards a lot) isn’t short, and that was kind of the last time I talked to them.

I mean really, those who prefer the labmates primarily for the social aspect for example, I’m not sure that they realize that people could help them outside of just talking directly to them, because obviously, you don’t need to necessarily be “inside” of a society in order to help said society. All those papers that are written that make up the existing body of work for the field beforehand don’t need one on one explanations to help anyone, they just do, and I’m assuming based from what I think now, that’s certainly the best you can do to help anyone. Actually walk a path or two and relay the results at large, then let those who are interested follow. Arguably then, whoever you meet is more tolerable, but in your case it’s still a mix of generalization with who you meet, alongside of course the frequency.

I can’t exactly put it into words but yeah, you certainly need a bunch more time by yourself given what you’re saying here since it seems like you aren’t afforded it enough, to the point in which people who are usually inconsequential (in terms of how they affect you) start to matter when they are still that same level of inconsequential, but it’s the frequency that kind of gets you ramped up, in the undesirable way of course. Even if they aren’t excited about it too, it’s probably not how the parties in the situation feel about it in the first place but that there’s “other company” to begin with. Yeah, they can understand and give you the space you need, but from the start, it’s having to deal with things outside of you from the get go which you feel only kind of slow down what you have in mind. And of course, since the thoughts of other people “have consequences” to whatever extent, I mean, I’d assume you’d fear those consequences and not the people themselves, or even what they think really since that obviously depends on the person thinking. But obviously, for bad stuff on the other hand, it spreads around like wildfire since for some god damn reason as the world would have it, people are into those sorts of things and more of them draw to the flame that doesn’t even give them warmth all things considered. So they head to the next thing that looks like one…

Kind of the worst part about all of it is that despite the part about “being important” (1: in which, yes, invisibility is a blessing pretty much if you have it, not that it’s necessarily supposed to change feelings about it, that depends on the person despite what it provides) (2: in that, even if you were important, there would still be many people who do not know anything about that or have no correlation to it and therefore do not seek to benefit from it, so why do they care?), well, the world’s especially lopsided in that regard. Many instances of attention give to (arguably) the wrong people, and they are either put up or down the ladder. Some are just, well, tortured by others, one way or another (one more reason to not have company), and obviously relationship dynamics can always vary over time so even then not much is stable at any level. Regardless all of these things stem from a preoccupation of what the attentive party *thinks* the other person is, so it’s especially random but you’d get in some cases others bothering you regardless. Unfortunately. Not that your labmates do that too much from what I’ve heard you say, it seems like you are all very surface level, but usually when you have someone giving you specifically a hard time for no clear reason (because there is none as I’ve mentioned), it leaves you especially disgruntled due to the ambiguity and not the problems at that point. Thankfully there’s no problems of that sort.

Lastly, if it’s anything of note (this may only sour things up if anything), it is a similar case with me in that I’ve needed to apply for pretty much a fast food or retail role to keep myself afloat in case of any bad stuff, but ever since November which was when I needed to get that going it has barely been done. I’ve only gotten more unrealistic in fact applying for roles that require much more well thought out resumes, interviews, longer stays job wise and effort in general, when in reality I need to work like half a year at most to save up and then get out from quite the (intentionally or not) insecure and disheveled situation that has only gotten worse arguably, and yet despite the rising set of risks my head and choices in this case obviously do not respond to that. I unfortunately have been acting the same despite impending doom, alike yourself. The solution to that, somehow, for some reason, does not seem to be knowing of the impending doom. Even though in my case the (worst case scenario) doom is starting work while homeless with no savings, since for you it’s been many “I either get through this deadline or things are arguably beyond repair” and yet many have passed you by despite knowing. It’s something else that causes the change you’d potentially be looking for, but I don’t know, I still have stuff to figure out myself there.