Apparently a characteristic of Autism is that a person has trouble regulating their emotions and can feel them intensely. I still have doubts about of psychiatrist’s diagnosis, but it makes me think of those high stress moments I’ve had in my life. I am honestly ashamed of how I reacted to a lot of them. Those moments of frustration I had in the lab. I think I’d die if anyone caught me acting the way I did. Like a child’s tantrum. That time I got rejected in high school after confessing to a girl. I had to go home and run around the neighborhood. Then I went to the gym. I didn’t know what to do with myself so I figured if I kept moving my body it would sort itself out. I don’t know if this can be attributed to autism or if I simply have the maturity level of child. I think that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like being around people. They complicate something I seem to have limited control of already.
Thinking of her again. I always say that the feeling is fading, but clearly it hasn’t completely yet. It’s her birthday this month. I can’t remember any sort of good sensation she ever gave me. Any happiness of being her friend. Just a lot of anxiety. So why does she even persist in my mind.
Stagnating is starting to effect me. Every day feels like a million years. I don’t have any desire to get up in the morning or any desire to go to sleep at night. I don’t have any desire to do anything. I need to start applying for jobs. They still haven’t replied to my damn email. It’s summer so I guess that’s to be expected, but what was the likelihood they’d be prompt about it during the semester? They probably figured nobody would apply this late. Typical. My assumption about the deadline was stupid I guess.