Thank you all for your unexpected support! In my last post, I was expecting to get completely grilled. I did get grilled once, but the rest of you were rather empathetic towards me.
I have contacted a group known as Virped. One of you suggested Virped to me, and I have decided to contact them. Awaiting a reply.
Im not sure what else I can say about my own struggles, but I am grateful to have at least been listened to and heard. Thank you all
This is a difficult post to write. But, I cant get help if im not honest. This will get uncomfortable for some. Viewer discretion advised, so to speak. Im serious.
The truth is, ive been struggling a long time with an attraction to little girls. Around 11, 12, 13 years old. Ive never done anything to act upon it, but its there. I dont know why I have these attractions. I know the kind of damage it can cause–my own grandfather raped my mother when she was this age. She suffers still.
I put myself in therapy proactively, before anything has happened. I know im terribly […]
What’s stopping you from killing yourself?
I wish I never even existed.
I hate them all.
I dont usually post twice in a row, so please forgive the indiscretion. I think I figured out what my main issue is: a lack of self. I dont think I have a strong sense of self-identity. And I suspect that because of this, Im not able to love myself or others the way everyone deserves. Admittedly, its possible that I might not even truly know what love is. Maybe my conception of love isnt what love truly is.
Maybe there’s a way to recover what Ive lost in myself. Maybe also, the case is such that I have to build upon what I have […]
Its strange to want to kill yourself and then to suddenly realize that you actually died a long time ago.
When I enter into relationships, I do so with the expectation that every now and then there’s going to be sex involved. I can understand if she’s on the rag or not in a mood for it sometimes. But after going so long without it, Im going to feel really tempted to look elsewhere. Sometimes, I dont think women understand what it’s like being a man and having sexual needs. I dont want to be looking at porn, but I also dont want to go two weeks without any sex, let alone longer. All the uncomfortable questions have been asked: Are you angry with me? […]
Im addicted. Drugs, alcohol, porn. A slice of heaven in exchange for a slice of hell. Porn, in particular, has left me with desires for unrealistic situations, and the emptiness that comes with realizing none of it will ever happen the way you want. My days lately have been a haze. Weed, drink, drink, drink, repeat. At this rate, Ill be back on the needle in no time. Part of me actually looks forward to it.
I talked to the hotline. Well, the online chat line, anyway. Same people.
I didnt get very far. The person on the other end was really slow to respond. So slow in fact that a pale yellow window poppped up that said, “You have been idle for 5 minutes. You must talk within the next few minutes or your chat will end.” Thats not verbatim, just the gist. And I thought, “thats some bullshit. I shouldnt be kicked out while waiting for the people working the hotline.” I waited a little longer, and then just decided to leave. I cant say that I found it […]
Today at the hotel I work at, a guest was coming into the elevator at the same time I was, on the first floor.
“What floor are you going to?” I asked. I was going to push the button for her.
She replied, “wait until everyone else is on the elevator to ask me that. Jesus christ…”
That pissed me off, but I kept my mouth shut.
She and her group of people got off on the 3rd floor, and when they did I saw them walk into the first door on the left–room 310. I double-checked with the front desk and confirmed that 310 […]
Im starting to think Ill probably die by suicide anyhow. Im just not happy, man.
This morning, I woke up first thing and got high. I have the day off, but I wish I was at work. Not sure how to spend my time. So since theres nothing else to do, and more honestly because I wanted to do it anyway, I got high. I suspect Im addicted.
In 31 years of life, I dont think Ive accomplished knowing even the first thing about myself. My personality, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. have changed so many times over the years that I feel as if Ive never had a clear picture of myself before. I used to think the solution was […]
Increasingly, I find myself wishing everyone else would disappear, instead of wishing I would disappear myself. I dont like people, generally speaking, and prefer my own company. I tolerate people while Im at work, but by the end of my shift, my social battery is running on empty.
Sometimes I wonder if I reply too harshly to other’s posts. I dont even know if Im being helpful or just plain annoying. Maybe it’s even a mix of the two. I think my reclusivity has made me a little egotistical. Or is it egocentric? Anyway.
Maybe I just need to get out and meet people more. […]
Anyone hear from Jeda?
Last I saw, Jeda was saying their goodbyes. I wonder if they tried something. Or succeeded.
If you were given 3 wishes to use for the purpose making your life better than it is now, what would you wish for? (No wishing for more wishes!)
My own wishes:
1. I wish I was in better physical shape.
2. I wish I never had to worry about money ever again.
3. I wish I could keep the knowledge Ive gained while resetting my life to when I was 14.
Our time on this earth is fleeting. Maybe its time to focus more on what Id like to do before I die, while I still have time to do them.
Id like to say thank you to those who have left advice on my posts lately. Your suggestions have helped greatly.
Maybe things are already like this, but I thought of something. I hold myself to a sort of “take a penny, leave a penny” policy here on SP. I write my own post if I feel it would help me, and after I do, I also make an effort to help 2 other people. This way, the likelyhood that someone posts and receives no human reply from peers goes down. We are all in a similar boat here, and I thought that maybe if more […]
Just for Today, I choose Life.
I choose to take into account every positive thing I have.
I choose to take care of myself, and to make healthy choices for myself, both physically and mentally.
I choose to acknowledge those putting effort into loving me and making my own world a brighter place.
I choose to brighten other people’s worlds, too.
I choose to grow. To do my best. To stand back up. To fight. Just for Today.
Today while I was at work, I got a call. Turns out my apartment building caught on fire somehow. All 3 floors have burned to the ground.
Im at a loss, but somehow Im laughing about it. Maybe its just disbelief/shock. But I dont feel as worried as I probably should.
My cat is safe, my soon to be wife is safe, and thats all I really care about at the moment.
https://www.lansingstatejournal.com/story/news/2022/12/21/meridian-township-fire-apartment-building-knob-hill-okemos-road/69747784007/
Take the time to consider those who put effort into making you feel loved, even when you dont love yourself.
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