The last time I was in the lab was Sunday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I have already accepted the fact that I will miss the January deadline. Even if this didn’t happen, it wouldn’t have really mattered. In retrospect, this was probably good. I hadn’t had a long break this winter, so this was probably for the best. Unfortunately all I did was watch YouTube and worry about the stupid robot. So even as a break it sucked. I did get to sleep late though. That was nice. I tried to do some writing but maybe wrote 2 paragraphs this entire time. My depression is making me avoid it, I can’t concentrate at all at home, and my low confidence is getting in the way. Every time I start to write all I think about is how I’m going to get the same exact reaction from my advisor and other labmates that I always do. The reaction that makes me feel like the dumbest person in the room. Every single time I’ve ever opened my mouth around those people, I end up feeling like shit. So all I can think of is how stupid it comes across. Maybe that’s just an excuse and I’m too lazy to just sit down and do it. IDK. Last semester I wasn’t sure how it was going to end. This semester I can already tell is going to end awful. Even though it’s an extra semester.
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Harsh, and also particularly dreadful when that’s right around the corner in a day or so. The pain is, well, ouch. I mean, I’m hoping at the very least that your home environment in terms of getting anything done is good enough (I know that there’s all sorts of things whether or not you have certain kinds of neighbors) and that if for whatever reason it isn’t, you see to it, primarily because it’s worse to not have the ability to work at all. Of course, at the same time I admit it’s not that simple, obviously isn’t, I only mentioned one thing…
Life seems to be a heck ton about accounting for things you “didn’t expect” and expecting them ahead of time, regardless of whatever they may be. Emergency funds being, well, not just in case but “bound to be used” sort of, almost like there will always be something one way or another. Not that one comes to expect it, but that it’s a tangibly real expense, that’s always present instead of somehow leaving. As inevitable as groceries, no doubt… I’m still someone who nearly always opts for not having insurance (insane) but yeah, I feel like your situation is also full of those “unexpected” moments when you try to get back on your feet in the slightest, so there’s that.