I need to make the pain stop. But I’m not prepared to do the one thing that’s likely to end it. So I’m forcing myself to remain here. I’m choosing to continue this misery. I’m doing this to myself.
And tomorrow, maybe I’ll try to do something to make it all a little less painful. But right now, all I want is an escape. An off switch, a distraction, anything that allows me to forget my reality.
I’m all alone. No one really knows me, because I can’t allow anyone to see what I am. But that’s probably part of why I post here. Because when you feel alone, you have the urge to reach out. And I can’t actually reach out. Because I can’t let anyone in. So posting here allows me to somewhat satisfy that instinct, without having to actually deal with people.
I post my loneliness into the void, and sometimes it echoes back, and maybe I get a brief feeling of having done something. That’s all I can bring myself to do at 3am.
6 comments
It sounds like you already have some ideas as to what you might to make the pain less, care to share?
I know from your past posts that your dark desires make you feel shame, I still can’t help but feel there are people out there willing to let you open up without judgement. I mean, I’m like that, and I know I’m not unique in that way. The block is the shame you feel more than the ability of others to hear what you have to say. Also, in the case of therapists they are required to keep what you say confidential unless you mean to do harm, and priests can’t repeat anything you say ever if it is in confession.
I know I need the outlet, just for someone to have heard me, and to hear myself speak the words seems to do something.
However, there are things I can only post here, so we’re similar in that way, and I’m glad that this provides some good help for you.
Nothing revolutionary, just the usual vague blend of self-care tropes. Try to reduce the physical discomfort a little, and maybe occupying myself with doing so will distract me from the emotional pain. Occupying my mind generally in ways that don’t aggravate the pain. I managed to watch several episodes of a show today without something in it reminding me of my misery. That’s rare.
I talked to a couple of therapists about it in the past. The shame was overwhelming. I think the issue is there’s nothing they could say to make the shame any less. There’s nothing they could say to make it ok. I was just left with the brute fact of it – you’ve done these unacceptable things, and have these unacceptable desires, now breathe, go to your happy place, and just accept it. Accept the unacceptable. Accept that society hates you, and I wouldn’t be giving you the time of day if it wasn’t my job (they obviously didn’t say that last bit.)
Actually saying the words didn’t seem to help with me. I need to be acceptable to others – to the people around me. I need relationship, and connection, and community. And I can’t. I can’t make myself acceptable. Even if I was able to stop these thoughts for the rest of my life, my past actions alone make me forever unacceptable.
Well, treatment resistant depression is a thing, most of us who are frequent fliers on this site are testiment to that. I could also get into that the last thirty years of the shift from the clinician researcher model to counseling model has really hurt clients more than ever. People with masters degrees aren’t qualified to help treatment resistant depression.
I’ve begged until I’m blue in the face for a PhD treatment provider, and there aren’t any left, they’ve all retired and they aren’t training any new ones. All of them are going into administration. This is part of the cold awfulness that makes it hard for me to get any further in my career in this field because that’s what I wanted to be.
I’ve run into the occasionally insightful treatment provider with a masters degree, but they don’t stay still for long enough to be effective even if they DO have the skill to do the job. They move to another team, another job, they move up.
I imagine it’s much worse for someone with no knowledge at all of the internal politics of mental health organizations, and that these masters degree providers are just trying to barely scrape together a living because they really have no leverage. So, if they don’t work as an outlet, they don’t really work at all, and I’m sorry for that.
Not really about that for me. One of the guys I worked with had a PhD (and charged accordingly.)
Think it was more that I have addiction issues, and because of the nature of them they become the mandatory focus for anyone working with me. But those issues are largely sustained by how lonely and empty my life is.
I believe that in order to meaningfully fight addiction for any sustained period, you need hope and a meaningful life. You need something to fight for. Something to resist your impulses for. And I have nothing, and no hope for anything in the future.
So I would endlessly fail to resist my impulses in small ways, week after week. And then go to therapy, and feel ashamed for failing, and talk about that. And there was nothing they could say to me to help, because they couldn’t engage with the central issue – that I’m unloved and unlovable. That no one who knew the truth would want me in their life.
I don’t blame them for that. I just think some people are beyond help. In order to kick an addiction, you need the motivation to stop. And for that, you need a fill for whatever the hole is you have inside. And for some people, that’s just not possible.
Addiction is about consequences, and those consequences not being worth it. The first 72 hours are the worst, you get through those it’s downhill from there. I’m just past my first month without THC, today I was cleaning a bit and found some, I packed it away and I was proud of myself.
First 72 tips; find a movie marathon or a series to binge watch. Maybe do a puzzle or play some game that you’ve been putting off, something that’ll take up a lot of attention. Keep busy. Hide everything that reminds you of it, that part of life is over.
Understanding the cycle is important, because if you can interrupt it at any stage, it becomes less powerful. For example, relapse is part of the cycle, instead of letting it drag you into self loathing, focus on how long you were sober.
That’s just my two cents about it. 12 steps groups in my experience don’t work, too religious. Almost a cult. Building will power, learning triggers, that stuff works. Eventually you’ve got 6 months sober, a year sober, and that’s worth being proud of.
You don’t have to like yourself to start, you just have to hate the addiction. When I quit smoking the first time, I didn’t like myself, but I managed to stay sober a year. I didn’t like that the addiction owned me, it was a small area of control I wanted back.
*shrug* I know you’ve got low self esteem. I just still think you can do two weeks sober. That’s a fast, plan the two weeks and plan to go back, that builds will power and it might help. I mean, I don’t know a lot, but I’m rooting for ya.
It’s not about consequences, though consequences can provide motivation. There’s also a difference between psychological reliance and physical dependence.
I can go 72 hours. Maybe a week. Maybe even 2. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t get any easier. The void is still there, and the impulse to fill it.
The motivation, it just isn’t there long-term. Because I have nothing to do it “for”.