No rememberance. For all my suffering, I die, they die,and history forgets I ever lived. What was the point? Drugs, alcohol, suffering. Physical & Mental sickness. Its so hard to enjoy anything anymore. I ***** and moan and complain but I have no balls to take my life even though tonight is the perfect opportunity (home alone). And that makes me think I might never do it. But i must be a masochist, because every time I ***** out I just continue to suffer and suffer and suffer, all the while putting other people’s feelings above my own. “I cant die because my wife would […]
Some people suggest that after we die, most choose to come back. If it really works like that, I dont think Im coming back. I want this to be my final life.
I have found a sizable lump where there shouldnt be. I dont want to make assumptions, and I still have to see a medical professional somehow (uninsured). Maybe its not so serious. But still. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe it is what I think it is. If it is, I cant afford to treat it. And strangely, that fate fills me with a certain calmness. Weight off my shoulders.
Im ahead of myself though. I need to see a doctor somehow.
Why do I keep myself alive? One of two things happens. Either I try something, end up in a psych ward, get released to impossible medical bills Ill never afford because of the psych ward stay, get depressed all over again and cycle endlessly through all of that. -OR- I just sit with everything miserably and fight it through to the natural end of my life just so that everyone else doesnt have to suffer as I have.
I have just fucked everything in my life up. I had no sense in high school that […]
What sort of things would you want out of life if the conditions in your life were optimal (a.k.a. no depression, no sickness, no regrets)?
For myself, going to college, starting a career, and staying fit would be important to me. Id want a house, a spouse, and to travel a lot.
Turning thoughts into actions…It doesnt matter how much I want to disappear when I dont act in enough ways to make it happen. Everything is like this. Daydreams, and nothing more
Truly, i wish i had never been born. Im disgusting. No one worth defending.
I wonder if I ever really experienced love or not. I have a concept of love in my head, but Im not sure if my concept matches what everyone else talks about.
Ive never had a clear picture of who I am.
Anyway.
No responses, please. Im one of those fucks that overvalues likes and replies. Its made me too…well. just dont do it, please.
Thank you all for your unexpected support! In my last post, I was expecting to get completely grilled. I did get grilled once, but the rest of you were rather empathetic towards me.
I have contacted a group known as Virped. One of you suggested Virped to me, and I have decided to contact them. Awaiting a reply.
Im not sure what else I can say about my own struggles, but I am grateful to have at least been listened to and heard. Thank you all
This is a difficult post to write. But, I cant get help if im not honest. This will get uncomfortable for some. Viewer discretion advised, so to speak. Im serious.
The truth is, ive been struggling a long time with an attraction to little girls. Around 11, 12, 13 years old. Ive never done anything to act upon it, but its there. I dont know why I have these attractions. I know the kind of damage it can cause–my own grandfather raped my mother when she was this age. She suffers still.
I put myself in therapy proactively, before anything has happened. I know im terribly […]
What’s stopping you from killing yourself?
I wish I never even existed.
I hate them all.
I dont usually post twice in a row, so please forgive the indiscretion. I think I figured out what my main issue is: a lack of self. I dont think I have a strong sense of self-identity. And I suspect that because of this, Im not able to love myself or others the way everyone deserves. Admittedly, its possible that I might not even truly know what love is. Maybe my conception of love isnt what love truly is.
Maybe there’s a way to recover what Ive lost in myself. Maybe also, the case is such that I have to build upon what I have […]
Its strange to want to kill yourself and then to suddenly realize that you actually died a long time ago.
When I enter into relationships, I do so with the expectation that every now and then there’s going to be sex involved. I can understand if she’s on the rag or not in a mood for it sometimes. But after going so long without it, Im going to feel really tempted to look elsewhere. Sometimes, I dont think women understand what it’s like being a man and having sexual needs. I dont want to be looking at porn, but I also dont want to go two weeks without any sex, let alone longer. All the uncomfortable questions have been asked: Are you angry with me? […]
Im addicted. Drugs, alcohol, porn. A slice of heaven in exchange for a slice of hell. Porn, in particular, has left me with desires for unrealistic situations, and the emptiness that comes with realizing none of it will ever happen the way you want. My days lately have been a haze. Weed, drink, drink, drink, repeat. At this rate, Ill be back on the needle in no time. Part of me actually looks forward to it.
I talked to the hotline. Well, the online chat line, anyway. Same people.
I didnt get very far. The person on the other end was really slow to respond. So slow in fact that a pale yellow window poppped up that said, “You have been idle for 5 minutes. You must talk within the next few minutes or your chat will end.” Thats not verbatim, just the gist. And I thought, “thats some bullshit. I shouldnt be kicked out while waiting for the people working the hotline.” I waited a little longer, and then just decided to leave. I cant say that I found it […]
Today at the hotel I work at, a guest was coming into the elevator at the same time I was, on the first floor.
“What floor are you going to?” I asked. I was going to push the button for her.
She replied, “wait until everyone else is on the elevator to ask me that. Jesus christ…”
That pissed me off, but I kept my mouth shut.
She and her group of people got off on the 3rd floor, and when they did I saw them walk into the first door on the left–room 310. I double-checked with the front desk and confirmed that 310 […]
Im starting to think Ill probably die by suicide anyhow. Im just not happy, man.
This morning, I woke up first thing and got high. I have the day off, but I wish I was at work. Not sure how to spend my time. So since theres nothing else to do, and more honestly because I wanted to do it anyway, I got high. I suspect Im addicted.
In 31 years of life, I dont think Ive accomplished knowing even the first thing about myself. My personality, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. have changed so many times over the years that I feel as if Ive never had a clear picture of myself before. I used to think the solution was […]
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