will you pass a day without thinking of dying? i don’t think i will.
if i don’t keep this job i need to finally end this, i need to promise myself. there needs to be a solid deadline. i don’t think i can find better work than this, where i don’t feel like a complete outcastst. it’s so hard to hide how i feel, it’s written plainly on my face.
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No, I dont think Ill ever be normal. I will always have thoughts about dying. But I CAN be better. What I can do is notice the thoughts without choosing to engage with them. Like, “Oh. That suicidal urge is flirting with me again.” And then going no further with that. Meditation helps me practice keeping internal distance from it, but Im not perfect. Still cry, still worry, still fear sometimes. But im getting better.
do you think you will ever be normal?
-no, and quite frankly, i’m sick and tired of trying to “fit in” or conform to everyone else. most ppl aren’t worthy anyway.
will you pass a day without thinking of dying?
-yes, if you’re being literal. will i ever stop being sad/depressed/suicidal? idk
Nope I’ll never be normal. Part of me doesn’t want it, because that would mean all my years of suffering were for nothing. But I do hope I can get to the point where my reason to live drowns out my reasons to die.
With your deadline for suicide, your job, I think that’s a smart idea. At least in the short term it can keep you from obsessing about suicide, knowing there’s another time for that.
“Part of me doesn’t want it, because that would mean all my years of suffering were for nothing.”
-we’re both probably still alive for the same reason- if i ended it all, that means all of my suffering has been for naught, and that pisses me off -_-
It works but it’s pretty fucked up isn’t it? Pain pushes us deeper into anger, and anger ironically keeps us alive.
The problem with this scenario is even if we do survive to see better days, we won’t feel any “happiness” because all this anger has eaten away the part of our mind that feels things like that.
Exactly. Burning anger from this injustice is what’s keeping me and you alive- but where is the happiness? Will we ever achieve that? There’s so much anger and hatred (most ppl could never even fathom it- lucky bastards that they are) bc they have never and will never- experience the level of pain and torment that we have had to go through.
And yet we’re told to “just forget about it and move on” when I KNOW for a fact that 99% of these ppl would NEVER be able to endure even 20% of what I had to endure.
Like I WISH everyone could experience at least 10% of what I’ve had to go through. That way we’d be treated better and not constantly gaslit and told “there’s nothing wrong with you” and “you’re just weak” or “a complainer”
I just hate this stupid fucking world. And about 98% of ppl in it.
I don’t think there is such a thing as normal in the word today. Its too far gone. I think many of us are the way we are because we are honest with ourselves about how fucked up the world really is and not pretending its all good and great. well it isn’t and never will be again. They finished us off as a country and the world for the most part when they pulled their cov19 scamdemic. We are facing a nuclear WWIII and people are like no big deal man, I will just sit on my rooftop drink alcohol and watch the city burn and die. This world is not my home. I want to be gone from this hell and home in heaven.