Today I woke up and didnt feel like working. So, I didnt. Called in sick. Wish I made more decisions for myself like that. Sometimes, I forget that I dont HAVE to do anything.
Today, I decided to keep going. To live just one more day. Although I want to die right this second. And it only seems like I’m wasting my time. Why not just do it already? I don’t know. Wish I could just disappear and never return. Wish I never lived.
I feel guilty. You either put effort into living, or you put effort into dying. The in-between is nothing but wasted time. Either do it, or don’t. Either way, waiting prolongs suffering.
Yesterday, I was so depressed that I couldn’t eat. I cried a deep, gentle cry until my body went numb, and I passed out asleep at 5pm. Didn’t wake back up until this morning. The black thoughts are back and are kicking my ass again. No energy. Hoping for some sort of relief soon.
1. I repeat the same mistakes over and over
2. I torture myself inside my own head and can’t seem to stop
3. Parts of me don’t want to get better. Suicide fascinates me, and I’d love to die that way.
4. The down days are far too painful.
5. The up days feel grey, bland, and anhedonic. Every up day is a day I try to convince myself in my head that things aren’t so bad, that it’s enough to keep going. But it’s not enough.
Tomb of the slave is dug up
His treasure’s not stolen because
They all rest in his soul
Greed of the leader persists,
Collecting a debt made of nothing,
He searches for truth
Angel wing promise and chicken shit smile
Threats are perceived as just lies for a while
I bought a rope that will never be used
Think a lot deeper, the phrases I choose
For some reason, it’s seems like a lot of people expect too much from therapists. Like they have all the answers, or are supposed to. But that’s not how it works, and it frustrates me to see people think that way. If it was physical therapy, and they gave you exercises to do on your own, you’d have to do the work yourself, or you’d never heal. Psychotherapy works the same way. You have to do the work, perform the exercises, and put in the effort to heal. Some therapists dont work for some people, and that’s okay. But to give up on it entirely over mismatches would be counterproductive, I’d say. Moving backwards, even. Idk. I see people like this all over SP. Maybe it’s just part of their sickness to think like that. Personally, I have more respect for people who work through therapy and find it’s not working than for people who knock therapy when they’ve stopped working on themselves and stopped setting goals.
I’ve taken up running lately, which makes me feel amazing after I’m done. I’ve noticed my mood and energy improve. Maybe exercise was one of the pieces I was missing. I still have pieces missing, and I still experience suicidal thoughts sometimes, but running seems to be something working. Just thought I’d share, I guess. Its east to forget about exercise when you’re down and not feeling like doing anything. Thought maybe it’d help someone else too.
I’ve had a horrible day. My supervisor won’t stop talking about what a “fatass” I am (literally his words), even though I’m really not that fat at all. Still, it makes me self conscious. I want to lose weight now, and I’ve even considered sticking fingers down. Haven’t done that yet, though. This has been ongoing for some time now, and happened again today. Meanwhile, my boss at work told me I was underperforming and moving too slowly, which was a surprise. Thought I was doing just fine, but apparently not. It made me so anxious about performing better that I silently and stealthily cried. My ride back home from work never showed up, and on top of that, I Lost my phone and my wallet, which I eventually found in two different cities after searching for a few hours.
I’m exhausted. If I had no strength left, I’d go off myself after a day like this. But, I do have some strength. That being said, I’m in pain today, and definitely feel sad and depressed. Im not one to just give up, but im not invincible either.
Just venting thoughts.
I attempted on April 11th of this year, because I’m not happy despite building a good life for myself. I was so close. Figured out how to make it painless. Someone walked into my room to tell me dinner was ready, and that’s why I failed. Because I did it at home. I was so close. She said I was blue.
Life after that just hasn’t been the same. I have a different job, a different girlfriend, a different perspective, and the same emptiness. They put me on meds, and the meds level me out to a zombie-like grey, but its not the same as being happy. I just dont care about anything anymore. It’s difficult to describe, sorry. It’s like, there’s no point anymore. Everything is so vanilla, bland, plain, and boring.
I can’t stop thinking about how easy it is to do it. Or just doing it in general. Tons of daydreams. Been discerning whether or not a retry is a good decision.
I’m starting to realize that maybe I am a little depressed after all. I dont feel particularly down though, just been feeling like there’s nothing left for me to achieve. Am I doing enough? Am I setting enough goals and setting enough time up to work on them? I don’t know. Can’t shake the feeling like there’s nothing exciting left though. Im in this big, long, sandstorm of Grey right now. Not bad, not good, just is. Except for that, it IS bad because there’s no zest anymore for life. Just here. Just alive. Just existing.
Pain is a funny thing.
We see what we can bring
to others when they’re down
while we, ourselves, still drown
and struggle just to float
above the water’s coat.
Can’t helping help myself?
For all advice I fling
at others, why can’t I–
to me–say the same thing?
I’m not a masochist;
I want it all to end
Can be a help to others,
But can’t be my own friend.
Objectively, everything is going well. I have a decent job, a wonderful girlfriend, a loving family, etc. But for some reason, I feel empty and “bleh” inside. Some days, it just feels like I’m living just to exist. I have suicidal daydreams, but I dont feel depressed or sad. Just sort of…here, I guess. Neither good nor bad. Grey.