Really, even though I got off early today and was grateful for it, that gut urge to run was still with me. It’s animal, deny yourself too much I think is part of it. As much better as I am, I’m working too hard still. I got caught at it, it really is my biggest flaw to run myself down physically and not be at my physical median at least half the time. We talked about professionalism in the opening course, I know my health isn’t professional….
See, work/life balance isn’t professional, because one makes more demands sometimes. When work does, it is always abusive, and when life does it always seems unprofessional. We need to tolerate a bit of both I think. Let them take some. I know, minimal harm, but dang it I’m tired and if they want to bite my arm…… sometimes I don’t care. I let dogs do it. Seriously…. a kid you think will do worse? Let me work through being a bit burnt out. I’ll demand my time when I want it.
They gave me the time, and they’re being considerate right now, but it is making me nervious. How hard they want to keep me…… how long will it last? I’m eyeing the fence, because I don’t know how long my usefulness lasts here. I’m used to old, incredibly old organizations, like old enough to have grandchildren most of the time. I’ve got a middle aged company, one of the ages I’ve struggled with the most. I mean young companies hate me most, because I am in no way hip or with it.
I mean, sometimes I get on with independent contractors, but that’s not large organizations, different rules. I mean this office is young too, but that’s not an issue one way or another. I just can’t figure out the retention, like how strong the actual pull is. Stronger than average, that’s for sure.
I just need to keep my head straight, which is the trick even now. It’s still stress, we’ve got stuff at home to deal with, wife got sick off of me, we’ve had some kids sick at work, it’s stormy season so that means kids can’t go outside which makes them tetchy.
Everything is on hold until at least the 13th when I get my first check, so I’m waiting on that. ugg, just tired. On a metaphysical level I am worn out, I need a win, like an ice storm. These weird weather events do happen sometimes in summer, it’s just not often enough.