It’s kind of everything that’s getting worse, except appetite, for once appetite isn’t a problem. Maybe that’s what I should focus on, what isn’t malfunctioning. I’m getting along with people fine. I’m doing what is asked of me by my family, so that’s good right? The A/C works, which I need today because it’s 80 F***ing degrees in March.
What’s getting worse though is my sleep, and anxiety. I laid in bed last night really struggling, and this morning it was like that too, because I didn’t want to wake up. When I am awake I have trouble finding stuff to do, even just getting into one of my games, which to me seems like it should be easy, it’s getting really hard. Same goes for getting into one of my books, it’s the element of focus.
I keep working away at the job hunt, and it feels so futile. I got another rejection today, apart from that little burst of activity at the beginning of the week, most of what I get is rejections. I get emails with places I want to go, things I’d like to buy, but I’m broke. There’s very little hope of not being broke in the near future.
I can’t win, wake up early and I have longer to ruminate over not getting any news at all. Wake up later…. there’s no news then either, and it makes it harder still to sleep. I’m lonely, all I’ve got is my wife and animals most days. I’m used to meeting more people. I’m used to being needed by people, but now I’m useless for the most part.
I want to find a way to enjoy the downtime, I have so many games unplayed, books unread, but instead I’m sitting around feeling bad about myself…… which makes everything worse. I took one wrong smoke break, and apparently screwed up my whole life. I tried giving up more of the news thinking that would cheer me up, but I feel more adrift and alone, maybe it needs more time I can’t tell.