Plainwhite

Doing my best to remain positive today.

This is my special place, although it doesnt belong to me. When I feel as if my life is falling apart, I take solace in the forest. It costs me nothing but the will to walk there.

Today, Im going to go to AA for the first time in over a decade. Im going to clean my apartment and walk outside for as long as the rain holds out on […]

Today might be a difficult day for some of you, and I just want to express that Im sensitive to that. If you need to vent about Mother’s Day or your relationship with your mom, comment below. I will be here to listen to you.

A guy in my class told me I have “girlboss energy” the other day. Im not sure what he meant by that. I know what a girlboss is and I can understand it if he meant confident, but then…why not just say “confident”?

I guess it sort of messes with me a little bc it appears to imply something feminine and comes off as a backhanded compliment.

Maybe im overthinking it. Caught me off guard. No one has ever said that to me.

I feel tearful this morning. I think in my head, “Im disgusting. Im a failure. Nobody likes me. I fucked myself. I ruined my life.” And while I feel these things and think these things, I also experienced THE thought: “Everything is ruined anyway, maybe I shoukd just kill myself.”

But, no. Im not gonna do that.

Ay.

On the flip side of things, Ive invested in a bicycle and have some money saved up to coverup one of my shitty tattoos. Working out and getting those coverups will improve my outward appearance, and maybe, even if ever so slightly, my life will be a little better.

I have […]

What does a good life look like? It goes without saying that none of us want to feel bad, but what I mean is, what sort of things would you need to have in order to feel as if you had a life worth living? Ive been thinking about these things all week long.

I believe I lived rather hedonistically, and I used to think that chasing after simple pleasures like drunkenness or sex was best. Its left me feeling empty though.

I think I want to explore. Go see mountains, places Ive never been. I want to love, and be loved. I want a good friend.

We […]

I chose the username “Plainwhite” after the band Plain White T’s. They wrote the song “Hey there Delilah”, which im sure most of you are familiar with. I perform on stage with my guitar sometimes at bars, and when I was 16, it was the first song I ever performed live. Ive written plenty of my own music since then.

What about you? Where does your username come from?

I exist in a social realm seperated from most people. However ive learned to function in this world seems drastically different from what ive observed in others. The best way I can describe it is that Im like a human animal. Humans ARE animals, of course, but what I mean to express is that I have a certain “Wildness” about me. Im as I naturally occur, mostly untainted by social norms. I happen to spend a lot of time outdoors when my wife is at work and Im left to my own devices.

I am decidedly rather nonsocial. I dont mind people here and there, but […]

Growing up, I went through a lot of shit. And it didnt occur to me until I was an adult and my life was shit that other people had planned out and created a life for thenselves. Like, actively. They said, “I want to be fit,” so the exercised. They said, “I want to be [career]”, and they went to college. I was so busy coping with difficult things on my own that I completely missed this. I didnt plan, nor did I have a concept of planning a life for myself at all. I didnt have goals, and didnt aim for any achievements.

So, how […]

I wish I could take all of your pain onto myself so that none of you ever had to suffer again. I wish I could bring each of you your favorite comforts.

I quit. I have to. My body cant take it. No more alcohol.

I just dont get it. I go to the grocery store, and there the liquor section is staring me in the face. And I think, “this will make me feel good.” And in the moment, it does. But fuck, when the drunk wears off, sore body, tired mind, throwing up. Its like sleeping for too long and yet not getting any good rest.

I have to stop. I cant take many more mornings like this one.

Ugh…I feel like shit this morning. I drank myself another bottle of rum last night. Drunk texted people, made a mess of whatever I had socially. Physically drained. Emotionally sad. God, I HAVE to stop drinking alcohol. Just…nothing good comes from it.

I know why I dont fit in. Its because Im a 30-something year old nothing. Im supposed to be fit, and graduated, and have a vehicle. Im supposed to have made something of myself (I used to think that was just an expression). But im none of those things. Instead, im someone who was too afraid and apathetic to apply for college. Someone who did drugs and lived in my moms basement until I was 25. Someone who was convinced they were transgender but wasnt. Someone who went to prison.

Im a complete freak. A nobody. The internal nobody.

There are those who will say, “none of […]

Sorry about my posts lately. I need to stop drinking.

I am contradictory. When I can, I help people. But i also wish to indulge in evil pleasure. All day long I think about it, and fantasize. I havent acted but theres a certain pressure building. God, am I sick.

By no means do I mean to sound like Im bragging. Im nothing special, believe it. Im the most unlikely hero there ever fucking was. But in the past week, twice Ive helped people in ways that I feel are significant. I stood up to a guy who was abusing his Gf, and I found a wallet and returned it to a college girl who absolutely needed it. A lot of other people wouldve just kept it. And hell. I dont mean to sound full of myself. But if this were a video game, I wouldve gained a lot of hero points just off of […]