Visiting a place 400 miles away. Travel was a distraction, unfamiliar surroundings were a distraction, a few brief interactions with strangers were distractions, but as soon as things get quiet I’m back to hell. It follows you.
I can’t get a news story out of my head from years ago. It was about a girl who was depressed and went to a party. Everyone says she seemed to be having the time of her life, really happy and outgoing. She left the party early and killed herself. People were baffled.
I wasn’t. It makes total sense and it’s the feeling I’ve got right now. We’re constantly told that the cure for depression is to get out there, socialize, interact, travel, etc. But for some of us, that only drives the point harder: there’s no escape. When you go to that party & force yourself to have a good time (especially if you have a genuinely good time), or if you travel to some new place and experience the excitement of new sights, or maybe even if you make a long-term life change in a positive direction, there’s still that same brain and those same thoughts and same demons traveling with you. And when you realize that all your best efforts to get away amount to nothing, that’s when total hopelessness kicks in. Because there’s nothing left to try. Nowhere left to run.
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My Momma always said when you leave and go somewhere else you take yourself with you. She was right. Things might change for a while and be good, fun and exciting but reality always come back to bite you. I even ended up with someone just like my ex wife. We fall into the same trap with relationships also has been my experience. I just need to be alone now. Its safer that way. I would still like to leave here and start my life over but with more of a purpose than just running away.
That’s so true about falling into patterns, especially with relationships. On that subject a great movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. It’s about a mind-erasing service that’ll make you forget traumatic chapters of your life (exes). But the funny thing is people fall right back into the same loop, even after being given a fresh start.
They say you can walk into a room with 25-50 people and leave with the same (type) person you were with last. I believe it cause I have lived it. For some reason Im a Borderline magnet. Its really a bad combination for someone that has depression like me. Its the worst person to deal with. A normal person which I think I was 20 or so years ago will end up severely depressed and suicidal like I am. Ive been told I have C-PTSD due to continual trauma for years on end. I used to be so strong and could handle anything. Not so much anymore.
I remember for a long time I had a strong problem with large gatherings of people. They made me very upset. I could do well in small to medium groups but get over twelve or so people and things got bad. It took some time of work to get me to have less of a problem with parties, assemblies, sporting events and so on.
So that would just make me suicidal by itself up until the last 15 years or so. I was good at masking, or I thought I was what did I know I was a kid. Eventually either due to medication, drugs or therapy, socialization or some combination it just went away. I went to a baseball game because I wanted to and had a lot of fun this week. So that indicates total recovery.
However, I’m enjoying this current shift to less social work. My current work is very solitary and that suits me well. It means I can do social things in my free time. Though, my dream job would be fufilling and social, that’s a lot to ask out of THIS economy. I won’t get off further on that tangent, promise.
I often have thought I could walk out of a social situation and commit, that’s almost exactly what happened with my only time I had an attempt;
I was at work in a social situation and it drove me to the point I didn’t want to live anymore, if this was my life, this job that just was driving me nuts, I wasn’t earning enough, and my boss didn’t seem to understand me.
Of course I had no forsight, it all blew up a few months later because of his mismanagement.
Anyway I walked out and was driving out of town to find someplace to do it, and I chickened out and called the hotline, and let them talk me down. If my method was closer I’d have done it.
I have played guitar in bands doing gigs much of my life and was around large crowds and didn’t have much of a problem until I got sober lol. I have worked for big Tech corporations until I lost my job in 2020 due to covid. Now I am alone out in a rural area in the PNW and I would rather not be around people. I even hate going to the grocery store now. I dread it and I have to see family at times but I just am not comfortable around them much anymore. I have cats now and they are my best friends. They do bad shit at times but I can give them a time out if I so chose. Try that with a wife or girlfriend:-)
“Everyone says she seemed to be having the time of her life, really happy and outgoing. She left the party early and killed herself. People were baffled.”
—That’s bc these ppl were never her real friends nor ppl who cared or wanted to know the “warning signs.” Many ppl purposely ignore a depressed person’s need to talk, especially when they’re depressed. I’ve had “friends” who were HAPPY to talk to me when I appear “happy” and I talk about superficial silly things like parties or celebrities or some other stupid shit. The second I talk about depression or how I really feel, suddenly they’re “too busy.” People KNOW you’re depressed but they don’t want to “deal” with you or listen to your problems. Then when ppl commit suicide, it’s “OMG it came out of nowhere!”
“We’re constantly told that the cure for depression is to get out there, socialize, interact…”
—The reason socializing doesn’t work is bc there is NO connection. It’s all superficial stuff. Even if you “have a good time” you know it’s meaningless. When you get back home, nothing changes. IF someone has true, meaningful relationships/friendships with ppl- that is different. But socializing and putting on a happy face does nothing when you come back to the ol’ crappy life. Socializing only means something if you’re out with ppl who genuinely care about you and you them. Which is severely lacking in current times. Social media has made ppl LESS social- even when they go hang out- bc ppl no longer view friendships the same way when i was growing up (grew up BEFORE the internet was a thing). Now, nobody cares about anyone anymore. People say they’re “friends” with a million ppl, but very few are ppl they actually care about.
and the thing is, depressed ppl especially crave MEANINGFUL friendships/relationships. But ppl nowadays are so…surfacey and most don’t care and don’t want deep relationships or deep connections. i have noticed this shift in the last 20 years. Every year it gets worse and worse. people are just less caring in general. or at least americans. ppl who still have connections to their home countries tell me family and community is much stronger there. I mean even in those countries, community is getting weaker as they become more like America/Western.
It’s jsut a general lack of care I see in ppl nowadays. I don’t think most ppl these days even have the ability to care. Most are either doped up on psych meds or refuse to admit the reality that their life sucks. So when they see a depressed person, they want nothing to do with them.
That’s so true, I haven’t had a real friend in years and I always blamed myself for being somehow unlikeable, but I’m starting to realize that it’s our entire (American) society that’s to blame. Like you said, nobody seems to want real connections anymore. At best we end up with 100 superficial acquaintances that don’t add up to 1 real friend.
And that drives me deeper into hopelessness, not even trying, which makes the problem worse. Who knows, maybe everyone feels this way, and it’s our collective hopelessness that keeps us from trying to connect. Like why bother.
Just now wandering around this new town I had a random convo with a stranger, and it was legit interesting. But there’s this polite barrier that exists between people these days… Don’t introduce yourself or ask names because that would be creepy af. Don’t talk for more than 2 mins. Move on. It’s getting creepy. These are the new rules of society.
I suppose I’m as guilty as the rest. But I wasn’t always this way. The rules of society changed on us and nobody knows how this new thing works.
“Don’t talk for more than 2 mins. Move on. It’s getting creepy. These are the new rules of society.”
–It’s mostly American society. I mean, yes, other countries are following in America’s bad footsteps on everything, but it’s less bad (for now) in most other countries. well, depending on the country ofc.
–i mean, it IS a mixture of how crummy and superficial society has gotten AND us- i mean i can’t blame 100% of it on society bc I DO see other ppl with “friends”- obviously i can’t tell if they have CLOSE connections but i feel like the avg person DOES have at least 1-2 if not 3-4 close friends, whilst i have…0. -_-
“But there’s this polite barrier that exists between people these days”
“like why bother”
–Yeah, I’ve given up trying to “socialize” and make friends. Been there, done that, yielded little to no results while incurring TONS of energy- energy that also is lacking.
–Yes, this stupid American society- we don’t talk about anything meaningful, all surfacey-level bullshit like “how’s the weather” or “Kim Kardashian blah blah non-important crap”. NOBODY talks about SUBSTANCE. It’s a uniquely American thing. Even in the UK, you can talk to ppl about REAL topics. I mean I’ve always chalked it up to the fact that Americans are dumb and want to stick their heads in the sand.
-The FEW things that are important, ppl bicker and side with “their” team- Left vs Right and somehow EVERYTHING on THEIR team is “right” and EVERYTHING on the OTHER team is “wrong”- which is utter bullshit bc BOTH sides are full of corrupt motherflockers and BOTH sides screw us over.
-And NOBODY in the US knows how to THINK CRITICALLY anymore. It’s farking insane! Like other countries seriously don’t sound as dumb as Americans.
-So that’s one of my MAIN problems- that I cannot have any intelligent or meaningful conversations or debates with anyone (maybe 1/100 i see or meet). And I can’t stand useless idle chatter for the most part so like you said- “why bother” (except that leaves us very lonely and we ARE social creatures who DO need to have intelligent or meaningful conversations with others, otherwise, they become like us- depressed and hopeless on SP.
This’ll sound weird but have you tried ChatGPT? Not for “companionship” but just to have meaningful convos on subjects most ppl wouldn’t think about.
Just avoid anything related to suicide or you’ll get cut off.
uhmm, i’d have to learn how to use it first. dunno how -_-
get “cut off”? so…in order to use chatgpt, you HAVE to log in? and they keep a record of EVERYTHING you type??
taking to a computer….so i guess japanese animes are finally coming true eh?
while it sounds quite useful (not just for this but for the many many things chatgpt can do), the fact that “they” have all this stored info on us sound disturbing to say the least.
huh- i wonder if chatgpt would also treat depressives bad, (like tell us to just think happy, etc) since after all, they’re “programmed” to be like humans, right?
lol we think alike. I use it in logged-out mode because I don’t like the idea of anything building a personality profile on me. When I said “cut off” I meant on a particular topic. It clams up and refuses to say anything more. But you can always refresh your browser and start over with a different topic or try to rephrase the question (which usually doesn’t work).
ChatGPT is definitely biased to act cheerful & positive which is annoying af, but one way to bypass that is by telling it you’re doing research for a school paper. So I managed to have a discussion on people who suffered and died miserably without it knowing that I’m obv talking about me.
You’re right though, in the end it’s just talking to a computer which only adds to the loneliness, so idk how much value we can get out of it :/
you mean other than AI taking over? i don’t see how any of this can bode well for the majority of humans- most jobs are already made obsolete by computers/machines/etc.
“We’re constantly told that the cure for depression is to get out there, socialize, interact, travel, etc.”
—Most ppl don’t know what tf they’re talking about, even therapists. So any advice from other ppl should always be taken with a grain of salt. Being told something a million times by others don’t mean diddly squat. AS you well know, the collective IQ of Americans is a pittance at 98. I do not value the opinions of ppl who I deem morons, and most Americans are morons. Most of the ppl who are happy tend to be the most selfish asshoes out there.