So I still haven’t gotten an answer on my application. But I finally got in contact with people. Waiting on a reply. Don’t feel that bad, but still not doing amazing. I was just happy to finally get in contact with someone. I think I need to get an answer by at least next week. I doubt I’ll be able to attend otherwise.
People are problems for me. I don’t understand. It feels like all my issues stem from them and being self aware. Being perceived. I told myself where ever I end up next I’ll make a real effort to start dating. I’ve talked about how dating apps creep me out. But I can’t think of anything else. Mixers feel just as unnatural. I’ve never tried pursuing people. I only ever confessed to one girl in highschool before and it took everything I had. Trying to get close to someone with the express purpose of starting a relationship. Feels unnatural. I think that’s why I like those websites. Pay for attention. Leaves you feeling hollow though. But for actual relationship stuff I always just avoid people. It’s always felt easier. I mean I barely like making friends with people. Going into something with the expectation that you are attempting to form something. It’s hard to put into words, but the idea that I share some sort of brain space with someone sounds exhausting. Caring what they think. Trying to find a way to engage them. Small talk. It’s so much anxiety when I try to imagine all the scenarios on how to deal with people and their reactions but then actually having to act on it sounds even worse. I want that boat. The one that takes me to the middle of the ocean. Far away from everyone. Sounds so much better.