My whole life I have hated myself. I dont remember why I started hating myself (I suspect childhood shit), but It’s become apparent lately that I have very little practice being self-loving. Lately, I decided I should try to develop more self-love, as long as I have that option before suicide. After all, if Im going to die–one way or another–then I at least want to accomplish loving myself. When I imagine dying, knowing I never loved myself…Im just not happy with that result. I want to defeat that shadowy monster always lurking behind my back, whispering all kinds of negative things into my ears. […]
1. My life isnt over. I still have time to accomplish things.
2. There are people who love me as I am right now, flaws and all. I am not unlovable.
3. Today Ive chosen to intentionally love myself despite waking up with painful feelings, and that means that Im growing and making progress.
Todays goal: Less thinking, More doing.
1. I have a decent job
2. I can learn to love myself again
3. Strong Coffee
4. Long hugs from loved ones
5. Im more resilient than I realized
DISCLAIMER: This post in no way, shape, or form has anything to do with anyone else’s post. This is about me, my own journey, my own decisions, and nothing else. Any similarities in topic/content are purely coincidental.
A. Get homework done
B. Go to the gym then take a shower
C. Clean the house
Things Im grateful for:
A. The ability to adapt positive habits
B. My soon to be wife
C. I have time
D. My current state doesnt have to be my final state
In my opinion, there are few things more relaxing than getting really high, taking a nice, long, hot shower, and then having a cup of coffee after. I havent felt very happy lately, but Im grateful at least to have had that small slice of heaven today.
I think I need to relearn how to love myself.
Im so fucking stupid.
I wish I wouldve went to college right out of high school.
I wish I never wouldve tried drugs.
I wish I wouldve taken care of my health.
I wish I never became a felon.
I dont have much to look forward to now except a lifetime of work, go home, get high, sleep, repeat. Decades of saying, “maybe I should kill myself” without ever doing it, and then laying in my deathbed as an old man wishing I wouldnt have waited so long to die.
Im considering blowing it all to Hell. For real. Having daydreams about jumping off the […]
It seems like today Im especially aware of my desire to be liked and acknowledged by other people. Despite my feelings sometimes, what I truly want is for my life to matter. But Im also aware that these desires have been holding me back from living authentically. Its almost like Ive been stuck in a lucid dream and now realizing that the time has come for me to cut the shit and wake up. I have to let go of the desire to be liked, because when Im not liked, I suffer, and then I suffer anyway because I forget who I even am in […]
I didnt realize until last year, in my early 30’s, that I was supposed to be building someone this whole time. I used to think people were the way they came, and that was it. Now I know that the majority of who someone is has to do with what theyve built themselves up to be. Of how much effort theyve put into building their lives up.
I look at my time differently now. Do I choose to play video games or to go workout? Do I work on that book Ive always wanted to write, or do I get high and watch cartoons on […]
Not too long ago I made a post about suspecting something was wrong with me other than depression. Tonight, I figured out what it is:
My ability to empathize with others is damaged. Im so self-absorbed that I dont even see it. So selfish that this ephiphany shocks me to my core.
Something must be wrong with my conceptualization of love.
Lately, Ive been wondering if something else is wrong with me besides depression. I suspect something is wrong with me, and that I dont have complete enough self-awareness to determine what it is. At the same time, I want to be careful that the problem isnt simply that I THINK there’s a problem where there really isnt any. Anyway, I suspect something is wrong because even though I’m intelligent enough to analyze my behavior, I still find myself unintentionally doing things that other people find annoying, antagonistic, rude, etc. And I dont mean to be any of that! It’s a social problem, I think. I […]
1. I have today off of work
2. It’s sunny and crisp instead of raining and muggy
3. Fajitas for dinner tonight
4. I have the ability to question my own thoughts
5. I live with someone I share Love with
6. Journaling has helped me analyze my thoughts, feelings, and actions
Ive been knocked to the ground. Lately, I’ve let my negative thoughts and feelings get the better of me. I’ve been suffering because of it. I’ve been bullying myself inside my head. I’ve been resorting to killing my pain, instead of embracing it or facing it head-on.
Today, I choose to stand back up, dust myself off, and take back control over my thoughts and feelings.
Below is the video that inspired me to recenter myself. Maybe, it will be beneficial for someone else here, too.
All these crazy posts about internet dating and cougars…meanwhile, people come here to talk seriously about immense internal suffering. Seems kinda fucked up to me.
I’m so disgusted and embarrassed of myself.
Welp. I think ive gotten to that point where all of the things I usually like doing has lost it’s appeal. I go to the gym, I play guitar, I write, I have some weed. None of it brings me joy the same way it used to. I force myself to do certain things like going to the Gym anyway, despite how I feel, but it’s starting to take a lot more energy than normal. I’m tired and want rest, but I’m also anxious about wasting too much time, since this is the only life I’ll ever get. To make a nerdy reference, I feel […]
I wish I could make people disappear sometimes. Like, poof! Gone without a trace. More and more, I prefer my world to be smaller.
Been really going through it the past couple days. The fight has been difficult. I still set goals in the morning, I still workout at the gym, I still tell myself that I cant stop doing positive things just because I dont feel positive.
My mother is in the psychiatric hospital, and all my uncles have been asking me about her. They all know whats wrong with her. My grandpa, her own father, raped her when she was a teenager. When she went to tell someone what happened to her, that person raped her as well. She’s been depressed and hurting herself my whole life. […]
Motivational video for those who want it
1. I chose not to smoke weed today and followed through with my decision.
2. I have a loving fiance to come home to.
3. I live in an apartment and not in a car
4. I chose to go to the gym today after work
5. I have access to a nice, long, hot shower
6. The sun rose on my face today instead of my grave
7. Im grateful that I grew up in a nice, respectable, middle-class city
8. I am able to set and focus on goals
9. Not in a hospital bed today
10. Having Steak for dinner tonight