I first heard that term when Chelsie Kryst jumped off a highrise in Manhattan. She was Miss America 2019, tv star, model, etc, and who knows what other endeavors, but suicide won out.
Although I’m not a celebrity, I can totally relate because I’m in a high stress career with tons of responsibilities on my shoulders in addition to keeping my own personal responsibilities on track. I think that’s why nobody around me recognizes that I’m so fucking depressed I obsess over suicide every hour of the day. The stereotype of the depressed person is someone who lays in bed all day or whatever, and here’s me juggling 800 tasks like a champ with no time to be depressed. The problem is the depression eventually explodes with a vengeance.
When I have a full on suicidal panic, that same methodical, focused, “high functioning” part of my brain threatens to kick in. And if that happens, my suicide will be a glorious thing to see. Yes jumping. There aren’t any 60 story highrises around here but there’s a marvelous bridge with a stretch of railing that has my name on it. When task-oriented brain kicks in, I’ll leap over that rail like an olympic medalist.
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Yes, I was one before I got sick. Very much task-oriented and very high functioning. There are A LOT of high functioning depressed ppl out there. Fcuk the stereotypes- the general population is OFC going to demonize the depressed, the “mentally ill,” the physically ill- just like society likes to demonize so many other things.
In my distant past- back when I was healthy- I had a high stress job too- spoke with CEOs and VPs of multibillion dollar banks. Was ex-military. I guess nothing is more high stress than life or death military situations. I had a friend who worked on Wall St- and yes- his coping mechanism, as was mine, was to keep as busy as possible so that we didn’t have TIME to be depressed.
Fcuk the stereotypes- MANY of the geniuses and historical figures in the past- from Newton, to Beethoven, to Abraham Lincoln, to Darwin, to Michaelangelo to famous mathematicians- ALL had depression.
Also- MOST of the celebrities (REAL celebrities- like the ones who can actually sing, dance, act, etc and not “instagram” celebrities) tend to suffer from either depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia.
I’m convinced that in order to be really fcuking AMAZING at something- be it a scientist or actor- you have to have a “mental illness” to be able to do it. Look up all the celebrities or historical figures. Most of them have some sort of “mental illness,” or at least that label.
It begs the question- is society “normal” and WE are the ones “abnormal”- or is society SICK and WE are the ones who understand the truth and refuse to chug along like a happy little lamb heading to it’s own slaughter?
Rates of depression tend to increase in really intelligent ppl. There is most definitely a correlation. Obvious “dumb” ppl aren’t immune to depression but the really intelligent and introspective ppl tend be “high functioning depressives.”
Anyhow, there are LOTS of “high functioning” depressives out there. I guess we’re in good company. Well, I suppose I’m no longer “high functioning” due to my numerous physical issues but fcuk, I was one. And yes, NO ONE knew how depressed I was bc I was always kicking ass out in the real world and my mask was SOLID. Alas…I mourn those days and my kick ass self…
This Chelsie Kryst lady sounds amazing- literally only read 2 sentences on google, but she’s a beauty queen with a LAW degree. That’s really something. Real life Legally Blonde I suppose.
I envy you- this used to be me before the brain injury- so productive, so capable. Yeah sure I had depression, but at least I was PRODUCTIVE and got shit DONE. Now I’m just a weeping mess. What I would give to go back to the person I used to be.
Anyhow, I know it’s no consolation as your brain is actively in suicidal mode 24/7- trust me, been there, that was me- it can be so much worse- at least you’re functional. You work, make money, you’re capable. Better that than being a weeping mess. Better to be “high functionally depressed” than low functioning AND depressed. That’s the bottomless pit.
There are tons of high functioning depressed out there. Just like you who can mask it well, so do others. So you don’t actually know who you’ve met, talked to, worked with, passed by, guy at the coffee shop who hands you the coffee- etc who are ALL depressed. A good chunk of the US population IS depressed. Depending on which statistic you’d like to look it, it’s between 18.5% and 46.5%. That’s a lot of fcuking depressed mofo’s out there.
Bc I’m so sick, I’m always at the drs- this dr that dr, this specialist, that surgeon etc- and I can tell you- at least half of these drs hate their jobs, if not most, at least 20% are depressed and do not like their life, if not more. They are all “high functioning depressed.”
“Surveys from Medscape and other sources show that rates of depression among physicians can be as high as 24% or more, with some specialties having even higher rates, and that physicians are more likely to experience suicidal thoughts compared to other professions. ”
So I guess I’m saying- you’re in good company. O_o
Wow I soo agree with everything you said… The stereotype is such bs, I think depression affects so much of the population meaning all types of people. And I think it’s especially the high-functioning (high-stress) people who are depressed af but they mask it like you said.
Sometimes when I’m out in public doing regular stuff and meeting strangers along the way, I’ll get a vibe that someone is on the verge of suicide, not because they’re visibly sad or unstable but the opposite: they’re too perfectly efficient. Like, they’re too good at their job, or they say all the right things in social settings almost like they’ve rehearsed an act. And I get a vibe that they’re just waiting to clock out so they can drop the mask, get in their car and scream all the way home.
But I guess these are the same ppl who are so good at masking that they fool themselves into denying they have depression, or tell themselves they have it under control. Until they snap.
Hah I wish I could say I was making money, but nah even though I put 110% into work I’m still barely making scraps. I see your point though, that at least it’s good to be active instead of sick and watching your once-active body break down. I’m already seeing signs of that. It takes enormous amounts of coffee to get me going whereas in the old days I was just naturally full of energy.
I think that’s the real danger of the situation, when a high functioning depressed person realizes that their high-functioning half is breaking down and they’ll soon be left with pure depression. I bet that’s the moment when a lot of people snap. That Miss America lawyer lady was only 30 but that’s also around the age when you realize you’re nothing like your 18 yo self anymore. Things start to fall apart.
Why did that paegent lady suicide? I didn’t read up on the details. Who knows what her issues were, but I imagine life wasn’t “easy”- being pretty leads to things like stalkers/rape/being wanted only for looks/hated by women/etc
Details are sketchy and most reports leave it at “high functioning depression”, she’s kinda the poster child for that. Honors student, lawyer, beauty pageant winner, actor, model, it’s like she was juggling everything at once.
I have my own suspicions and yeah being pretty must’ve played a role, making her a target for stalking, hate, objectification, etc.
This is a huge assumption, but also I think she fits the profile of people who should NEVER be put on SSRI antidepressants. I know this from personal experience, if you put a ‘high functioning’ person on SSRI you better watch closely because it can get unpredictable. All that uncontrolled energy can get laser focused on suicide. So if she was put on SSRI in the weeks or months leading up to her suicide, I’d bet every penny that was the catalyst.
The catalyst but not necessarily the cause.. Whatever it was, it sounds like it was brewing in her for years (according to her mother).
These articles suggest she struggled with her self-image.
https://www.wfae.org/health/2024-05-03/native-carolinian-and-former-miss-usa-describes-her-struggle-with-depression-in-new-book
https://apnews.com/arts-and-entertainment-television-programs-general-news-dc364316d3ef4432934a132c26f04923
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/interactive/2024/cheslie-kryst-miss-usa-death/
https://nypost.com/2022/01/31/cheslie-krysts-struggles-are-all-too-common-in-pageantry/
I actually ordered her book and it just arrived. Not sure when I’ll get around to reading it but if I do I’ll report back.
I’m sure her issues went much deeper than any article could explain, probably much deeper than even her book explains. From what I’ve noticed about high-functioning people, they have a sort of mania that supercharges them to accomplish great things, but like a race car driver they can easily lose control and end in disaster.
A stabilizing force, like a powerful sense of purpose, community, family or even business contacts, is absolutely necessary to keep these people from losing control.
Without that stabilizing force, all their supercharged energy can turn destructive in the form of obsessive, debilitating perfectionism (tortured artists), irrational overachieving (in academics & business ventures), or self image (entertainment professionals like Cheslie).
We’ll see if my assumptions line up with what she wrote…
I almost definitely qualify, but I have to watch myself because I am surrounded by people trained to spot depression an mental illness in general, luckily they’re all too focussed on the autism in our clinic to care.
It has occured to me that our clinic might be intentionally hiring high functioning depressed people, When I’m less self focused, I see a lot of myself in my coworkers, specifically some of the behaviors I have flagged from research known to show up in high functioning depression like flat affect, memory issues an so on.
I specifically work to mask mine when certain supervisors are around, and so do some of my coworkers so it’s kind of a fun game to watch which are higher functioning than others. We all know which supervisors care more than others. Some supervisors actually want to know and help, it’s better not to mask with them. Others are part of the problem.
The workplace for a mentally ill person high functioning or not is war. You have allies, you have people who are neutral or civilians, an you have people who are undermining you or hurting you. It being modern society you can’t hurt them back, you have to be covert.
However, yeah I could be really high functioning if the company saw fit to call me to it. They could give me the hours, motivate me up and push me to really work hard. Right now they want to be a hobby to me, and I’m super cool with that. Four to five hours a day isn’t work to me. Not at my age, especially when none of it includes any hard programming or physical labor.
I’m daydreaming through life, and I’m allowed a lot of drugs while I’m at it. So wanting to die right now? To escape from what? Spending most of my day watching movies and playing video games?
The worst part of my life right now is the violent nightmares I have about wanting to escape this place. I had one again a few nights ago. I keep beating the antagonist almost to death, I have no idea why I’m so angry inside.
I mean, it’s the poverty, and that I can’t get things fixed or do very much at all on my very very very limited income. Also, they just passed a bill through congress that will very likely destroy my career, but that I suspected was coming back November 5.
I’ll be high functioning as long as I can get away with it, I have way more education than most men my age so that sets me up really well for a lot of work. Inside though, I’m a mess, but it’s a well organized mess. Compartmentalization works well, I keep all my problems boxed up and they don’t come into the building with me, most the time anyway.
Man you’re like the 3rd person this week who has mentioned how much that bill is affecting (ruining) their income and ability to survive. The other day I was talking to a young guy probably early 20s, super smart and employed, but he’s literally facing homelessness because his income is going to be slashed below his ability to pay rent.
Well I guess it goes back to the discussion we had earlier about red states having higher suicide rates. It could be a simple matter of economics. That moment when you realize you’ve crossed below the poverty line, or you’re facing homelessness, is probably the most vulnerable you can feel. And I think that’s when a lot of smart, productive people figure out maybe it’s better to die than face what’s coming next.
That must be tricky but also sorta fun to navigate your workplace with everyone being trained to spot depression. They say ‘never bullshit a bullshitter’ because they know all the tricks. Who knows, maybe you’ve been spotted already but they’re just not saying anything because they’re happy with the high-functioning labor. I’m sure that’s another thing that’s clouding the issue: People, bosses & coworkers might be less likely to blow the depression whistle on a high-functioning employee because they don’t want to give up their star moneymaker.
idk I might be reading too deep into it, but one way or another it just sucks.
I don’t know, maybe?
I’ve been called a genius in the past. I’m nowhere near that now.
I’ve been so focused over the years on just making it to the next month, and trying to make something of myself, that I haven’t really tried to mentally unpack myself. Never figured out why I’m like this in my head. I’m only now realizing I should’ve gotten proper therapy years ago (the one other time I actually did try, it didn’t work out and I stopped going because of the shit advice at the time).
On the outside though, I like to think I seem relatively normal with interests and what not.
I feel like a storm on the inside though, and I’ve wondered instead of the people who died tragically, who had stuff to really live for, who had people who depended on them and the like, take me instead and let them live again.
Idk why my head is like this.
Sure I think that qualifies. You don’t have to be outwardly busy to be high functioning. I guess anyone who has the ability to understand and solve complicated problems can be called ‘high-functioning’. There have been a ton of geniuses in science & the arts who accomplished great things in their field while being barely able to feed themselves.
But yeah what’s happening to you seems to be the end result. Like a high revving engine, we burn out and break down pretty fast. I can still fake it in short bursts, but my productivity is nowhere near my prime. Inwardly I know I’m just limping along and pretty soon it’ll be a grinding halt.
I also can’t believe the cosmic unfairness where energetic, productive, happy people get killed in the dumbest random ways while I’m here with a screaming deathwish for the last 10 years and I can’t seem to get myself killed no matter how many crazy things I do. I guess that’s just the way life is, totally random.
maybe you should try wanting to live. murphy’s law will come into place, and then the universe would off you O_o.