So I broke down and called the hotline last night, there’s a pain threshold where I have to because it’s that or start screaming. I’m being melodramatic, but only by a little. Passive suicidality, but it’s pervasive and it’s been going for a few days. I just don’t want to wake up, or go to sleep, any activity that involves living grinds against me and I have to force it.
It was this dumb job that messaged me back. They wanted me to use my old truck and my truck isn’t up to it, I think I’ve already talked about that. I wrote them a cover letter full of optimism, again grinds against me, hard to do these things, and when it all leads to failure and dispair it hurts so.
Today the hotline called me back to check in. Talked about how negative towards myself I’m being, probed that bit. This is where the bitter truth came out, one is that I wished I had ended it six months ago when I lost the job, I said that last night too because that’s when my life ended I’m just malingering now. The other is that I can’t now, and I can’t even let myself get too low because it would disrupt the good things going on for the people around me.
That’s why I’m so hard on myself. That’s why I keep myself small, why I put so much hate on myself, because my wife starts a new job Monday. My parents are going to Scotland next Month. They’d all drop everything if I was hospitalized, and I won’t let them. I know I’m dangerously close, and I’m doing all I can to keep from going over the edge.
It’s just, interesting, because that’s not something I would have said to myself. I’ve slowly taken away from myself that level of self insight. It makes sense though, that’s why I’m shackled, imprisoned, because other people need to be able to live….. and I’m dead, this pretense of life is a show for the cameras. To keep those people going, I’m their emotional support human.
Last night they asked me why I don’t die, I said because funerals are expensive, it’s like $15k, where as keeping me alive is only a few hundred a week. No one seems ready to pay for my death. Stay small, stay on life support, keep supporting the people who need me, I don’t know why they need me, but I’m doing this because it is what they require.
1 comment
Your words are quite relevant to me today. This morning I got a text that my 85 y.o. father is in the hospital again with chest pains. This has been happening every couple of months for a year now, and my mother who is 81 is not well either. If they were dead already, I would be too, because what’s holding me back is the pain they’d feel if their oldest child died before them — especially as a suspected suicide (since I will simply disappear, they’ll never know for sure, and I’ve disappeared from the radar for months at a time before). But the fact is, I’m not sure I can hold out much longer, and they both have close relatives who have lived til their early 90s, and I’m not going to make it in this world another 5 years, that’s for sure. I used to be fluent in German, and my favorite German word even when I was younger was “lebensmüde,” literally life-tired. There’s no better way to describe my life now, nor is there any cure for this condition that I can see, except death of course. Seeing my parents decline over the last 10 years and having worked with seniors the last 7+ years, I have no desire at all to be old, especially now that I’m past 50 and can already feel it coming. And I won’t be able to afford being old if my health declines, nor is it acceptable to me to end up in some shit-hole facility like some relatives of mine have. As for any funeral arrangements, I’ll be out of the country if they do happen to find what’s left of me, and I’m sure numbered graves for John Does are free everywhere.