Unsure of where I’m going

I have an overall plan.

Things overall are better, probably doing the best I’ve ever done monetarily, which helps, but I have a ways to go.

I tried to stop playing video games, that did not last. However, I’m finding I’m not enjoying them like I used to. I react to them and certain other things, but at some point I just feel a bit indifferent, like I’m playing some of them out of obligation.

I don’t care for wrestling either, one of the things I enjoyed since I was a child. Haven’t watched any of it in over a year now. I keep up with storylines here and there, and it sounds like it’s in a good place rn, but I don’t find myself watching it.

Music is just, there. I only really listen to a playlist at the gym or the occasional anime OSTs but not into it like I used to be.

I’ve stopped writing. Any old heads here may remember the stories I used to write and post here. Been a long time since I’ve looked at them. I still remember some of them fondly. But I lack the passion for that as well.

The only things I guess I’m still into is technology and computers. I’m trying to make a career out of it, so I use/see it every day. I’m finding myself not really tinkering with my stuff like before either.

My friend (who used to frequent here) told me that I may be getting depressed. Not like I’d know. I’m no doctor.

I’ve had a hard time letting my emotions out, snapping at people sometimes. Mostly family.

I used to write and do music and stuff to let it out in healthy ways.

I think the only way I let it out now is through here.

I keep very much to myself. I don’t share these feelings with many people. I post here, to the anonymity of the internet.

I am angry, but also a bit sullen. I know where I’m headed, but lack the proper steps.

We can have general ideas of how life should go and the steps we need to take to do things (lose weight for example).

Everyone is different though. We all have to find our own ways to progress and figure ourselves out.

How can we conform but at the same time be about uniqueness?

There are so many paths, so many different ways to get to the same thing.

I’m starting to wonder if I really will need to just do the off jobs that noone wants to do to move myself further along.

How can I deal with the debts I’ve accumulated? How do I properly maintain the relationships/friendship I have?

How do I be a good role model for the younger ones coming up behind me?

I don’t know how I can do these things, when my mentality is so messed up?

For so long, I’ve internally struggled. I don’t expect quick fixes, but I feel like nothing I do is getting me anywhere.

I don’t feel like I’ve grown all that much in the grand scheme of things.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone, but what kind of life is that?

I believe in the theory of multiverses.

There’s a world out there where I didn’t make it out of the hospital. I’m curious about what that world is like.

There’s a world where I’d figured it out like I’d wanted at 17-18 and got where I feel I should be now. I want to see that version of myself.

There’s a world I never found this place. I wonder how different I’d be.

There’s a world where I became an author, or an engineer, or did music instead. I’d like to see all of those worlds.

Would I recognize myself? Would my other selves look at me in disgust? I don’t know.

I think my point with this is that we as human beings all have insane cognitive ability, compared to other animals.

We are very much self reflective, and capable of insane feats of engineering, technological advancement, and willpower.

And yet, sites like this exist because of how fucked up things have gotten as a whole, and knowing how fucked up life can be and is, well that just makes me sad.

I find myself having these existential thoughts more and more frequently as of late. I don’t really know how to interpret a lot of it, but I’m thinking it’s why I’ve been so stagnant in life.

The year is almost over, maybe I’ll have my eureka moment soon.