Oklahomans don’t understand winter, another reason I want out of this nutty place. Everything was closed Monday for Presidents Day, then the snowstorm came Tuesday and the next day apparently my pharmacy still hadn’t dug themselves out yet. So it was Thursday before I got my medications refilled, and today before I got to try out my new medication.
I say new medication. Supposedly, if my memory which is notoriously spotty is anything to go by is correct I have been on it on some point. At some point when I was briefly hospitalized I got a look at my chart and was incensed to find that it said “Patient is poor historian.” I’ll be ruminating on those hospital memories for the rest of my life no doubt.
Anyway when my doctor suggested it, I was hesitant at first because a new anti depressant is scary under almost any circumstances. However, I’ve been working with this doctor for almost eight years and I respect him a lot. His opinion is worth the risk I think. Further, what am I risking here? I sit at home all day most days. If it goes wrong my dog will let me know.
At almost the exact same time, I found a hole in the side of reality that I was able to slip through. Great! I imediately thought, but almost as soon as I did I realized that it wouldn’t last. These things are always temporary. How temporary I never know. It is a game, but also an accompanying approach to that game in not pushing, not desiring. I don’t think that it is “perfect”, nor approaching. I think it is the thing for the moment.
The game, if any of you have interest is called Lightyear Frontier. The premise I do think is somewhat brilliant; you have been given a mechanical body and the task of farming and restoring an alien world. You build your homestead, discover new crops, and so on.
Strangely the thing that seems to work is to contrast this with murder interrogation videos. Similar to my horror obsession, it seems that having a background of deep darkness provides a comforting drone to bob along to. I think it also has to do with how I do miss my work, dissecting cases and diving deep into the perverse minds of criminals is something I enjoyed a lot. I enjoy watching interrogators at their work as well, some of them are adept, some are inept.
3 comments
“Patient is poor historian.”
lol what does that even mean? Like, when asked when was the War of 1812, you got it wrong?
Farming an alien world and listening to murder interrogations is a really interesting recipe for coping. It’s almost like flooding your brain with such disparate thoughts that maybe it blocks everything out? That actually makes a lot of sense.
Did they put you on SSRIs by any chance? I can’t remember if it was here or on a different mental health site, but the general consensus is that SSRI meds + history of suicidal thoughts is a really really bad combination. I can vouch for this. Zoloft nearly send me over the edge. In any case, keep your dog close at hand.
I forget because I spent so long working in a hospital other people aren’t used to the jargon. “Patient is poor historian” means that the patient’s memory isn’t very good. I was in the middle of a manic/psychotic episode at the time so my recall was pretty near the worst it ever was.
Plus there’s this whole thing, after working in a psych ward, you can never trust people working in a psych ward, or staying in one. It’s prison minus the violence. So I wouldn’t have told them everything even if I wanted to. It was beyond my ability.
As for the drugs, they’re varying varieties of the same thing. I had really good luck a number of years ago with a tricyclic, which is really old stuff. What I was just on was a classic SSRI, Prozac, and I’m tapering off it. I can’t remember the specific name for what I’m starting, but it’s a this generation anti depressant, something they came up with in the last 30 years.
He offered zoloft and I declined that. I know there are a few others I won’t touch, like Abilify and wellbutrin. The goal is to lessen side effects, and I agree with that.
Most of the latest stuff is pretty wild. Today is day two, I’m still feeling a bit edgy about it. The reason I was willing though is that body chemistry changes and I don’t think the prozac is doing anything anymore.
Interesting that you’ve been on both sides of the psych ward! I suppose if you wanted to (ab)use the system you could manipulate them to get whatever drugs you want just by knowing what to say and how to act.
It sounds like you’re open to drug treatments which is a good thing. Even I, with all my cyniscism & paranoia, keep hoping they’ll invent a miracle drug that does the trick.
But I think the biggest problem is that people respond to drugs in infinite ways, and there are very few drug regimens that are approved, so I believe a lot of people get funneled into the wrong drug. And by the time they realize how detrimental it is, their brains are doubly scrambled.
My gripe with the mental health profession is that it’s largely trial and error, and if the patient is suicidal already then there isn’t room for error.
It isn’t your first rodeo so you know what warnings to look for, and you know exactly what to report to the doc. I knew a girl who was put on SSRIs but she didn’t know how to explain what she was feeling so she just told them it’s not working. So they increased the dose and she ended up killing herself.