I’m 24 years old, I’ve been suicidal and haven’t wanted to live for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was dragged to many different doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists, all never knowing how to help me and my mental illnesses. I’ve tried over 20 different medications, several different types of therapy and even ketamine therapy as a last resort. The ketamine was somewhat helpful, but I realized that even with the combination of ketamine, antidepressants, and therapy, using the tools I’ve been given to try and better my life and my mental health, I still don’t want to live. You can say that I “have time” and that “I’m still young” and “I should just hold out for a bit longer”, but I don’t want to. I know I’m hurting people who love me but I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated that even with everything I’ve done, that I still feel the same. I don’t want to live in this world that is so unfair and filled with hatred. I’m tired of having to act like it’s not scary to watch the world burn and having no power to stop it. I’m tired of trying to explain that just “thinking positive” and “being mindful” does nothing to change the fact that I am just broken. I have nothing of value to give to this world and I will just be a useless cog in a machine that’s killing this planet. I can hardly take care of myself even with the help of others and I do nothing but ruin the lives of people around me. The best thing I can do is to find somewhere hidden enough from others to not bother them with my rotting body. I’m sorry to just clog up this page with my useless rambling but I feel the need to put it out somewhere. I know it’s wrong, but I don’t care anymore. I just want to be gone.
3 comments
3 comments
What things do you enjoy?
I can relate to so much of this, though somehow I’ve made it to 37…… I guess because things weren’t as dark when I was 24. I keep thinking it’s never been this dark, and the world finds new ways to prove me wrong.
It’s trying to find rest, trying to stop fighting….. if only for awhile. I’m struggling with that too right now. I had to put up the coffee because I shredded my intestines, not fun stuff…. I’m trying to be less hard on me. It seems like death is the only way out, but I swear there’s another way out because I’ve taken it at least three or four other times before or I wouldn’t be here now.
I can’t do it for other people, I had to do it for me, and that’s harder, so you have to do it for you, because you’re that tired. But I’ve gotten right up to it, right up to the attempt, and I’ve worked this field, been right up to it with people, and it’s a bettter option to choose yourself, in my opinion.
cause the outside world sucks, you’ve got to shut it out, find a book, find a movie, find anything that you can wrap around you and leave the rest behind or it’ll drive you mad. Hospital beds are absolute shit to sleep on, and they won’t let you have your electronics or regular shoes….. those are the things I missed most when I was put inpatient. And my dog, god I need my dog like I need air.
prisons and hospitals aren’t all that different…. is what you find out…. at least the hospital they put me in. I thought I was stuck in a bunker at the end of the world it was so sparse and uncomfortable, but I was psychotically depressed at that point. The food also sucks. They won’t let you smoke.
There’s always some reason to be given for not killing oneself, usually by people who don’t want to die, whose life is going well enough for them, or for some nonsensical cosmic reason (you have some purpose in this immense, ancient, impersonal universe, Jesus loves you, blah blah). I’m about twice your age, and it’s tempting to say that a good course for you is to keep trying to find a personal meaning and stick around because of that, so consider it said. However, I also know that no one alive feels what I’m feeling, that they won’t help (in fact, they’ve done the opposite recently) and that I don’t really have a future outside of subsistence level existence in a world I mostly hate, so I’m not judging you at all now matter your age. I was very close to executing my plan 7 years ago, but by a fluke something came up that was a lifeline. I had a difficult time for a year, did a lot better the next year, and the next few years I thought I was doing so well. Then everything came crashing down last year. Like you, I’m just exhausted, and can’t face the future. This is like the third time in my life I’m forced to start from scratch again, so to speak, and I don’t see the point at my age. I was a little older than you when my life blew up the first time but I managed to turn things around after a while, and I really wish you the best.