Fuck

Here we go again.

I’ve been watching porn for almost 12 years. My mom told me never to watch it when I was 9, but I got curious and did and I could never stop. I’ve wanted to since before I started. I never really wanted to do it.

It just gets more and more messed up and everytime I ask myself why? And I want to stop doing it and then I do it again. It’s paradoxical. It’s an addiction I suppose.

More and more I think about self harm and suicide recently. Just ideas. I threw away my pills why did I do that. I wouldn’t be watching porn if I could take another sleeping pill. That would be nice. Alas.

So I wanted to cut myself in front of other people. I feel like I don’t get the help I need so I thought I might force people to help me by doing something crazy like that.

But I’ve already caused scandals before. How is that gonna help anyway? Some crazy guy cuts his wrist with a knife on what seems like an ordinary day. I dont think that’s good for anyone. I would laugh. Last time I cut myself was an accident. I was carving wood and my hand slipped when I was carving towards myself and I cut my pinky finger. That bled a lot! It was warm. Felt nice, but I was lightheaded and I felt embarrassed by the accident. But it felt good. The warmth… it’s really not that painful to bleed, it’s just a bit of a headache. I don’t know though.

What comes around goes around. I watched Magnolia a while ago, great movie. “You may be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with you.” What’s that all about? I’ve been feeling it lately. Like all the shit I did in the past is getting back to me. Ahhhh

I used to eh. I hated my parents, I wanted them to suffer because I suffered. I was reminded of that from a TV show I just watched called untamed on netflix. Yeah, when I was 13 we moved. I was really insecure at the time and then put in an environment where I didn’t even speak the language. So that wasn’t very cool. I wanted to go though and I thought it would be exciting. I knew I would only stay for two years, I cut all my ties with my old friends except for one, I never wanted to see any of them ever again. Then we went here to where I live now. I mean yeah, when we were there, my older brother dated a girl twice his age and a witch, and he started smoking cigarettes. He said I shouldnt have sex before marriage because “it’s not as great as you think it is”. He had a psychosis when I was 14, and he was 16. He was always like a role model to me… kinda like a superhero. That was messed up seeing him like that. My mom told me I had to take care of him so that he didn’t try to kill himself. We watched TV together and I asked him about stuff. I asked “you don’t really wanna kill yourself do you”, and he laughed awkwardly and said no. I asked him about all of his hallucinations and so on. It seemed to me that he had opened up some type of portal to the spiritual realm and that only he could see those things but in reality they were there for everyone, only that he was the only one with the eyes to see. I started doing a lot of spiritual searching after that. Back then I looked into meditation and stuff, but not anything eastern because I was turned off by it. Sort of dissociating yourself from your emotions. I read a blog post about that like, you’re supposed to control your emotions, not the other way around. So I was really repressed and I got even more repressed after that, but I went to the gym and that made me feel better.

So when I was 15 we moved again, and after that I couldn’t go to a gym anymore. A year later I had lost every bit of strength that I had but I still thought that I had it in my mind. I was arrogant. My life completely fell apart and I dropped out of school. I would have done it sooner but my parents wouldn’t let me. They took me to a psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever to do an investigation but I made up a lot of things to say to them. Yeah, I used to be a compulsive liar. I still do that type of thing sometimes, just playing an act. I can’t admit to myself who I really am so I keep the act on even when I’m alone and it’s exhausting. At some point I just can’t take it anymore and I need to vent my frustration somehow. I guess that’s where porn comes in, but I wish I had some other way of doing it. I tried drawing and singing. That worked for a while. Not anymore. I don’t know what to do now.

What else is there? For two years I communicated with spirits inside of my room. It was a dark room because I pulled the blinders down. Practically no light could enter. I wonder how that period of time changed me. I keep going through my memories. Trying to figure things out I guess.

Later on I became a Christian and was baptized. That really changed my life for the better. I went from only being in my bed all the time to actually being a functioning member of society. So, thank God for that.

I thought that I could just do fun things and have hobbies and that would serve as my therapy but it didn’t work as I thought it would. It works for a while, then I get tired of those things. I love horses. Maybe I could do horse riding. I’m so tired of everything about myself. But I’m forced to spend my entire life living together with this person. I wonder who that is. Who am I? Who is he… who is that guy… me.