Do you ever think about where you were a year ago and wonder, “Did I have any idea it was going to be this bad?”. Or 5 years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago. The thing about it is, back then you probably thought you had it bad back then too. Weird awkward shit in high school, depressed scared moments in undergrad, manic desperate work in grad. It all seemed like shit back then, but for some reason it feels the shittiest right now. And you’d say that back then too. Nothing I do ultimately matters. Not really. It’s all arbitrary. All those goals I have, they don’t really mean anything. So every time I disappoint my advisors, or look stupid in front of my labmates, or shamefully beg my parents for money, or cringe as I ask my former managers and mentors to write letters, or stare at my robot hoping that it’ll just work after everything that’s happened, it’ll mean nothing. They matter to me. These moments and pain. But ultimately it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I can’t get any of it to work. It doesn’t matter because everything I do right is so small and insignificant. It doesn’t matter because if I put a bullet in my brain right here and right now the world will keeps spinning. Because it will always keep spinning. The people who care will learn to live with it. The people who didn’t might feel strange about it or might not. The “work” I’ve done will just be picked up by someone else and made better than I could ever really hope for. My time on this earth will be forgotten. Everyone’s time on this earth will be forgotten. Eventually. And because of that I have to ask why I even bother to care about any of it.
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I think these thoughts a lot. You’re so right, all this shit that we’re suffering through, however catastrophic or trivial, is so pointless because none of it matters. Sure the anxieties I felt in school have ended, but they’re replaced by new ones, bigger ones, and they’ll be replaced by even bigger ones, repeat til the day i die. And none of it matters.
The popular solution to this would be, if nothing matters then don’t worry be happy. Wish I could but it doesn’t work that way. Might as well say: don’t be poor, be rich. Or don’t be unlucky, be lucky. You can’t choose your circumstances especially if you’re already drowning.
Hm when I started typing this I was planning to end with “but at least you can tind comfort in…” But I suddenly have no idea how to finish that thought.
Being raised as a Christian, for years my brain was clouded by religious stupidity and quackery…until I realized religion was a scam.
I went from thinking ‘I’m special, god loves me, made me perfect, etc’ to realizing I’ve been lied to and that I sit low in the pecking order in the real world.
Once I worked it all out in my early teen years, then I realized I was living a life not of my own choosing, but a huge burden handed down to me by my idiot parents who mindlessly lived their lives as they were expected to do…get married, have kids, etc.
What angered me the most was being judged as I am….like I chose to be poor, to look the way I do, to be weaker and shorter than most guys in my high school and so on.
If I didn’t have a sense of responsibility to my family and siblings…if I was a bit more egocentric and didn’t care what happened to them, I might’ve ended my life by my late teens.
Despite my problems, as I got a little older, I started looking better, got into bodybuilding, got a bit taller-average height now…so some of the physical negatives turned into positives. I got way more attention from pretty girls than I did as a kid…but in many ways I was still a nerd and lacked the socialization I should’ve had if I was more ‘popular.’
But to your point, I went through all those things also…getting reference letters, doing job interviews, so many challenges in life but at least our education system is pretty good and prepares you while family/friends, s/o’s do the rest.
The other thing was that comparing myself to the average person out there, I did get a much better hand than I realized…I’d always compare myself to those who are the best of everything and was disappointed I didn’t measure up.
A lot of it was mind-games. I had already beaten myself down before anyone else could, because I hated the life that had been forced on me.
There were plenty of times I would’ve ended it but stuck around for family.
I decided I could go through life being depressed that I wasn’t born beautiful and rich or try to make the most of what I had…but some bad decisions made me miss out on a lot of good things, including my scummy dad interfering in my life and forcing me to go to university when I wasn’t ready (as an example).
Now here I am, in my 50s with very little to show for it…but I have pretty good organizational skills, an ok stable job and a lot of great ideas, but that take money to get off the ground.
I have a feeling I’ll probably end up being one of those guys in his 60s with a Porsche chasing younger girls…but I have nothing to lose really….if by then I am not successful then I’ll just opt for Maid…something that should be available to every human. Though I think they still need to ‘perfect’ the dyying process…but better than DIY.