I was depressed as a teenager. I used to think to myself, “Nothing matters. No one likes me. I dont have [xyz]”. The truth was that I had every opportunity in the world at my feet. I was just too afraid to take them.
Post prison, I experience similar thoughts. I find it difficult to see or appreciate whats left in my life. But I remember how I was as a teenager, the freedoms I took for granted. And I do my best not to make the same mistake. I dont want to take for granted even what little I have left, as discouraged as I feel.
Maybe I need to practice some gratitude. I just dont feel like im anything important. And it hurts bc I want to be.
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That seems to be the punchline to life’s joke. We’re always too late to appreciate or use what we had.
Fear also held me back from some great opportunities, so I can relate. Fear and self doubt can really ruin a life.
But on a positive note, even though it sucks to regret missed opportunities I think there’s something to be said for waiting for the right thing, an opportunity you can’t refuse. I’d like to think it’s just around the corner for both of us. One of those things that presents itself and you don’t even have to think about it because it’s such a sweet deal. Hey anything can happen right?
hmmm, reverse transformation on my part, when I was young I was sure I knew who I was and that I was of value. Or at least looking back that is what my behavior reflects. I was so sure that I could do no wrong. Arrogant.
Now, I’m trying to be humble anyway. I look at my scars a lot, wonder if humility can heal them. Regret doesn’t come naturally to me. That divorce early on was a major correction, I could never be sure again after that.
I don’t think teenage years can be anything but a mistake, unless you have affluent parents. Just, after spending a lot of my adult life watching other teenagers, they’re all incomplete adults, making mistakes. They all fail to listen to some basic advice. If you have affluent parents they clean up the messes. Mine did for mine.
Which I guess didn’t matter, since I carry them in my head. Although, my parents aren’t that affluent as they like to remind me. Then people say money can’t buy happiness; but it can buy 140 acres in Michigan.
Are you in Michigan, Heartlessviking?
no, not yet
more aspirational, wishful thinking