How is Life Great?

Depends on how many times you chase after it. If you don’t chase it, then it can’t intoxicate you. Truth be told I wish I didn’t have to chase it. Most of the time I know I’m probably lying to myself, but what do you expect me to do? give up those people in my life? not so easy.

I’m not even sure if those points where it seemed like it was working, if even then I was happy. If even then it was wonderful or worth it.

I’m like Wiley Coyote chasing the road runner, it’s futility incarnate. Except there’s a construct involved where someone profits from my failure, I think.

I’m over being angry about it at present. I’ve laid my cards out, tried once again to get out again, dissociated entirely and emotionally de invested as much as I can….. because it’s myth of sysyphus at the end of the day, pushing a rock up a hill to have it roll back to the bottom,

BUT! if you admit the futility at the start, and lean into the task, thumb your nose at the authority, that is what Camus intended, that is the existentialist answer to the whole mess.

The task only defeats you if it emotionally crushes you, if you are emotionally invested in it being productive. It isn’t. It’s all pointless. I apply what is left of my sanity on trying to find a different way out, another idea as to how I might get away from this pointless toil, since it is truly pointless, and all meaningless and without a single bit of gratitude from those I do the work for.

Lean in. Lean into the void, lean into the punishment and the meaninglessness. It is all meaningless, and take the punishment with a grin and stick your tongue out, because so what?! I’ve had more punishment and will take more besides!