I guess I still am.
I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought it was okay and maybe it is but I just feel so alone because of my rebellious ways.
I was supposed to play by the rules. I saw others play by the rules and they were rewarded for it.
But I never felt eligible for the game. I don’t think people truly know until they know. It’s like watching an episode of ‘60 Days In’ versus actually doing time in jail. You don’t really know until you know.
Its weird when some young people think I’ve somehow been through less or that I’ve had a sheltered life because of my shy and reserved personality.
Truth is that I’ve been through homelessness, alcoholism, jail, etc.
Yet here I am again, back in the suburbs, working a job like none of that ever happened.
I ride an electric scooter everywhere and I know I’m being judged harshly for it. I know I’m being judged harshly because of where I work. I know I’m being judged harshly for not being as strong as other men.
something about playing the game the right way has always felt Ooga Booga to me. Like if I did play, I’d just feel like a selfish idiot. Like is that all life is? I know it feels good when you’re “winning” but sometimes the human ego makes me feel disgusting, like I want to part ways with it.
And it’s funny how society will say that a good job, a cool looking car, fancy clothes, an attractive partner doesn’t matter, yet that’s exactly what I see that matters from down here. It’s like: “so it doesn’t matter huh? Then why is everyone trying so hard to show off like they’re more important than anyone else.
It seems like life is a paradox, either that or people are just lying to themselves.
Sometimes my dad will give me a ride to work. I find it ridiculous how easily he’s controlled by the matrix. The way he starts losing his cool when he has to wait an extra second or 2 or when there’s traffic. Is that what I’m supposed to subscribe to?
A dude flexing his muscles at work to prove to others how much stronger he is in comparison to them? Is that what I’m supposed to subscribe to? Is that playing the game?
Do people not realize that we are just flesh and blood or is it: “That’s precisely why we’re so awesome, because we’re flesh and blood and we dare to scale Mount Everest” – some bloomer
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Driving in general isn’t such a great thing. I don’t know anything, especially how someone with my work ethic spends as much time as I do unemployed. Oklahoma economy is the only answer I have. Then when I try to get out, people act like I’m crazy.
It’s nuts to me how hard I’ve been trying to get to work, and how hard it feels like certain groups have been working to keep me from getting there. I’m talking about AI especially. Several careers have been automated right out from under me.
I’ve tried to keep a clean nose, do my work well and not get in trouble, but there is no loyalty from an employer for that anymore. You pay your dues, then they lay you off anyway. You trust someone and they undercut you, because you shouldn’t have trusted them.
Ah I should have gone to sea like my grandpap, because this kind of treachery is common on the seas. Plus I could have become a Rear Admiral, which is really just a second admiral but Rear Admiral sounds way cooler.