My brother and his wife are having a baby. And I think that, in itself, sort of closes the window for suicide for me. Pretty decisively, Im not going to do it now. Even in the worst of cases. I want my niece or nephew to grow up happy, and to have a fantastic life. Suicide has bad ripple effects on people, and I cant bring myself to destroy the optimal conditions this child would have for a good life. I dont want to be the person that destroys or corrupts a new life. They do not deserve that. None of us do. I wont be doing other things either. I resolve to be better, and get better.
So, thats it. If its alright though, Id still like to stick around this place. It has helped me a lot. You all have helped me a lot.
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If you mean that, youre already a better person than I’ll ever be. I attempted when my niece was one year old and today I shudder to think what would’ve been if I’d succeeded- eventually she would get to know about that uncle she never knew who killed himself; a blot mark in the family tree. And if ever she faced one of those lows in life that we all do sometimes, there’d be the risk that she should look at my example as her reference to deal with her immediate situation. Yet I went ahead with my plan despite realising this possibility fully well.
So I commend you for your resolution. It’s one thing to give up a bad ideal under the euphoric experience of becoming a parent but damn considerate of you to take up responsibility for the future well being of even your brother’s child. Mad respect.
As for sticking around, this place is not just for those gradually sliding down into the abyss but also for those who have crawled out of it- more so the latter perhaps.
I do wonder how that’s going to effect me;
In a few weeks the closest thing I’ll ever have to a brother, my cousin is coming to visit. We were very close growing up, two sides of a coin. He just had a baby girl last year and I’m getting to meet her for the first time when they come to visit.
There’s just been some distance between us in the last few years, no idea why. I guess I do know part of it, he has every intention in staying in Oklahoma and I don’t. We’re on very different paths, he’s an artist and a teacher, I don’t know what I am anymore.
He has a kid, and I’ve just looked after other people’s kids. Technically I’ll be her second cousin, of course I’d like to be called her uncle, or maybe Tio or Onkle, given our heritage. Well, I don’t have spanish speaking heritage but they do, I’m cool with whatever.
Yet I don’t want to cling on, that’s always been my fear with their family, that I’m imposing or latching on where I’m not wanted. They have other family on his wife’s side and his mothers side that I’m sure want to be involved too. Maybe I’m just dead weight.
When I tried to come visit last summer, twice, they couldn’t make time for me. This only deepened my feelings of being unwanted and unnecessary in their family.
So you see, my family is as much a liability to my suicidality as something to keep me here and to keep me from suicidality.
This is great news! I’ve always felt that winning against suicide requires a dedication to someone or something outside yourself, and it looks like you found that.
Sometimes a reason makes all the difference. Or sometimes just knowing that suicide isn’t an option can change your entire attitude toward life. In any case, yeah please stick around and let us know how things go. We could use the inspiration.
I’m glad to hear that you found a reason to keep going. I have nieces and nephews and they can be fun to play with as they get older.
Ofc if you have issues with your siblings that can be a damper on the relationship as in my case.
I am only speaking for myself…presently I’m only really living for one person, my mother. I have 2 sisters and I don’t believe either of them would take good care of her.
As she’s elderly once she’s gone then nothing really keeps me tied here.
I am working to turn my situation around and if it works out, I might do well financially then it opens up a lot of opportunities for me…I guess that’s the other main thing keeping me here but for now it’s a long shot, but a goal within my reach.
I am doing what I can to make that happen.
My only other concern would be to make sure my extended family is fine and for now they all seem to be doing ok. I know my nieces/nephews will be upset when/if I’m gone, but we’re not super-close anyways…so if I do ‘kick the bucket’…it won’t be too terrible a loss for them…they’ll get over it and move on.
Also at the end of the day I have to live for myself…if my life takes a turn for the worse, no chance of getting better…I won’t hesitate to apply for Maid…I’ve suffered enough and unless I succeed somehow, I have no interest in going on.
But ofc if having close ties with family helps you want to keep living…more power to you. I’d like to see everyone here get what they wish for. I personally have mostly lost interest in life, except for the few goals I’d like to still fulfill before I disappear.
One last point-I’ve been getting some amazing sleep recently (on and off)…and that’s about the only time in my day I feel really ‘happy’….but then I wake up to my “bad life” again….and keep working to get out of the hole I’m in.
So I have no doubt, passing away will be much like a dreamless sleep…I don’t fear being dead…just the process to get there…but because we have Maid in Canada…at least I know I have a way out.
You’ve got this man.
I believe you’ll figure thing out for you and your fam.