I keep going over and over it in my head; what did I do to deserve this? I can’t have done anything that bad. Then I think about some of you that I’ve gotten to know, I know some of you think you’ve done something bad, but bad enough to be stuck depressed and hopeless? I don’t think you’ve done something that bad either.
Maybe it’s an immature approach, assuming that people should get what they deserve. I keep going back over all the awful things I ever did, but haven’t I done penance for those awful things?! I tried to kill someone once, okay, a few times. I smoked some weed which I don’t know if that’s even a punishable thing anymore. I have stolen a few things. I had sex outside of wedlock, again not sure if that’s punishable anymore. Oh the porn I’ve enjoyed, not sure if that’s wrong.
I worked a lot of penance, and any time I directly harmed someone I made amends. But now I’m sitting in my grave, and I don’t think I deserve it.
All I think I do deserve is this song;
5 comments
Not sure, either way being in a situation that has long story short taken a completely different direction in terms of “worse”, I could care less about karma or things being right in any sense in comparison to just getting out alive in order to, maybe, potentially be able to think for myself, for however long that persists before I’m dragged back into the pool of heck again. They say you can’t step into the same river twice, current me thinks it’s sure as hell true for better or worse. At least this too is temporary and not forever.
I wish you survival if that’s what you’re looking for during these times, that’s my case. And also reassurance, despite how the odds may look, You probably deserve to have that. It’ll be okay, you’ll turn out fine, the usual. Definitions of “okay” and “fine” would obviously vary, but nonetheless, I trust that you’ll get through it. Here’s hoping.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with the ‘ normies’ lately and their lives are just as bad as the suicidal, they just don’t think about suicide for some reason I can never figure out. But of course I’m not a normie nor will I ever be.
I think it depends. Some of them you are probably right. My mom is a good example, she says things like “the world is just like that”…. and I can’t talk her out of it.
It bugs me because I’ve had a taste of it for a few months at a time, and the only major defect in my case is that I can’t shake this location. When I get out of this state though, I see people living elsewhere and I suspect they have it better.
Or maybe I’m delusional as can be, maybe I’d get out of this state and elsewhere would be just as bad. I’d like to find out.
My biggest sins were being born female, to poor parents, and to parents who did not give a crap about me, and had shitty evil sisters. When all the cards are stacked against you from Day1, what can you do to escape that?
I think the cruelest and most lopsided invention of humankind is the concept of karma. It’s cruel because it adds confusion to our misery because nothing is consistent. And it’s lopsided because the best people (defined as striving toward kindness) are the ones who suffer the most confusion.
A purely selfish narcissist billionaire who doesn’t believe in karma will have the most carefree life, while someone like Mother Teresa suffered because she couldn’t reconcile the spiritual discrepancy between her faith and her observations. The concept of karma constrains and hurts good people while bad people laugh and walk around it to get the prize.
What does that say to me? It tells me that goodness is a crock, at least in terms of evolution and the law of nature. The problem is that some of us are stuck with this goal of trying to be good, or at least trying to do the right thing, and it’s not even a choice. We can’t simply choose to be selfish assholes any more than selfish assholes can choose to be kind.
So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s all irrelevant because we’re stuck with what we’ve got. A good soul, a bad soul, happiness, misery, wealth, poverty, heaven or hell. Nothing makes a difference.