Last I was here, I was actively suicidal and giving into despair. I still believe my life will end by my own doing. However, there will be no more giving into despair. I know I haven’t been a good person, even though I’ve tried. I was born very flawed, excessively so compared with the population. I never wanted to be as messed up as I was. I was never malicious or intent on sowing destruction. In fact, there’s very much love in my heart. I just never learned how to let it flow out of me. I know how to let it flow now, by forgiving myself.
I learned to lean on God. I ask Him to guide me in all things. I ask Him for forgiveness relentlessly. He helps me to forge a path forward. The only thing I can’t promise Him is that I won’t take my own life.
I will take my own life. But first I am going to give love, all that I have, to all the people in my life who need it. From this point forward, the only thing that will come from me will be love. Then, in love, I will put myself to rest. I will have healed what was so broken in me from such a young age. I will have loved that part of myself sufficiently that it stops eating me alive. Hand in hand, all parts of me will enter the hereafter. I finally understand my purpose and I feel at peace with knowing my time is coming soon.
Thank you all for being here, a community for us misanthropes. It is a great service, to provide a place where I can speak of these things freely.