Plainwhite

More and more I feel like I just can’t stand people. On one hand, I feel lonely. I get sad sometimes that nobody calls me up to do anything. But then people have to go and do things that remind me that its better to be alone than it is to be with people who are shit. So, I feel like I’m being stretched too thin between two extremes.

I’m tired of the juggle. It’s exhausting. Life is exhausting. And what I wouldn’t give for some mental peace.

I dont really have friends. I have people I talk to and catch up with regularly over text, or email. But I don’t hang out with anyone. And, I sort of miss that.

2010, I believe, was the last time I had a true friend. It’s been a very long time.

I am a living-dead person. Someone who has utterly ruined their life and is stuck in this big, long “now”, waiting for the end. I’m doing what I can to salvage things, because when I think about what I would do if I hadn’t ruined my life…well. I am attempting to do those things now, even […]

https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/the-wounded-inner-child-and-the-development-of-a-false-self-part-1

The last time I almost died by suicide, I wasn’t actually trying to kill myself. Sometimes, I just like to flirt with death. One evening, I bought a fifth of rum and got shitfaced. And I was tying knots around my neck, with the other end connected to the right-side arm of my treadmill. I wasnt trying to die, just flirting. Just hanging in a frontward fall, feeling it out, and positioning back upright when it got to be too much. Comforting, actually. Well, I kept drinking and accidently passed-out with the knot around my neck. Someone knocked on my door to tell me dinner […]

Is it honorable for an evil person to kill themselves?

Just venting. I dont think I’m a good person.

I created a Hell around me, and I suffer for it, and I wish I never existed in the first place because I don’t enjoy my life nearly as much as I wish I did.

DISCLAIMER: Sensitive material ahead! Please do not read if you would find it triggering to read about darker urges, including but not limited to sexual content or violence. Read at your own discretion only.

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So, one of the things I see a therapist for are paraphilias. You see, I once traveled to Kentucky so I could attend something called Scarefest. Various actors and actress from horror movies were there, and you could pay to meet them and get your picture taken. When I attended, the biggest actors were Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich from the original Scream movie from the 90’s. There were all kinds […]

I need the opinions of the SP community!

There are 2 rules on SP: No methods, No hate. This means, inherently, for now, there are no rules against speaking about “taboo” topics and struggles.

My belief is that stigmatizing certain struggles makes them that much more difficult to address. Someone who would benefit from talking about uncommon behaviors, for example, loses that benefit the moment others deem it taboo or unfit for discussion.

I am someone who struggles with difficult sicknesses, two of which are particularly sensitive. Some of you have expressed that you also experience such struggles.

As long as a Sensitivity Warning is given at the beginning […]

This evening, I found myself regretful. I wish I could start my life over, retaining all the knowledge I have now. I have made choices that are permanent. And all I can do now is to try to live with that and make the best of what’s left. Suicide still flirts with me and whispers sweet nothings into my ear when I’m alone at night. For the most part I ignore it. But it’s there.

Just venting.

I dont believe in this stuff, but I find it fascinating what human beings do privately. (Video enclosed) The real story though is that someone who I know is a Gardnerian pissed me off. And I know they like keeping these things secret, away from prying eyes. Thanks to people who broke oaths though, this info is available for anyone who knows where to look. The guy who pissed me off would rather keep it secret. So naturally, I’ve been sharing it. It’s interesting.

Human beings are interesting. We hold ourselves back because we put ourselves in the shoes of others and imagine what it would be like to suffer the way they would. And yet, almost everything in this world can be obtained by ignoring that impulse. By abandoning empathy. And all the while holding back, I suffer myself anyway. I don’t have much courage to be evil, but I’m right there along the border, on the other side of veil, waiting for the thing that convinces me to abandon all care and finally cross over.

I daydream about what I’d do to people who say things about me […]

I’m not a good person. My uncle tells me that as a kid I was an angel. “Something sent from God,” he says. He says it like he’s eulogizing me, and although it bugs the shit out of me, it might actually be appropriate.

I’m not a good person. And I don’t say that out of despair or a lack of self esteem, I say it because it’s true. Because I do bad things.

Many of the things I’ve typed here have been lies. Stories I made up for my own entertainment. So I could watch all of you react to it. You can’t trust my words.

Sorry. […]

I hurt, but I’m sober.

I’m tired, but I’m trying still.

I cry, but look for smiles

I’m weak, but I’m fighting

Human-beings are unnecessarily complicated.

All my life, I was taught that you should make the best of your time on this earth, and live as authentically as you can, since you only live once. But if, for example, you decide to grow out your hair and show up to work in the middle of an awkward phase, they might assume you’re on drugs (or say you look unprofessional, at the least). So there seems to be this rather arbitrary dichotomy between being authentically yourself and following expected social norms for the sake of social functionality. And I guess I find it frustrating because it’s all bullshit. […]

Hey. It’s been a while. I attempted, but survived. Was in the hospital for a while.

I’m an asshole for posting it, and I’m sorry for that. It was unempathetic and selfish of me.

I have everything I need. Goodbye, everyone. Enough is enough. I’m done talking about it. You’ll never see me here again. Reply if you wish, but I won’t see it. This is it. I do it tonight. Rope. Thank you for everything. I’m done.

I dont want to go to work this morning. But I’m gonna.

I wish I never existed in the first place. I know that even if I don’t handle things myself that I’ll have a peaceful death, because it will have been long looked forward to. I don’t want to exist. At all. I don’t like it.

There’s a line I haven’t crossed yet. It’s the fuck everyone line. If I wanted to, I could be evil. Maybe I already am. I’ve never killed anyone, never SAed anyone, never robbed anyone…but I know I’m very capable of it. What is it that keeps me from crossing that line? Fear, I think. Fear of prison, fear of destroying whatever good is in me. But I think about it a lot, especially in times when I feel undervalued.